Aug 9

 Played a couple of games. Sat upright for a number of hours. Then crashed again.

Ekeing out some pathetic existence.

Back to sleep in the glow of a TV. 

It is 1.40am. Everything is switched off. Darkness. I have woken up. I feel. Awful. Exhausted. Sick. Dizzy. Everything feels wrong. I do not know what I am doing. What am I doing ? I am desperately trying to find some level bit of ground. Some peace amongst the shit. Going in ever tighter circles trying to find what isn't there.

It isn't worth it. My life. This life. This constant degrees of suffering.

Lying in bed. In the dark. Feeling awful.

And then it hits me. I catch a glimpse of Athena. Wobbling around on her last walk. And that hopelessness of my position descends into a horrible abyss of sadness and everything hurting. Sharp. Stabbing. Awful. On top of the dizzy. And the sick. And the exhaustion. And suddenly I desperately want to die in that moment. So very very badly. More than anything else in the world. I just want to die. Please. Let me go. Suicide instantly fills my horizon. Just do it. Just do it. Knife. Bath. Lie down. Sleep. Never wake up. I am so very very sad. A bottomless hole of sadness knifing me in the guts. Physical stabbing pain.

I am in the dark. Alone. Fighting an army of demons. No one can see it. No one knows. My lowest most horrifying moments are on my own. In the dark. In the middle of the night. Pain ghosts across my chest. Pangs.

All of it is terrible.

I don't know what I am doing.

I am an awful coward. I wait. For what. For another day. Some pointless fucking further day of suffering. Just. Fucking. End it.

Fear nibbles at the edges. Fear of consequences. Fear of finality.

I don't know what I am doing.

Athena dances off into the shining light. Leaving me utterly alone.

Why am I still here.

My thoughts quickly flicker through history. I should have died that christmas 2020. January 2021. That was my proper end. After that point. Everything turned to shit in a slow downward spiral from a standing start of awfulness.

Bits of my life flitter through the dark bedroom. I bitterly regret all the times I put up with my parents. Their petty abuses. Their major abuses. My old man. Why. Didn't I push back on him. Send him packing. I have put up with so much in my life. A moment of crystal clarity about how epically shit my parents were. Most of what I am is in spite of those unhelpful fuckers. Not because of them. Suddenly I have all these regrets about letting people take advantage of me. Hurt me. Why didn't I do that better. Why didn't I tell them to get lost.

It is flashes. Quick. Bits of my life. Bits of history. Ashes. And horrible bits. 

I want to die. So very badly. A glittering reflective lightning. Quicksilver. I want it to be over.

Curl into a ball in the dark. A sense of panic. And pain. And desperation. Fight or flight response. The body knows that reality is becoming all too real. The panic in the face of an imminent demise. We're going to do it. Die. Just. 30 seconds. Of willpower. That's all it takes. So. Very. Very. Easy. 30 seconds. 30 seconds of smothering any response to stop it. Blot it out. Just. Do it.

Breathe Johnny.

For fucks sakes. Breathe. I know. It sucks. I know. It hurts. Breathe. Breathe. Let it pass.

You will always be alone with this. Breathe. Stand. Endure. I know how terrible it is.

I am so sorry. So very sorry you have to go through this. I wish I could fix it. I cannot. I am so sorry.

Breathe. 

Calm the tears. 

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