Oct 17

 Riding along the bottom. Everyday I imagine an end to it all. I have been here before. And I know it's not good. "Not good". I'm not even sure what I mean by that. It's not good in some traditional happy clappy life is a peach point of view. From a much darker more real point of view, it just is. It's a consequence. To a given reality. If things are very dark it starts to make perfect sense why anyone would want to end that. And some notion of it not being good or any such rationalising starts to border on desperation of zealous ideology, that life, must surely, always be right.

The hypocrisy of that view point is self evident. We can discuss things like euthanasia. We easily talk about such things when it isn't a human. The double standard bullshit is peak human condition. We are such a fucky immature lifeform.

Clearly. I am not in the most charitable of moods. Not that any of that is wrong. Just. Brutally on point I think. A very sober lens through which to see. A very objective one. Objectivity is not conducive to smiles and happy thoughts.

Today I have realised that I am just about unreachable. I am locked in a state of permanent grief. About so many things. It's not just one thing. It's a sum of things. And perhaps one of the overlooked ones, but arguably possibly even the greatest one, is my "disappointment" at where we are in modern terms. I despise the current zeitgeist. No matter what political angle you come at it from. Left. Right. I find it all dispeakable. On the right there is unabashed cruelty and an open delight in causing misery in others. A championing of greed and lies and exploitation. A cheering on for some of the worst aspects of human character. Whilst on the left there is a descent into zealotry. Bullying, shaming, a delight in condescension, dehumanising, and an absolute expectation of lockstep single state thinking, that is often hypocritical, poorly thought out and champions belief above rationality. It is not lost on me that those of all colours now resemble each other more than they do an opposition to each other. They oppose each other about certain hot topic points, are you pro or anti immigrant, are you pro or anti sexual freedom. But in everything else they mimic each other. The hate. The intolerance. The zealotry. Beliefs over facts. The demonisation of Other.

But this is not just some political beast. This stuff has leeched into every aspect of modern life. Everything has become politicised. Every action, every nuance is reframed in quasi therapy speak, or some political point. Everything is some "colonial oppression" or some "micro aggression". It has churned out people who have become brainless zealots stuck in a tight spiral of a world they have built around themselves that only sees things like all men are evil, anyone that isn't white is a freeloader, all women need to be manipulated. And on. And on. There are few if any angels here. All those engaged in that fight.

The apt much repeated Nietszche thing I always go back to, reframed in a few different ways always strikes true for me here. That those who hunt monsters should be careful lest they turn into monsters themselves. It is an insightful warning ( look at the police for instance ! ).

It is in human nature that in high tension moments, the thoughtful bit of your brain shuts down, and the emotional fight or flight bit of your brain takes precedent. It is in our evolutionary programming. Stop wasting energy and time trying to puzzle things out. Take a swing. Run away.

I think arguments can often devolve from a high minded starting point and then overtime devolve into that throw a punch mentality. It's a triggering of your threat response.

The bad bit is. The lack of self awareness about this.

At no point does any of these combatants stop, take a breath, and self assess, ok, perhaps I have started to be part of the problem here rather than trying to work to a solution.

Such self insights can be hard. That oh, wait, I too can be a monster.

Yes. Always. Everyone. All of us.

It is, and has always been, so much easier to reject that. No no. I am the holy annointed one. It's everyone else that's an asshole. I am justified all the way down to my boots in what I do. Even in their elimination. Which is what it eventually devolves to.

I abhor the current mental meltdown society as a whole is going through. I think I can see all the bits that feed into why this is - chief amonst them being the internet itself. It has done a number on the way we communicate. Interact. And has caused nothing short of a slow evolving and worsening mental breakdown in a broad swathe of people - those more exposed and invested in the social discourse on the internet, the more at risk they are of melting down into some rabid zealot full of hate ( regardless of political stripe ).

In very real world terms. Take a breath. Switch off the computer. Ignore the internet. It has still leeched through. The politicisation of the sexes. Male vs female. Everyday adjustments. I can remember a few years ago being flatly told by a woman I knew that she was absolutely out for everything she could get. And she did not care at all if she trampled on a dude. They deserved it. And this wasn't some fringe lunatic. This was someone I used to chill out with. I used to help her out a lot. Money. Time. Lifts in car. Support. Free stuff. And beyond that. Things like. An attitude from Hazel that misandry didn't exist. It was "impossible to be prejudiced against men".  Misogyny. Absolutely a thing. Its opposite. Misandry. Wasn't real. Couldn't exist. Which is breath taking in its mental gymnastics. That prejudice can only ever exist in one direction.

