Sep 23

 Sleep. At points I am pushing sleeping all the way around the clock twice. This isn't just me sleeping through my shitty exhaustion and requiring over much sleep. This is also my mentals. Running away from being awake. Disappearing into oblivion.

Yesterday ish I became disorientated with time. Unclear if it was early morning, late evening. Dark. I didn't check. Slept. Wake. Sleep. Wake. Sleep. Only the light through a curtain tells me of a major time shift.

At times I get up. I check in with the time. Orientate where I am.

I find myself with a bowl of cereal and tea at 11pm.

Some days that's all I eat. And sleep.

Some days I eat a little here, a little there. Nothing like "normal" eating times of lunch, dinner etc. 

It doesn't matter.

I can feel at some level I am pushing towards all of it just shutting down. Just. Not getting up again. Drift into a permanent doze.

It is the most lazy, most passive shuffle towards oblivion. The least dramatic suicidal path.

Therapy yesterday. I nearly didn't make it again. Tired. Sleep schedule to shit. And I felt ill. I dragged myself out. It would, I said to myself, probably make me feel better. Probably.

We didn't talk of things much of weight. The shrink seemed more engaged in talking about tangents this week. Actually. Asking me to go down tangents. Ok.

We talked of this and that. I ventured my idea of we all having a mileage psychologically. Something I wonder about. I posed it to the shrink. Like everything else over time. Your knees give out. Your organs slow down, fail. As you get older. The miles add up. The damage accumulates. Everywhere. But. I haven't ever seen someone ponder about the psychological possibility. That over time. Each trauma lays down ontop of the next. Each one scars. Even if you do well, you adapt, you learn, you grow around it. The wounds do not disappear. They are there forever. Scabbed over perhaps. But still there. You may break a bone to have it heal. But then every winter it aches with the cold. I posed that perhaps over time we reach our limit of traumatic damage. It becomes too much. I said I had seen its work in the world. Numerous times. People saying they didn't want to go on anymore. The prospect of more life was horrible to them. My dad. My mom. My nan. My brother. So many others. And of course. Myself.

The shrink was uncomfortable with it. As I knew they would be. I predicted what they would say. That the brain has neural plasticity. It can change and adapt. It can heal.

Sure. Much like the rest of the body heals and adapts. But it is imperfect. It adds up. The miles add up. Stress adds up.

The shrink agreed. Uncomfortably. I said that just like a miner that works in a coal mine all their life and dies of black lung at 45, what of someone who has a traumatic life ? It certainly has an impact the shrink said.

And then I wonder if we only have so many miles. Before it becomes too much.

I know for myself it is very true. But. Not that that means anything. I could be crackers. An outlier. Aberrant. Dysfunctional. Except. I have seen it in others too. But.

There are a number of traumatic events in my life that have lessened me. Each one. Takes something from me. And I don't get it back. Each one takes a pound of flesh. And I adapt. And I move on. But I am absolutely the lesser for it. Each loss. Takes a lump out of me. I cope with it. To one extent or another. Like a good little adult. But it scars. I feel it. And in some cases. It takes away from me permanently.

Almost always these things center around loss. Not all of them. But a lot of them. Loss of all sorts of things. Loss of relationships shines brightly amongst the losses. 

In a very real way. I do not heal from those. I carry the wound and limp on.

The shrink, in the end, reluctantly agreed. 

But.

The shrink said. Part of my job. Is to have hope. We can hope.

I understand.

You are the light in the dark. Even when the dark probably wins. No. No probably about it. Even when the dark will consume everything, still you stand with light and hope. Despite it all. Because that's what you do.

Everything is always consumed the shrink asked.

Come back to me in 10 million years and see if I am not right.

I very much doubt I can make that meeting said the shrink.

I can see that you don't have hope. And that at times you can't see it at all. So when you can't. Then I will. I will hold that hope for you.

I suppose so I said. A ripple of emotion washing over me. That someone would do that for me.

That was the end of the session.

Before it we had touched on the fact I was just so very very sad. All the time. This is what had started us off on pondering about our relationship with life. Whether we get to a point where we no longer have any more capacity.

We also talked about therapy itself. We got there naturally. But again I observed that therapists, therapy itself, ended up missing half the point of the excercise through its enforced distancing. We talked about the therapy relationship. The shrink was unsettled that I said they were distanced. As all therapists are. Do you not connect with me the shrink said. No. I said. You are behind a wall. Unreachable. This is not a normal relationship no ? It's not a friendship the shrink said. The shrink had themselves in weeks past a therapy relatonship was "not normal" and in many ways "abnormal". The shrink then worried that the relationship was just material, matter of fact, like a piece of furniture. Impersonal. Yes, I said. How can it be anything else ? I think the shrinks insecurities their cores started to show. Their belief of doing something to make a difference. To help. To relate. To connect. And yet. They are distanced. Disconnected. It. Doesn't make a great deal of logical sense. It is a set of paradoxical ideas. You can't be distanced and yet get a meaningful relationship out of it. It seems on the one hand the shrink wants to think that. And on the other they don't 

So I'm just a piece of furniture the shink said.

