Sep 1

 Today started utterly terrible.

For one reason or another my mood was just about as low as it gets. Flat. Depressed to within an inch of my life. Hovering yet again, over the precipice of ending it all. Suicide. And, of course, I felt ill along with it. Because. Why not.

Going out to see the shrink today felt again like one of those impossible mountains to climb. I felt like throwing up. My mood was so black. Everything was hopeless. Shit. I wanted nothing more than to go back to bed. Curl up in a ball. Surrender to oblivion. And plot my suicide.

Nevertheless. I stuck one foot in front of another.

This is me running on bare metal.

Fuck the demons. Fuck the screaming. Fuck the nausea.

Just. Put. One. Foot. In. Front. Of. Another

Like crawling over broken glass.

These are the battles no one sees. This is the terrible fight that people don't know. The horrific horrible scars and wars I endure. It is. Abominable. 

I made it out, into the car, off we go. Perhaps this is what Hazel means when she calls me a functional depressive.

I did a self inventory.

The world was awful. Bleak. Drained of colour. Everything felt wrong and off, hopeless and miserable.

The world hasn't changed buddy. It is much the same as it was a few days ago when you had peace. It is not the world. It is you. You're changing. The world is not. You are viewing the world through your altered mental state.

I logged those few times last week I felt a bit brighter. A bit happier. Remember sitting in the pub garden. And feeling at peace. That felt good. Remember ?

I remember.

Can you feel it ?

No. Nothing. Ashes.

Remember you were quite keen - a rarity - to watch this weeks tv episode release. Remember. A little anticipation. Can you feel that ?

No. Nothing. It feels. Pointless.

There you are. You have flatlined. The capability to appreciate things. Even a sliver of happiness or contentment is switched off. Your brain has run out of gas. It is you. Not the world. My mood ground into the floor whilst the quiet scientist pointed out its notes. It is one thing to know. It is another to live it.

I know these things. But even so there is some use in properly kicking the tyres. Run the test. At the very least it means I am not completely insane. I am aware of my own shortcomings of perception. It also potentially has the capability to blunt spiralling. Becoming hopeless with the world. Sure. Very doable. And very reasonable. But be aware of the line between where your shit tinted goggles are feeding you "misinformation" - or rather not exactly misinformation but a particular set of miserable facts that are carefully curated to be horrible -  and the state of the world around you being genuinely shit.

I talked it over a little with the shrink when I got there. That my mood was horrific. And I felt ill.

That I was not entirely sure what help it was perofrming such mental inventories of knowing it was me and not the world. But. For what it's worth. I was aware of my altered state.

I talked with them about yesterday. Cooking a little. And immediately feeling ill. Partly scary. Partly hopeless. All of it horrific. We went into it.

The shrink understood. You have no choices they said. No, I said. I don't. What am I supposed to do ? Sit at home and quietly die. There is no one to help me. What do I do ? Endure a disinterested NHS that will run a pointless bloodtest and say oh, there's nothing indicated there. And then just ignore me ? Am I supposed to panic ? Scream ? Nothing will help. I just need to. Get on with dying. How do I do that ? Wait until something eventually breaks. My collapsing system progresses to the point where something important breaks. That doesn't sound like a good way to go. But what else can I do.

They understood how very difficult that was. How. Very close to the wire it would push someone. How I have no choices.

The shrink does understand the severity of the battle I am engaged in. Does understand how closely I dance along the edge of the abyss with it. They do not sugar coat it. They do not offer some bland ray of sunshine. They acknowledge it is incredibly difficult.

There is. A little help in there. Just a tiny bit. That someone sees me. And says. I understand how hard that is.

Yes.

We moved onto the recent video. Describing me to a tee. Things I already knew. But it was one of those things that put all of what I had reasoned out, suspected into a succint form. Like reading from a chapter of the mental dysfunction book. You are hyper vigiliant. You have no boundaries. You are geared to placate to head off drama. You view yourself as broken. Etc. And this is because you were raised in a fucked up environment.

Simple. Neat. Concise.

