Sep 2

 Sleep is back to that weird panicked state again. I'm not sure if this time around it's just apnoea kicking in again, as often when I wake with a jolt I am also gasping for air. Then again. Even when I'm dozing. And I am conscious. I can feel a mild panic rise up a gasping for breath - and I am not really struggling to breathe.

I don't know. Could be a lot of things.

Just ignore it. Like everything else.

Today despite not getting much sleep I worked for most of the day with just a nap - all I could manage before I jolted out of it - somewhere mid afternoon. I got a bunch of stuff done, which makes a change, albeit, I was productive last week too.

Getting up or moving about is painful. Makes me dizzy. All the warning bells go off. And I rapidly run out of energy.

It's frustrating on many levels. If I am just going to drop down dead, could we please just get fucking on with it. The hovering on the edge is shit.

I have to rise above it. Pretend things aren't out of whack. Just. Focus on the absolute immediate. And close my eyes to everything burning down around me.

I mean. It wouldn't be a stretch to say that having to do that might also make me highly anxious. Particularly in an unconscious state. 

Meh.

I think next time I am going through my sleep jolts I might try shifting position dramatically in bed. See if repositioning myself helps at all. I don't know. Change pillow angle. Head angle. More stupid flailing about in a futile effort to fix problems I can only poorly discern. Really, if I could get on with the CPAP machine I should do that. But I really can't. That absolutely does make me panic and feel like I'm suffocating.

Hazel is off to the States tomorrow. I didn't meet up with her this week. I just couldn't face it. My mood was way too low. All I really wanted to do was curl up in a ball. 

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