Their sense of insecurity flickered through the room. Leaked. Out of their control. Disappointment. Worry. Failure. Dejection.

Ah I said. You need reassurance. Let me offer reassurance.

The patient become the therapist.

I listed their positives. Why they mattered. That they cared. That they did this to make a difference. That they were good at listening. Had a good EQ. 

The shrink countered, as people will do ( but a therapist arguably should not ), but even with that I am still somewhat a piece of furniture.

I emphatically denied this. They were a person. They were important. They did a good job.

I did my absolute best firm and convincing reassurance. You. Are important.

They were reassured.

Sigh. Ironic.

But therapists are people too. And this one showed a sudden wobble of vulnerability. But I am learning their flaw lines. I know the beliefs they hold about what they do. What they can achieve. I can see the whiff of the high beliefs that are nothing but that - hope and not particularly based in the practical. But it is a necessary narrative weave around them. That makes their world make sense. Their work make sense. They need to believe they can make a difference. That everything is possible. To go into each fight with hope. They are also insightful enough to see that that might not be true. But they leave it on the edges of their understanding. They don't prod it too far. Acknowledge it. But do not pick it up. They choose to stick with hope.

It's a reasonable strategy.

If not objectively correct.

But. We know. Objectively correct is not exactly a great thing to aspire to. At least. When you start getting to the borderlands of human existence and meaning.

We continued on the theme of the flaw in therapy with it's self distancing.

I said I had in the past, and still slightly do, my "hedge witch therapy". How I got there. Not intentionally. But like being the most competent person in the room. People suddenly give you all their problems. The shrink understood. When you demonstrate you can listen. You can acknowledge. You take time. People will talk to you. Unload. Yes I said. And it helps I am not a complete idiot. I do have a bit of wisdom. So. I end up. Hedge witch therapist. But I said the big difference between me and a therapist. Is I didn't distance. I had skin in the game. I got involved. And I said the nature of the beast is that then puts you within hitting distance. You will get kicked. You will get punched. I said people are often contorted into knots of uncertainty. A war inside themselves. And as these things often do. People will project their internal issues out to any available externality. Whatever is closest. And if you are closest. That can sometimes be you. You get caught up in their whirlwind of turmoil. You will be punched. Accused.

But I said. The closer you are. The more you can see. And do. This is the difference with a shrink. They will stay far out. Protected from the whirlwind. Not getting involved in the awful turmoil. But at the same time. Not experiencing it. Not walking with someone through the abyss. You learn a lot. With I said, I suppose war scars. Going through the battles. Accumulating those wounds. It makes you learn. Fast. And a lot. And nuanced. 

You don't get that as a shrink.

The shrink pondered it.

I said. It was like a fire. The closer you get to the flame the more you can feel its heat on your skin.

And you can get singed the shrink said.

Absolutely I said.

I said you stand at a safe distance away from the bonfire. Sensible. But. You end up missing things. You miss half the context. If you want to do this every week. Then it makes sense to stand at a safe distance.

You see this as a flaw in therapy. That we should be doing more. That we - I - don't do enough.

No I said.

I am not offering a judgement on it. It is an observation.

That in donning your radioactive suit to deal with a situation, you can no longer feel the breeze on your face.

So we should do more ?

No. You follow your practices. It is sensible. And even then. I said I am aware that shrinks "get fucked up" I said. The shrink agreed. There is an impact.

The shrink struggled to get the zen point of balance I was making. You can make an observation about a flaw. But also understand why that flaw exists and isn't addressed. It depends what your goals are. In a way. It's a bit like the difference between a sprinter and a marathon runner. If your goal is to cover 100m as fast as possible, you can burn hard and explosively. You cannot do that if you are running a marathon. Are you going as fast as possible in a marathon ? No. You are optimised for endurance. No marathon runner will ever win a 100m sprint.

I do get that some of these points can be hard to grasp in terms of where I stand with them. Typically in people they attach to one belief or another. One point or another and reject everything else. It's also possible to understand balanced multiple solutions. And that I find is uncommon. And apparently, even in a shrink, it is hard for them to equate that sense of balance. They are used to seeing a single opinionated truth.

On that theme.

We went further into the wall. And the boundaries.

They said was I disappointed that I couldn't know more about them. That they were behind that wall. Where I couldn't easily access them.

No I said.

But. Surely. They said. You want to know. You are interested.

Yes I said.

So you are disappointed ?

No.

Look. I can see what you're trying to get at. Let me explain maybe what you're looking for here. If you're talking about a personal relationship, then I want to know who you are. What brought you to where you are. The values you have. How well you can see yourself.

I looked at the ceiling. For the life of me I don't even know anymore why. But. I find people interesting. Their unique perspectives. Their paths. I find everyone fascinating.