I said that whilst I had already known such things. There was a difference in getting it confirmed. In much the say way I said, that I sometimes get you to mark my homework. This is again. Me figuring things out by myself. And then comparing notes with the world. I do this all the time. On the one hand. Clever. It gives me feedback that I am high level smart. Capable in multiple fields. Or at the least. I have a mind that is well suited to starting at the start, and figuring things through to the end. No mean feat. I get it. As much as I am uncomfortable in my own skin about being smart. But also. From the outside. Not a massive surprise because this is exactly what I have trained myself to do all my life. Out on the tennis court. Every day. Hitting balls over the net. A quintessential part of my job. Who I am professionally. The figurer outer. The fixer. Except there are no tennis balls. Just puzzles.

But even so. There is a difference when what you have in your head gets confirmed by an outside agency. That marking of homework. It moves that body of work from a quasi complete, possibly wrong, ongoing work, to a pretty much solved done deal. It means you can move on. It also. And this is the crucial bit. Removes a lot of doubt.

And, the shrink said. In removing the doubt. It also removes the hope. That you are wrong.

Yes.

Things becomes more real. The implications. The consequences.

It is one thing to imagine the atomic bomb.

It is quite another to have built it and have it sitting in front of you.

And there are consequences for having much of my developmental environment confirmed. How it has shaped me.

It.

Drops a weight on me. Of how much damage I have taken. How twisted a person I am because of it. Not just me. How it has also twisted my siblings in not identical, but similar ways. The same traits. Hyper independence. My shitty lack of boundaries which has ended up causing me so much trouble over the years. And on. And on. It is. Heavy. It makes the reality of that dysfunctional upbringing suddenly very real. And I cannot ignore the terrible things it has made of me.

I shared with the shrink that I had over the weekend sent a funny, but also serious, video of a woman carrying a washing machine up a set of steps on her own - struggling like fuck - , whilst numerous people walked around her. The short clip was captioned with a title of "Therapist : "You realise that hyper independence is also a sign of  traumatic response" . I knew what this meant. I knew what it meant to my siblings. But I had not sent any text with the video. No preconceived interpretations. Just. Watch this. And my sisters response. This is me ! And anecdotes about it. Of course. I knew. And just sent a heart to my sister. That encompassed the thought of - I know my sister. And I am sorry that you have had to grow up like that and become an adult in that form.

The shrink asked me how I felt about it. They offered before I answered that it sounded like I had connected with my sister.

Yes. It is a shared bit of self reflection. A shared bit of upbringing. And standing behind it in the shadows. That sharing of a shitty upbringing.

I said it made me feel sad for her.

It made me feel sad for all of us.

I said that it had made me realise how much of my form was just a response to my upbringing. That I was not clever, or mindful, or whatever things I might have thought. I had not got so far away from the shadow of my parents after all. I was still quite the product of their influence.

It sounds like you view that as a failure said the shrink.

Kinda. It feels like. I should have had more agency. Done more to change who I am. I am just a fucked up dysfunctional cookie, cut from a dysfunctional cookie cutter.

I can hear the inner critic is very strong today said the shrink.

I smiled. Ha. Sigh.

The shrink offered a different point of view.

It seems to me that it's a success. Not a failure. You have survived despite all that you have had to deal with. You have had to learn all these things in order just to make it through a day. And you have come through it all. That is incredible strength. A success. Not a failure. You had to do what you have done to survive.

That is a lovely way to spin it I said.

I'm not spinning it said the shrink.

Ok I said. A different point of view then. Let me put it this way. There are often different ways to look at things. And you can look at the soldier who survives the war, comes through all the battles, and lives to tell the tale. And how wonderful that is. They survived. Or I said. You can look at it from the point of view that they have had all their limbs blown off, no legs, no arms, they survived, but as you yourself once said. At what cost.

They got it.

The shrink is positive. And compassionate.

I am critical. And unkind.

When it comes to myself of course. 

Both answers are "right". 

But you are aware of all this, said the shrink. You are aware of how you are who you are, and the choices that are being made. And that they said is... well... a step.. several steps...

They fumbled with the words...

... it is half the battle I filled in.

Yes said the shrink. I wouldn't know exactly the percentage..

