Sep 3

 Rough night.

Panic blips all the time. Something weird goes on. I ended up timing it between blips. Just about 20 minutes from one to the next. From wakeful point, calm, doze, sleep and then back to panic wake gasp for breath.

I figured it must be the apnoea. Where my breathing keeps stopping. As a side note this, if nothing else, is going to kill me. Which. To be fair. I was warned about. But. Even when awake afterwards. I can't seem to catch my breath. I am breathing. But. It doesn't seem enough ? And it starts to tickle a running out of air panic. I don't know. Maybe it's just some weird and interesting form of anxiety / panic attack. Maybe it's a little of everything. Each one impacting the next.

After some 4 hours of bouncing in and out constantly of these panic blips. I got up. Took some aspirin, a mental pill. If nothing else. The aspirin would thin my blood out a bit and make things a bit "smoother". And the mental med would slow me down. 

And then I slept. This time I went an hour. Woke up massively overheating. Everything aching. Sweating. Way too hot. The bed underneath me radiated with heat. Apparently I was dumping heat. My feet were burning hot.

And then, eh, the leg twitches. The everything twitches. Almost certainly exacerbated by the mental meds. I know for a fact they increase the severity of my restless legs if nothing else. Particularly if you take them towards a sleep point.

Eventually I slept for some hours. Woke up groggy, and with a mild headache. Woozy. So. Probably apnoea again. But. The meds probably kept me sedated enough just to oxygen starve without waking up.

Awesome.

I dreamed an anxiety dream last night. Very obvious. In a house. That was falling apart around me. And I had no energy to fix it. I was overwhelmed. None of the lights worked. I would desperately try to put a light on, and the switch did nothing. Maybe a faint glimmer of light, but then wink out. With an increasing dread of the encroaching darkness. Athena and Ares turned up at one point. Bouncing around. But I could not keep up with them. Look after them. They faded in and out of the dream. Like something I couldn't hold onto. My ex turned up. Cool. Calm. Indifferent. And abandoned me to my fate. No malice. But no care either. I felt isolated and alone and discarded. Overwhelmed. Anxious. Out the front of the house. Random garbage had piled up. Someone elses dumped stuff. Where had it come from. What was I supposed to do now ?

Eh meh.

You don't need to be any kind of rocket scientist to figure that dream out.

My sub conscious is not having happy times apparently.

I have no energy today.

A mild headache in my scale of headaches. Enough to strip any kind of ability to do much of anything. The exhaustion layered on top of it leaves me beached on a shoreline again. All I want to do. Is sleep.

Life is too much. Forget bigger things like sorting out the house. Getting your financial ducks in a row. Paperwork sorted. Things progressed. I can't even look after myself on a day to day basis. It slips through my fingers. I realise. Because a lot of the time I am incapable. Stuck permanently on charge. Plugged into the wall socket and hoping the battery comes up to charge. And it rarely does. One day blurs to another. Weeks. Months. I put something down in my house. And it literally stays there for years. Unmoving. I don't have the free energy to deal with such things. Much of the time everything is focused on the next breath. And if you do get a glimmer of energy. What do you choose to spend that most rare of gift on ?

Tired.

I am going back to sleep.

Today is going to pass in oblivion. A short period of wakefulness. And suddenly. It will be tomorrow. Or the day after. The weekend will have gone.