But. It's not about the rationality of these things. It's not about sitting down and working it out in terms of logic as a foundation. It's just about beliefs. Emotions. Rejections of what you don't like. Even if that's factually incorrect. Logically insane. Doesn't matter. I want all the ice cream. I don't care about the consequences.

And a complete failure at the meta level to realise that this IS the pattern. Throughout human history. One side or another. Political. Theological. Racial. Sexual. It is the repeated pattern of sinking into a one sided zealotry. Step away from any kind of rationality. And just go with your beliefs. And exterminate everything else. What makes any of these things have justification is not which end of the pitch you choose. Not which colour shirt you pick out. Not which sky daddy is the real one. The justification for any of it, comes down to rationality. The logic of it. The understanding. Acceptance of others. Tolerance. Balance.

At its simplest form it comes down to intolerance. Intolerance leading to unabated hate and acts of cruelty is the repeating pattern.

Just because group A are like that, doesn't mean that as group B that opposes group A then is free of those same fucking patterns. Indeed. It is quite possible for groups A and B, opposed to each other, to be equally fucking hateful and intolerant.

Anywho.

I find myself divorced from the greater part of this aspect of modern existence. I am more connected with the seasons. And the changing weather. And again. Back to dogs. Or any animal. They aren't part of this stupidity. This latest severe bout of human cruelty and intolerance. You can have a very different relationship with them. One that hasn't been polluted by the spreading tendrils of insanity that is the internet.

To be clear. The internet and such things are not in an of themselves evil. Of course not. They are just a reflection of what gets put into them. They are a reflection of us. And all our evils.

Like any tool. A hammer can be used to build a house. It can also be used to beat someones head in.

But also. There must be some understanding there of our own limitations. That we are not always easily capable of self restraint. Of wisdom. Like toddlers we often need boundaries. Guidelines. A set of reins attached to our ass to stop us from toddling over the cliff edge. Alcohol. Drugs. Even sugar. It has to be slowly prised out of our grip. An understanding of not overdoing it. That somethings we are poor at regulating.

I think the internet is one of those things. Social media in particular. It is like a form of drug, addictive, damaging, that slowly drives people insane. Like an addictive harmful substance you can watch someone descend a spiral down into hell. Tell me that isn't the case with social media. Watch that mentality shift from reasonable, to entrenched, to zealous, to intolerant, to hateful. And all the while. An inability to put that mesmeric connection down. To stop chasing views. Popularity. Kudos from your other fellow dementees.

So.

That is one aspect of my suffering. It impacts me in a way that I think like many. It is very difficult to find a sane space anymore. Somewhere you can recharge. Find kindness. Find sanity. Perspective. It is like living in a war torn land and having to live in bunkers to survive the continual bombing. The best you can do. Is shut your door. Turn off the noise. And huddle in your basement. I find that defensive mental attitude common in so many people these days. And the other half. Are lost in some over zealous battle committing sins against others that they were originally against and started out trying to speak out against. In that Nietssche fashion. Hunting monsters has turned them into just more monsters. They haven't removed any monsters from the landscape. They've just joined their ranks. But with a different colour shirt on.

Grief. I find for the most part grief in all of this. I am incredibly sad about the state our world has descended into. Assuredly it is not all like this. Individuals are often good hearted. Take them out of that zealous world. And you find good natured people. And there are pockets and examples of better things.

But I feel the weight of it all.

And then the more obvious griefs.

Of all the things I have lost. All the souls. All the relationships. Including my self. Somewhere along the path I lost myself. I lost a capability to do things. I lost having a life. Replaced by a permanently exhausted, always somewhere on an ill health scale, person. Incapable of doing the most basic things.

I have become at best a silent observer, unable to take part in life. And lost in the sorrows of my past life. And all the beautiful things that have slipped through my fingers, part of that just time itself, cruelly ticking ever onwards, part of it just the weave of paths. Choices made.