.. yes.. it's something I say for all these things. Knowing the thing in the first place is half the battle. Not literally half. But significant.

The shrink agreed. 

Many people don't even get that far the shrink said.

I agreed.

I said that that awareness. Awareness you have a problem. That you have an addiction. That you have a mental health issue. An anger problem. Bigoted. Whatever it is. People can't, or won't, and frequently it's a mix of the two, acknowledge it. It remains an unknown.

I know this to be true.

So knowing it, said the shrink. You can make different choices.

I raised my eyebrows skeptically.

In theory the shrink responded to my unspoken skepticism. 

I smiled. Yeah. No.

I said yes. In theory. All things are possible in theory. But this in my opinion is one of the "secret" corner stones of the human experience. The human condition. That whilst in theory, on paper, everyone is capable of just about everything. Perhaps not achieving the very best in the world at the 100m olympics sprint, but pretty high up. People can be smarter. Stronger. Capable. Whatever it is. It comes down to motivation and discipline. And at the higher reaches often obsession.

The shrink agreed.

But. I said. Here's the killer.

In practice. The lived experience. It. Does. Not. Work. Like. This.

People get stuck. They cannot be all they can be. I noted the number of people stuck in misery in their lives for one reason or another. Most commonly with jobs. A career. People are stuck in jobs they hate. Unable to change to another job.

In theory I said, it's easy. Just get another job. Retrain. Easy. Slam dunk.

In practice I said. It doesn't happen.

The human experience is about getting stuck in places. Often miserably so. Theoretically able to escape, but practically being incapable of escape. THAT is a human trait.

I said that most people, 90% of people, were in that place. Easily.

The shrink for once disagreed with me. People can change. People change all the time.

Yes. You're being disingenous. People do change all the time. But not how I mean. People do not retrain. Do not change jobs. Do not quit relationships. Or homes. Or whatever it is. They get stuck.

But people do change jobs the shrink said.

Yes I said. Short form. Some people - and by no means not all, not even a majority - will have bouts of inspiration in their life. Where they do make a significant change. A burst of motivation. But then. Long form. They end up stuck again. In a rut. Incapable of change. All the people I have worked with, big companies, corps, the vast majority of them are miserable and stuck. Zombified. Or outright suffering.  At one job, in a department of 100, I knew ONE person that adapted and became what they wanted to be. I said the people that can adapt endlessly, be all they can be are as rare as hens teeth.

The shrink agreed with the last bit of it. But was dubious of the rest.

Perhaps they said, it's more to do with your selection of people. Working in such office environments.

Yes I said. Self selecting. It could be. Except. This also applies to all my friends and family. People I know. In entirely different environments. From tradespeople. To teachers. To cooks. To vets. To nurses.

The shrink took the point. But was still dubious.

The shrink said that psychology was all about change. The profession of getting people to change.

Sure. But I said. You're telling me that you can't see the vast majority of people are stuck. Suffering.

I wouldn't know what percentage to put on it they said.

Not even ballpark ?

I wouldn't know where to start they said.

Fair enough. I can appreciate their scientific roots there. If they truly do not have the information - or experience - to know that. They are uncomfortable pitching an estimate.

I however. Do bloody know. From experience. My experience, trumps the shrinks belief.

I said that I had come to that conclusion not because of some pre-conceived notion. But massive amounts of experience. I had an example on the tip of my tongue. About one such miserable and trivially locked in place employee. Bemoaning never getting training. And yet. Never bothering to train themselves. A simple job. Of teaching yourself some things online. But they preferred to squat. Complaining. Not helping themselves. A really stark - and to be honest pathologically fucked - example of what I was talking about. For most people. It's not quite that obviously easy.

I said that when you look at it from orbit, it's about conservatism with a small c. There is I think a biological imperative to be consistent over happy. It is more important for the group, for someone to be consistent from day to day, even if they are miserable, as opposed to changing what their idea of a job is every 5 minutes. One is evolutionarily stronger than the other. Consistency. Convervatism. Do the thing you know. That everyone expects of you. Happiness. Is an afterthought.

