Sep 6

 Really struggling mentally. Yesterday was tough. Most of it was spent asleep. And most of the rest of it my mentals were in a horrible place.

I tried at one point to sit up, play a game. Fired it up. Just stared at it for 1 minute a growing sense of awfulness. Turned it off. I retreated back to bed.

Very low.

On stirring around midnight I checked my messages I had received a message out of the blue from a friend who - like many of my friends these days - I have drifted away from.

Unprompted it apologised for being a shitty friend, before launching into a criticism of why that was all my fault. The timing of it was just bizarre. No preamble. No previous conversation. And the tone of it was that strange single line apology before the real content - criticisms, complaints, almost like using an unconvincing self criticism as an excuse to pile on.

To say it wasn't the best of times to hit me up with this is an understatment. But that didn't seem to have figured into their thinking at all. Not so much as a how are you. Clearly something had been on their mind and they just decided to fire it off out there.

Their criticisms was that I sometimes made them feel bad. Dwell on their situation. That I brought them down. Ok.

I replied without reacting in a negative way or questioning what they were saying. If that's what they felt, then fair enough. I did say that it seemed less of an apology and more of an accusation. I did not fight the accusation. I know myself I am careful to couch any opinion I have in noting I don't know it all or the like when they ask. And I am careful to listen a lot and offer only a little unless asked. There have been a couple of occasions where they have wanted me to agree with them and I just have not been able to do so. Notably when it comes to their relationship. They had complained about being treated badly, shouted at, things thrown at them, punched walls, forced into tears on a number of occasions. And it had got to the point where they were looking at places to move out. Done with the relationship move on. Shortly after they were engaged to be married, and all those reported issues vanished as if they had never happened. And they wanted me to buy into their new narrative.

Which. I couldn't do. I can appreciate choices made. In fact I had made it very clear that you pay your money and take your choice and that different people have different thresholds for successful relationships. Some people thrive on conflict. Others don't. Clingy vs independent. Open vs closed. High sexual appetite vs low. And all sorts. You find what makes you happy whatever that looks like. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

But I could not agree with them that all their previous suffering et al was magically gone. 

I have run into this situation multiple times at this point. And to a certain extent I am still learning.

It often goes this way.

Someone vents, lists all the problems and flaws. Some of which are alarming.

And then.

A mood shift.

And they want you to come along with their bullshit ride too.

I understand it.

It is part of the greater bullshit of narrative blanket wrapping will all perform. You warp reality around yourself to fit whatever your current thinking is. Histories change. Memories alter. Denial becomes a large part of it. It is in the end an act of belief. Like most of life. Like a choice to be optimistic or pessimistic.

I find that people often do this out of desperation. Almost like willing something to be true.

I have some issues with this when it comes to people suffering, and then brushing that suffering under the carpet like it never happened.

What in those circumstances am I supposed to do ?

Ignore you were ever in pain ? Pretend that didn't happen ? Or perhaps just ignore you when you are like that knowing that at some future point you might change your mind or not want to acknowledge it ever happened ?

I guess it comes down to my values about being intellectually honest.

Whilst I understand it's part of the human condition. To me. It's just fairy tales. Quite a dramatic version of them.

I've seen some very good friends do the same shit.

And funnily enough the biggest triggers are often around marriage. Or kids.

The plaster that covers the wound. Getting married. Or having kids. Suddenly makes it all better.

Except of course, long term, it absolutely does not. That's not an opinion. That's some I have observed in actuality. All that ends up happening. Is those problems get buried, the timeline goes backwards, but inevitably - because you can't suppress anything indefinitely - they all come back. Stronger. Deeper. And marriages fail. Kids have split parents. And things can turn even more shitty than that.

I'd even say, that pattern ends up so fucking common, as to list it under part of the human condition.

Anyway.

Back to my friend.

It's pretty clear that my friend has not found peace anywhere. They came from a very conservative background - gays were evil, people without jobs were scum, people of different skin colour were freeloaders etc - but had slowly been learning each of those initial position were ... misguided. In the same vein they had married fairly young, and then divorced out in an emotionless relationship. At that point. Every aspect of their life. From friends. To location. To partner. To career. Every single bit of their life has given them major unease. No peace. No zen. They are not comfortable in their skin. They have changed jobs multiple times at this point, and come up against hostile environments. They are now once again considering an entire career change.

Just like they were considering walking out on their other half.

Just like the were considering quitting the country to tour the world. Live somewhere else in the world.

This is not the behaviour of someone content with who and where they are. And they have a self confessed tendency to "run".

In that kind of context. In my humble opinion. Also given the timing of their criticism - out of the blue, no context. It seems to me that their general unease has at this point found me as the lightning rod du jour.

Again this is something in my wheelhouse. It's something I have observed in people who are suffering or ill at ease. They look around in their lives to pin what they feel onto some aspect of their lives. Rightly or wrongly it doesn't matter. It becomes, The Thing. A rationalisation of why they feel the way they do ( when often in these circumstances it's a case of the cart coming before the horse )

I had talked this over with the shrink in previous weeks. How I had seen that pattern repeat. People pick on something in their lives they think is the source of their pain. Their job. Their home. Their spouse. Their family. Their diet. Their locale. The shrink had agreed. A pattern. People not seeing the wood for the trees, desperate to make sense of what they were feeling.

