Sep 26

 It flows through me. Unrestricted. Like a powerful river on which I am caught, helpless to direct it, ensnared in its crushing grip. I have no control. It squeezes me in random places. Suddenly an explosive breath will be forced out of me leaving me gasping. I cannot feel it coming. I cannot stop it. Muscles tense. All the moments blur. I am. Mostly unaware of my surroundings. I gasp again. And let out a strangled breathless cry. A deep slippery sadness suddenly coils and uncoils inside me. I can feel each touch of its mass as some silvery caress of off the charts emotion and a physical contraction, like holding onto a live wire. Slowly tears drip down my face. I get up. Be calm, be ca... a sudden contraction. The breath squeezes out of me again like someone suddenly pulling a strait jacket tight. I walk two steps and my surrounds blur out again. I am. Somewhere else. I am aware again. I am now leaning against a wall in my home. My forehead pressed against the bedroom wall. Eyes unfocused. Gasping for breath. And tears. I slump. And it lets go. A moment of numbness. I feel my body twitch. Once. Twice. Head. Arm. Arm. Spasm twitches. I take another two steps. And I am unaware again. The storm returns. Gasping for breath. At the top of the stairs. I come to again. Head pressed against a door jam. Weeping. I empty my head. And shuffle down the stairs.

At the bottom, it glances across my memory. And I cry out. Breath squeezed from me again. I gasp in ragged breaths. I float into the kitchen. Not aware. I am riding some wave of feeling. I pour a drink. Some of me automatically pouring the drink. The rest of me is balling my eyes out. How very odd. Like a split.

I shuffle into the bathroom. And everything hurts. My torso. Feels like a clamped vice. All my muscles are squealing. I realise they are all contracted. Tight. I am like a wound ball of clenched tension. I try to release them. I cannot. They are all clenched hard. They wont let go. I gasp for breath. This time out of muscle pain. 

I shuffle from the bathroom trying to relax my squealing muscles. Gulping for air. I can't track it. Next I am aware I am at the top of the stairs drink in hand. Everything clenches. I lean against the wall again head first. Gasping for breath. So very very sad. Everything hurts. Everything is blinding. I start to shake.

I am back on the bed. Collapsed on top. Shuddering. I try to calm myself. Empty my head. Slow. Breathe. It retreats in waves. Like a sea washing in and out. Wave, clench, pain, release. Pause. Wave, clench, pain, release.

Slowly it ebbs. But it strikes back. Zing. Ebb. Calm. Zap.

It is Ares.

I thought. I had made some imperfect peace with Ares.

Today. Just by chance. I saw his face. And read my short tribute to him on facebook.

And the knot undid.

And a tsunami of feelings and grief and loss, so much loss, rolled out, swept me away, fresh again.

I miss him so very very badly.

At times. I can gently nudge it away. Pretend. Be an adult.

But it is still there. Still raw. So much awfulness.

I loved him dearly and would not change a thing. I am glad I got to know him. And share his love.

But his loss is devastating. I think. I have pushed him to the rear of late. Versus Athena. My mom. My life. Everything else.

Today. He is front and center. Hurting.

Now.

I remember.

Why I howled the house down when he died.

Calm Johnny.

It sucks.

Your grief is intertwined in so many things. It has crystalised into trauma proper. Calm. Breathe. Find the tiniest of calm spots. The glimpses of beauty through the haze of horror. Take heart in the small things. And be kind to yourself.

Sigh. 

It comes back. All of it. I squeeze and clench. Holding by breath involuntarily. Every muscle in my torso is clenched. It arcs me over. I am curled. Blood starts pounding in my head to my heartbeat. Thump thump thump thump. It half releases. I gasp for air. Tears roll. I try to catch my breath in short fast gasps. No. No. No no no. Terrible sadness flickers through me again and everything clenches again. I go under.

Tense. Clench. Hold. Release. Flop. Round and round. In the moment of relax. Twitches. Shakes.

It is. I Faintly realise. Some. Primal stress response. Fight of flight. Everything tenses. GO.

But there is nothing in my bedroom except for me. And my ghosts.

Slowly.

I let it go again.

It is, I realise. Harrowing. Brutal.

Another lesson to add to the many.

This. Is lesson #14,228 in suffering. Yes. I get it. Stop teaching me it.