I further expounded that in evolutionary terms, happiness was no guarantee. It was not even in some cases relevant at all. If your genes can get forwarded AND you're miserable. It doesn't matter. As long as the genes are forwarded. It is perfectly possible to be in an evolutionarily strong position species wise, and also be suffering horribly for it.

The shrink in the end accepted my point. But I do think that maybe they could do with walking through the halls of the under privileged a little. It implies a little bit of middle class ivory tower living on their behalf. Check out the council flats. And tell me about how stuck people can get. How life can seem to box you in. How scary that can be.

Anyway.

Right back to the start point I said.

I can make a choice about my behaviour you say.

And yet. I said. Practically speaking. I can't.

I am not a different beast to anyone else. I get stuck in the same things as everyone else. I said perhaps the only small difference is that I am aware of it. Whilst most are not. But I still suffer the same things.

So the shrink said. It would be very difficult for you to change.

I think I said. Impossible. I can't even touch the sides.

I am not saying you are wrong here. I absolutely accept that change is always theoretically possible. But I said. For me. I cannot touch the sides anymore. I cannot discern a choice. It simple is. Like a force of nature.

The shrink got it.

The choice was burned out of you sometime ago they said.

Yes.

So now you have no choice. I am hearing with force of nature. That your experience of it. Is just something that is. That you have no agency over.

Exactly I said. I am not even aware of it.

I said it was complicated by the fact that there are extenuating circumstances. That being kind being helpful having weak boundaries is generally seen as a Good Thing. A helpful person. I said the thought of me causing suffering is horrific. Almost a physical aversion. I said that shit happens. And we end up hurting people. But I said. To do so premeditated. Is probably one of the, if not the biggest sin you can commit by my values. Because. I know how much suffering sucks. I have all my scout badges in misery and suffering. And it is terrible.

You have very strong empathy the shrink said.

Yes. And I would not do that to someone consciously. It's. Not a choice. I am not sitting there thinking oh should I be kind or cruel. I can't be anything else but try to be kind.

Having boundaries doesn't mean being cruel the shrink said.

Sure I said. But often. It is. Really.

Ths conversation neatly transitioned to work. After going over a few bumps of how my being that way was again a self selecting process where I attracted people who needed that kindness. Were needy. Or exploitative. And how that could spiral down into dark places.

I said that work was a different thing. I did make choices there. I could say no.

So you have boundaries there.

Kind of I said. I have stated many times that people must do things for themselves and yes, be worse at it than me, or even fail. But that's how it is. I cannot just pick up everything. I said. There is a problem here in that if you have two people, one of which always does better. Always fixes the thing. The second person then learns just to give that person all the problems.

The shrink agreed.

I said it then even starts to get into a learned helplessness thing. Where the second person wont even try because they know everything they do is worse. And that they fuck up. So why look stupid. Why risk it. When you know person A always does it.

So you realise the issue and you put boundaries down the shrink said.

Yes. But I said. It only goes so far. This is all very well when the weather is calm. But when the weather is stormy, suddenly its all tears. And then. You have a choice. Someone is drowning. You either let them drown. Or you fix it for them.

Last week was a great example of this I said. I had ended up fixing an "impossible" problem. Despite it being well communicated where we were. The scope of the issue. And everything. It ended up in a panic. And drowning people. And I jumped in and saved the day. From 11pm til 3am. Boundaries overriden. I said I sorted it out completely. Neatly. Fixed. Told them what to say to the client. What to include in a report. The evidence. The tests. Everything. In a neat little bow. Easy.

And once again.

The world was ending.

The hero has saved the day.

I said you get trapped in this having to always save the day as the hero. Fuck boundaries. And it's awful.

The shrink very much got it.

You have no agency again said the shrink. You have to do it.

Yes.

I said there is a horrible irony here. In that. I understand some of the things I say. Some people would be like. That sounds wonderful. To be so capable. To fix all the things. But I said. It was very very different when you walked that path. When it enslaved you. The irony was. That the "perfect tool" ended up being something very dysfunctional. Like smoking crack. An addiction people could not live without. Just. One more fix. Please. We're drowning here.

I said my perspective is really ironic. I don't say things because oh I am so clever. Look how capable I am. I say these things because it's horrible. Knowing what you know. Doing what you can do.