And you I said are very interesting. Your role. You are smart. You care. And I said. I do get a shape of you. Despite you being careful. I can see the shape of you. It is interesting. And I want to know. Personally. I said but this is not a personal relationship. This is a therapeutical relationship. And those are boundaries I cannot cross. And that's fine.

It's ok to be disappointed the shrink said. It's ok to want that, be disappointed and be ok with it. You're disappointed ?

No. I said.

I paused.

I have always had a good ability to keep things discrete. I quoted Fitzgerald. "The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function.". I said I could hold paradoxical things in my head and understand them.

I said the therapist relationship was its own thing. It was not disappointing I couldn't know them. It just is.

No disappointment the shrink said mildly incredulously. Nothing ?

No I said. It just is.

It just is the shrink repeated.

Yes I said. Like the sky is blue. I closed my eyes and adoped a zen jokey pose. Zen I said. It is just a fact.

The shrink looked at me.

Once upon a time I said, I used to be a very zen monkey.

I can see that said the shrink. A lot of what you say is zen. Has a buddhist lean.

Sure I said.

But the shrink said, theres a lot you are not zen with.

Oh hell no I said. I am no longer that zen monkey. Full of sadness. I have lost my zen about a lot of things.

The shrink often probes at my sense of awareness. They probe if there is a flaw in my internal logic and awareness. Do I think I am zen, when I am clearly am not. Do I think I am X, when I exhibit Y. Or maybe more accurately. They test my delusion level.

The thought of the debates I used to have with the good GP came to mind. But I didn't voice them in the end.

Where my GP could not believe I was not horribly angry about a host of things in my life. You must be angry.

No.

They simply are.

You let them go.

No anger. Genuinely.

This, is a very buddhist thing. It's curious how many people can't wrap their heads around it. I feel the famous quote about hate being akin to you drinking poison and expecting the other person to die is relevant here. There is definitely for me several levels of understanding of something. At a zero level there is an unwareness of a thing. Oblivious to its existence. Then there is understanding that something is there. then there is an understanding and an effort to interact with it or counter it. Then theres almost like a mastery of it, and a capbility to bend the thing to your will. And finally theres a zen with it. Where it doesn't even become something you have to strive at. Or consciously think of. It simple is. It has. Kind of. Transcended. A mix of understanding and peace and choice. It is the difference between tolerating something with ground teeth. And being able to live with something without any annoyance at all, and an understanding, even a sympathy for something. And often I find. It works like that. When you go through the stages of annoyance, or anger, or fear, or irritation or whatever. Once it has dropped away. There simply is empathy. Sympathy. An understanding of how its fucking with other people. A sadness that they have to deal with it.

Eh. Meh.

Funny.

How hard the concept of zen can be to explain.

There is absolutely a direct parallel to the whole buddhist thing of putting aside emotion and just existing.

It is, in that explanation a little forced.

But. The principle. Is right. True zen. Is not trying. It just is.

The rest of the session we talked around politics.

The shrink was shocked that I said if I was younger and had more energy, at this time, I'd probably go into politics.

I am very surprised the shrink said.

Not that you aren't capable. But that you'd want to.

I could fix it. I said.

The shrink was intrigued. How.

I thought they wanted generalisations.

No.

They wanted my specific gameplan.

Uh huh.

I talked about regulating the internet. Recognising the existential threat it posed to peoples mental health. Information lookup good. Services provision good. Unregulated social media usage. Bad.

I said that it was one of the things people "thought I should be".

Oh ok lets go the shrink said. What do people think you should be.

Monk ( buddhist ), politician, therapist.

And what did I think about those opinions ?

I shrugged. Doesn't matter. I can see what people mean about therapist. But I said. I don't think I have the discipline to do it. I am too much of a maverick.

You can be a maverick therapist the shrink said.

We got to the boundaries bit of it. Anti authoritarian. I said I wasn't good at following rules. I often found them arbitrary and engaged in protecting the incompetent, insecure and those not deserving respect.

An excercise in power then.

Yeah I said. A corruption of stratas and hierarchies to project power to those who don't deserve it.

But politics is full of rules the shrink said.

And you'd do that.

I smiled slowly. Oh. You just walked into my bear trap. 

You dont know what kind of politician I'd be I said.

Oh. Said the shrink.

I would be a lot more...... edgy..... than your regular politician.

More. Revolutionary. Than within the system.

So you wouldn't be in parliament said the shrink.

Oh no. Sure. But. I'd be more like in some committee meeting, not attending it, turning up, flipping the table over and firing everyone rather than endure four hours of waffle.

I didn't say it. But the thought of "..at the end of a gun" echoed in my head.

But I said. I think we are due for a political reset. It's clear that politics has burned itself out. Not just in this country. It is bankrupt. Run out of ideas. Ineffectual. Exhausted. No one engages with it. There is contempt for the system. Disengagement. You need to reset it all. Revolutionary wise. And make people realise it matters. And it does matter. And people will care greatly. So. Kicking over tables. Is likely overdue.