Perhaps part of this as well, is those choices. Are almost never mine. I am aware of it. There are very few things in my life where I think I actually made a choice about life. One of those was shifting away from working full time. Opting out of the notion that I had to work my ass off in a given pattern to earn money to stick into a bottomless bucket. Another of those choices was letting my mutts into my life. 

I have also made choices about who else I let into my life. But to be honest. Those feel more... organic than distinct choices. One thing leading to another rather than some calculated sudden decision to do X or Y. And then. The dissolving of those links in my life. Very very often. Nothing to do with me at all in terms of making that decision. I had decisions made for me.

And whilst I don't have a problem with that per se.

IF you start looking at it. You realise it starts to add up to a problem of agency. I am much more pushed about in my life. Than charting my own course. I do make small choices. To be kind or cruel - be kind. And some would argue those are huge choices. But they don't feel like it to me. They feel just like again a logical progression. A. Follows B. I guess perhaps in the end the choices that loom large for me are the ones that directly impact my life. The people in my life. How I have to interact with the world. And in that. I get pushed around. 

Perhaps at the bottom of all that meta thought. Is just the recurring thing that people end up leaving me behind. At its most fundamental raw non thinking core. Whether thats time. Or choice. I cannot at all in any way blame my beautiful mutts for leaving me. It is nature. Life. The universe. That puts that absolute limit on it. But regardless. The result is the same. Something leaves me, and I am alone.

I don't know.

Perhaps it's just echoes of lonliness really crucifying my ass these days. The consequences of suddenly having nothing in your life after previously always having something in your life. Stark. Brutal. No shit that's going to be hard.

I dreamed of my ex again last night.

I keep dreaming of her.

I haven't seen her in approaching 15 years.

And yet.

I keep dreaming of her.

And it is always the same.

Some variation of abandonment.

It seems. My sub conscious has decided to keen wildly on this. Perhaps again this is just an echo of lonliness given whatever form is quickest to hand. Not about her per se. But the feelings involved.

Needless to say.

These dreams are not uplifting. They do not make me wake in any kind of balanced state. I get to relive over and over again a sense of loss. And lonliness. And abandonment.

I am torturing myself quite handily.

And

I am feeling quite ill of late. More ill than ever. Not in extreme terms. I have felt MORE ill than this. But in terms of consistency. I have never felt so always ill at such a level before. Forget good days and bad days. Now all days are borderline emergencies. I ignore it. What am I going to do. The health services do not care. Society as a whole, just by its actions, does not care about me. Why should it. I am just so much garbage ready for the landfill. My death would be less money the NHS has to spend. A house on the market to ease the burden of increasing prices. One less mouth to feed. One less bit of energy to stick into the network grid. I can feel that I am really not wanted as an ill suffering person. I get it. Despite what shitty lip service or "thoughts and prayers" any politician my send my way. The modern art of not giving a fuck, but virtue signalling hard to seem as if you do. Insincerity. Is very popular these days.

And so I am ill. And I am dipping into seriously ill. Taking out the recycling. My condition dips hard. I have to sit down. I feel ghastly. My eyes stray to the shelf. Wedged amongst books I haven't touched in years is a small tupperware container. Tiny. I know what it is instantly. It is a pot. Of dog treats. I know what is in there. I know what they look like. I know what they sound like when you rattle the pot. I know what they smell like when you open the pot. What they feel like in your hand. I have a perfect recall of all of it. I have a perfect recall of the feel of soft eager lips nibbling a treat from your hand. Small teefers. And a happy bum wiggle.

I pull the tub from its place on the shelf. I don't need this anymore. I wipe the dust from it.

Inside there are the treats I imagined would be there. I open the pot. They are still good. The same sound. The same feel. The same smell. All exactly as I had remembered it.

And a wall of sadness crashes over my feelings of being ill.

Now I am hopelessly sad and ill and stuck on a sofa. Incapable.

And I am alone with all of this.

In a quiet corner.

Where no one can see me.

And for the hundredth time.

I reason this is not worth it. This is not worth it.

I just want it to end.

I just want to die.

Let me die. 

And that. Was yesterday. Early evening. Blow by blow. Not a fiction. A recounting.