The shrink noted that it was isolated again. Lonely. Being the only one.

Yes.

I said from the bit of the mountain I'm on. I have an entirely different perspective to everyone else. I said society in general bigs up the whole do better at school, get better grades, be smarter. My perspective at the fucking end of that path is oh no, no no no, you do realise that path goes over a cliff at some point. And that out here. Dragons live. That will eat you alive.

But they wouldn't be able to see that from their perspective would they said the shrink.

No I said. They can't see it. They aren't there.

It sounds very lonely the shrink said again.

It is isolation. I said I can think about things and say something like, remember this problem, or that thing when it was like this. And the answer is.

No. We can't.

Because they can't see what I can.

And then you are like.

Oh. Yeah. Never mind.

The problem last week I said. They couldn't even see the frame of it. What the problem was. It was a complete mystery. On some other plane of existence. So far up that mountain. All they see is clouds.

To me. Methodical. Break it down. No problem. Fix. Hand back.

But.

So many issues in there.

I said I had become more than tired with it all. With always being the hero.

I said that sometimes I sit and think about it. And. I like solving problems. "like". It gives my brain something to do. It stops it being an asshole critic of myself. We are all focused on the same thing - solving a problem. So I said. There is some peace there. Not internal self loathing warfare. Just. Solve a puzzle. So I like doing it. And I like solving a problem and getting to its end. That bit of IT. I like. But I said it cannot exist in a vacuum. Fixing the problems you encounter other people. Who rely on you. Become addicted to you. End up with a learned helplessness. You end up doing everything. Because you're better at doing everything than everyone else. Which might sound great. But it's not.

It's a curse said the shrink.

Exactly.

And the problem is I am 100 for 100. So far. I have never failed. I always fix everything. Which elevates me to some stupid mystical height which is ridiculous. Because I'm just a dude. I noted that I was like a comfort blanket to the person I worked with. Any anxiety. Any problem. I fix. And peace returns.

I understand why you're the fixer the shrink said. I can see why you have that reputation. I also understand why it is you think you should be able to fix everything. And you struggle when you can't.

I became horribly sad.

My emotions welled up.

That vice like grip that starts in my stomach and reaches up through my throat and strangles me. Catches my breath. Makes me incapable of speaking. And makes me fight not to cry.

I paused for a moment. Struggling to not burst into tears.

I cannot fix death I whispered.

I could not save Ares or my mom or Athena. 

We ended.

Somewhere around there.

At the session end I asked the shrink again what they saw in me. What do you see. 

You mean clinically they said.

Yes. But everything. Personally. All of it. I said not a question for this week. It is maybe homework to give you I smiled a pale smile. Think about it. Come back to me. And I said. Be brutal.

I am not sure whether brutal is helpful or not the shrink said. It can be they said. But. Ethically. I can't be unhelpful.

Yes I said. I suppose so. You cannot do what you would consider harm.

It comes down to whether I think it would do harm or not the shrink said. What's useful. What isn't.

Sure.

And it was left there.

So.

I am not going to get a brutal assessment from my shrink. At least. Not one that cuts me down to size. Tells me I am an asshole. Beyond hope. Or otherwise. Which makes it tricky. Do they then say what they say because thats their honest opinion. Or because they are protecting you from an "unhelpful truth". The self devouring inner critic wants to stand in front of the firestorm and be consumed - if that's what it is. Tell me how worthless I am. Do it.

The shrink however, seems disinclined to do so. If that's even a thing.

I walked out.

Considerably less bleak than when I had walked in. I can honestly say that this week. It helped with my immediate absolute misery. Somewhere. Somehow. In that talking. The deathgrip of one of the demons unclenched a little so I could breathe.

If nothing else. Seeing a therapist is worth that.

I had considered knocking it on the head. That all was hopeless. And pointless. And if not this week, talk about ending it.

But on exit this week. Like a bolt from the blue. It can be useful Johnny. Even when you don't think it can be.

Ok.

Fair enough.

I will probably mention my doubts to the shrink next week. And that this week was helpful. I am sure it will cheer them up. Ho ho.

We shall see what the shrink has to say - if anything - next week.