Sep 19

Still sleeping a lot. A lot a lot. My usual parade of issues are dialled down somewhat. Probably because I am sleeping so much. Am I exhausted ? Yeah. But I am not feeling it too much. Slipping in and out of sleep instead. My hours are all over the place. There are days where I don't see the daylight.

My mood is low. Hard to say. It feels like something in me has given up properly. Just. Stopped. And my anxiety seems to be up. Last sleep cycle I had awful dreams. After saying dreams were where I was better off. I get a real bad one. All about corps, of all things. Working in a big corp again. Changing staff. People I didn't know. Endless corporate drones. All going about their shitty jobs. No life. No humanity. Everyone about their shitty jobs. I was alone in a massive corp office. Full of unfriendly people. I only recognised one of my co workers. The situation was dire. People losing their jobs. Re-arranging of departments. A tone of conformity and forced solidarity, believe in the corp. I couldn't remember where I sat. Just wandered the place. I was going to quit. There was a feeling that this was a place I once knew, but no more. I spoke my mind. Spoke truth to power. The smart suits. The cowering of the drones. An aura of fear.

It probably doesn't sound like much. But it filled me with horror. It stuck with me a long time on waking. Awful.

I truly hate corp environments it seems. It is a twisted version of my time with them. More melodramatic. But. The tune is the same. The themes are exactly the same.

Coming in and out of sleep is a hard transition for me. Both are points of feeling very ill. I get tired. And feel ill. Start to sleep, and I feel ill. On waking, I feel terrible. It takes me hours to warm up, often I fail and slide back into sleep, so very tired. I need an absolute minimum of 12 hours of sleep a day. That's. Sketchy. And more like 14 hours to have a chance. Somewhere in the middle of that waking I will probably reach my peak. Less ill. Less exhausted. Functional. But if I push it I flake out. And I will often sleep on and off through that period too.

I am aware I am not following "good mental hygiene". In fact I'm positively doing the worst. I am not moving. Not going out even to breathe. Isolating.

This week at therapy it was a nothing burger. We talked about how I was feeling. About my meds. We somehow got onto the fact that I am "disappointed in people" again. The shrink seems to be circling around it. I re-iterated about being accepting of people. Truly. I said I empathised and sympathised with how hard it was just to be a human. Perhaps personally the shrink said. But collectively..... oh we suck collectively I said. Awful. We talked before about choices. I said people got stuck. You said people change. Look at us collectively I said. We can't even agree to stop fucking up our environment over our greed. On paper so easy. A simple change. And yet in practice. We can't do it. We cannot prioritise our continued existence, well being, over rampant short sighted greed. And war. On paper. So simple. Everyone could get up tomorrow and decide not to kill anyone. Wouldn't cost any money. Wouldn't take any effort. No expenditure of time or resource or anything. In fact. It would be the easiest thing to do, just sit, and do nothing. No more deaths. No more war. Does anyone do it ? No I said. And yet. On paper. So very easy.

I nailed the shrinks change narrative into the floor of realism.

I know what the shrink means about change.

But I nailed their point into the floor flat. Where is your change.

The shrink wriggled.

Well. There are some places that could do with changing where perhaps they don't but...

I clipped them off.

In the history of mankind we seem to be nil to several thousand against score wise on things like war.

I am all for positive thinking.

But define your data and terms correctly. There isn't a positive happy clappy perspective on shit like war. We do indeed suck.

You're disappointed in people the shrink said.

Yeah, I suppose I am. We could do better. We don't. Sometimes. When it's very clear. It is a bit like walking around hell. You realise the place is awful.

This must do something to you.

Yeah somewhat. I said that I thought in the past that this was one pillar of my depression. The impact of environment and the world and people. But also. I said. I think that it might just be me rationalising my mood. Projecting it out onto something that seems likely. Like everyone tends to do with all sorts of thinking, especially fucky ones. You rationalise it externally. I said there was a very good chance it was just me. In fact. It probably was just me. With shitty tinted spectacles.

The shrink said that environment did play a part in depression.

Yeah. Sure I said. But I said here. I was aware that our subjective view of things was often wrong. Particularly in assigning blame. And that in a way. This was my attempt to step outside that subjective view point, realise the greater pattern of projection, and that the fault was probably me. And less about the world. Not that the world isn't full of shit.

So the shrink said. It's your fault. You're taking the blame.

Uh huh. I can see where you're coming from.

The shrink is stitching it together that I pull the blame, and lack of being able to fix things like death, and all of it into me. It's my fault. The world being shit is also my fault. Because I think it's me having shit tinted spectacles. And all of this is from a childhood thing of basically always being a problem. It's always my fault. I need to placate the adults.

I can see where they're going.

But the shit tinted spectacles bit is not that.

I said they were a shrink, they must know what I'm talking about here. Where people assign blame to things that are blameless. That was probably what it was here. I am miserable. Why is that so. One factor is probably the world and the way it is.

I noted that I was inclined to be negative in outlook. Probably dysthymia. That genetic aspect of my dads side of the family.

We talked a bit about it. The shrink didn't like the idea of dysthymia being hopeless. That I couldn't escape from that genetic heritage. Perhaps it was being brought up in that environment that had cooked me that way. Perhaps. Certainly possible. But dysthymia was a very good fit for my symptoms. And my dads. And my uncles. And my grandads and so on. 

I said it was absolutely possible. Who knows. Hard, if not impossible, to prove it one way or the other. But I said on balance, your argument is mostly wishful thinking that it isn't like that, and mine has facts and data points. The probability is that you're wrong. And I'm right. But anything is possible.

We left it there.

The shrink was not on form this week. There were some slightly cack handed attempts at pigeon holing. And some missing of the points.

Perhaps in the meta, this is their pattern. 1 in 6 weeks is a miss. Bio rhythms. Bad days. Probabilities. Hormones. Disturbed sleep. Who knows. People aren't machines. Perhaps this is their failure rate. 16%. 

We shall see.

And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you - Nietszche