Oct 11

 Exhausted.

I had a bit of energy yesterday to play some games, did too much, exhausted out. Today I am having trouble just getting out of bed.

Stomach is off again with the same old shit. It never really goes away, it just simmers down a bit, and then rises back to a bad constantly nauseous kind of place again.

Tired of it all.

I find myself not being able to stay out of bed for very long. I have to sleep. Even if it's just an hour. It resets something. And I get a little bit of energy. More often than not it burns out in 20 minutes. And leaves me back to square one, either having to slog through exhaustion, or just return to sleep.

I wish it would end, one way or the other. The purgatory inbetween is utter shit.

I have to confess. Every night. I think about that knife. Slicing open my arm. Despite me knowing better, it gives me a tiny bit of comfort before I sleep. Just. Finish it. Do it. No more exhaustion. I think about the practical hurdles. Stupid stuff. How easy would it be to clean up for someone else after. Leave a tap on to wash it away as it happens ? Close the windows ? Door ? Maybe a pillow for my head would be nice.

I guess it comes down to.

Either get better. Or finish me off.

Ho hum.

In the meantime I go through a horrible grinding attrition of seeing just how bad it can get.

And plaster on a mask at times to seem normal. 

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