In the few times I had not been able to agree with my friend on their thinking. Politely. You make your own choices. You're a responsible adult etc. I had actually run it past Hazel a few times. Hazel was of course militant. I was too soft. A good friend actually says hard things. Makes friends realise they are fucking up. Not my soft panned disagree but you do what you gotta do. You can always rely on Hazel to have the strongest opinion given a spectrum. Nevertheless. For what its worth. Hazel always agreed with what I thought. But typically more militant.

Anyway.

The unfortunate reality here is that I don't have the energy - nor the mentals right now - to deal with third party drama. I have no capacity to be any kind of therapist or absorb punches you might like to throw.

If my friend had asked before unloading on me something simple as, how are you, I would have told them. No. No capacity for deciding to bring up some random bullshit at this time. But they didn't do that. 

As it was I wrote out a positive reply. Apologising if I had made them struggle more with their issues - I didn't state that at some points pain is inevitable whatever you do, don't shoot the messenger, maybe look at the things that make your relationship unhappy - and that I could understand what they were saying and it was fine to distance themselves from me. I said I hadn't thought of them as a shitty friend, just one that was always busy, and had taken their recent diagnosis of ADHD very hard. It had caused them to question who they were. That their "specialness" was just a common diagnosis ( their words, not mine ). And from that point they had lapsed into silence. I had given them space as I thought they were figuring things out for themselves. Plus. Of course. Giving space to people is these days my default. I have neglected just about all my friendships. Let them drift. Even avoided the occasional meetup when asked. It's me not having energy or wellness. And just drifting away from everyone. Which. Also feels like the "right thing to do". I am aware is not the right thing to do. But. That's what that state of mind wants you to do.

I said to my friend that they had to do what they needed to do to find their peace. Whatever that maybe. That I hoped they could find some peace with their changing of career, reinvention of who they were, and to take care of themselves.

Whilst I had not explicitly stated a goodbye - dramatic. The implication is kind of there. Which to be honest. It kind of has to be, as I don't have the energy to keep up with the drama. And it is. Drama. It is a person who is suffering. And reaching out to vent, push blame, get a reaction, get a response. It is another form of a cry for help. But. I have run out of energy. And, the shrinks words ringing in my ears. Set your boundaries. It's ok to say no.

So. A boundary. As nice as one as I can set. You need to figure this out on your own. I am unwilling to become your beaten horse.

So beyond that, what does it mean for me.

I think at this point. I'm probably done trying to talk at all to people about any of their issues. Even if they ask me specifically. I had said to my friend that the easiest thing to do is shut ones mouth. It is. There is within that. Some aspect of cowardice. Of not getting involved. Of not putting yourself on the line. If you don't engage, you're less likely to get kicked back. Because often as not, no good deed goes unpunished.

So. I think I'm done. Not that I am talking to hardly anyone anymore anyway. So. I doubt it will ever come up again. But I am done. I think at most I will listen and acknowledge. And that's it.

No doubt the shrink will frown at those boundaries being taken to an extreme. A boundary that becomes an all encompassing wall, a bunker. Heh. There is perhaps a little sulky immaturity there. Ok. Fine. I keep getting kicked. Well. I'm not playing at all then. To be a bit more charitable. It's not an unreasonable reaction to getting kicked repeatedly. Protect yourself. Which to date I have either neglected to do, or been very poor at doing.

I need to shut my mouth.

Always.

And. The sad thing here is. Always take what people say with a massive pinch of salt. Even when they are suffering. Particularly when it comes to relationships.

The age old problem of agreeing with your friend when they call their spouse horrible. And then 1 month later they are annoyed at you for thinking their spouse is horrible. But you said..... 

Don't get involved.

No doubt this makes me less caring. More cynical. But clearer boundaries. Perhaps I have finally arrived at burned out cynical shit in some distant shadow of how my parents were. Maybe it just took me 50 years to lose my naivety.

Maybe.

Maybe I just need some time to recoup. I need to spend time to wait for my mentals to improve. And when the air is a bit cleaner again. I will have patience again. And sometimes try.

But I do think I need to be careful in future. I can't take the kicks anymore from engaging in a meaningful way. Better to just play dumb. Oh. I don't know. Oh. How odd that happened. When in reality. I know exactly why that happened.

Hiding who I am.

Eh. Meh.

Perhaps I'm just an asshole. Going around and insulting people. I mean. I don't think so. Hazel berates me for being too nice. And honestly. Hazel doesn't have that kind of opinion of anyone. Others think I'm too forgiving. Careful. Understanding.

Eh. Whatever.

The solution is to shut up. Don't engage.

And right this minute.

I desperately just need to focus on myself. And try to not be suicidal. Rather than dealing with someones displaced discomfort that finds me as their beating stick.