Oct 18

 Bad. I can feel myself wrestling with suicide in a slap down fight in the mud. My ill health swirls, my sadness keeps rising up and overwhelming me, and it makes the suicide impossible to ignore. Even in moments of clarity. Oh. This isn't good. You really should just tap out.

There was a slippery moment yesterday. When it all went still and suddenly there was suicide. Right there. So easy. It was a bare metal moment. Nothing else there. Right on the edge of that abyss. Are you going to alive in the next 5 minutes or not. I can't really describe it. It felt like an ending that had already been picked for me. It was. Weird.

I skittered away from it after a few minutes of pause. It was very sketchy.

I have bounced in and out close to that over the last 24 hours. Sometimes it fades away into a background hum. Other times its right there. Right in front of me. Inevitable. Everything. Screaming at me to do it. Because. Everything else. Sucks so hard. You don't feel well. You're dizzy. And spacey. And you feel sick. And sad. And breathing is hard. This is the alternative ? Are you crazy ? Just finish it.

I have slumped in and out of sleep. Sometimes. I just want to turn over and blot it all out. Sometimes. It's not the perpetual exhaustion. Sometimes it's just me escaping the world.

I dreamed again.

This time of some form of nuclear power plant. Its maintenance had been neglected. Things had gone bad. Radiation. Somehow. I was connected to this. A fixer of things. An expert was called in. A taciturn older lady. I needed to know how to fix this. I needed to watch her fix this. No one else was willing to do it with her. Everyone else was silent. Not wanting to step forward. Or become notable. Worried eyes watching me and her. Is there a lot of radiation do you think ? I said to her. She gave a wan smile. You don't have to go in there she said. That was her answer. Implied. It's bad. But I would do it anyway. I needed to do it. Regardless of the cost.

The dream drifted away in a tinkering with something lethal.

This week one of our major systems had a serious data fuckup. Serious. Data fuckup. And it had been ongoing for 2 weeks. Cross threading records. Sharing data between users. Smearing any kind of integrity. Literally fucking up every single record it touched.

Bad.

To cut a long story short it was one of those moments where the office came unstuck. And I ended up fixing it when it arrived with me from a desperate office. The damage was extensive. And the office didn't even know where to start. I burned on it on Wednesday. Something I can't really do. Something I shouldn't do. By 9pm I was sure I had found the culprit. And by the following morning, the problem had stopped bleeding its ass out everywhere. Peace returned. But in its wake was 2 weeks of fucked up data, 1000's of users impacted, many contracts now on legally dubious ground.

Despite saving everyones ass. The following day Andy noted that other stuff needed to be done. It couldn't be helped that there was an emergency. But still. Also do everything else too.

This is familiar territory with Andy. He can't. Won't. Reschedule things like an adult. He cannot set boundaries. His anxiety throttles him where he must always say yes to everything. If that means I have to do two impossible things at the same time, that's ok. He passes his anxiety off to me. I have to deal with it.

The shrink has been unusually clear about this. That he is acting like a child. Does not take responsibility. Runs away from anxiety. Wants things to just be magically solved so that he doesn't have to face adult situations. He passes his anxieties and inabilities unfairly onto me.

This is how it has always been. Despite my attempted interventions. Explanations. And eventual distancing of myself - also precipitated because of my declining health.

And here we are again.

No matter the cost to me. Get it done.

When I was bouncing in and out of hospital with suspect heart attacks. And every day Andy was onto me. It it done yet. Have you done the thing. Even with someone dying on their ass. He was incapable of addressing things sensibly. Talking to clients. Reorganising things. Rather than do that. Easier just to pressure someone in and out of A & E. And when I noted what are going to do when I drop dead - the ultimate child like response. Shut it all down ! Close up the company ! Not an adult plan I told him.

This is the downside of continuing to associate with Andy workwise. When push comes to shove he will reach across all boundaries and want to be saved. That child who fears setting any kind of boundary expects the adults in the room to just fix the issues he gets into.

A long time ago, someone both me and Andy had worked with a lot pointed out to me that Andys pattern was to slowly get into a mess with something before scarpering. Dropping it all and running. This is his pattern. He won't deal with things. He just juggles without doing, and then, if forced, just runs. He has run away from me at times when he cannot answer for his behaviour.

He is not going to change at this point.

It doesn't help with all what I have going on. It adds a little skim to me not wanting to stick around. Having to deal with more layers of bullshit. People that always want something from you. Unfair. Unreasonable. Projecting their anxieties onto you. They cannot help it.

I find myself in some ways still having to babysit people. Still having to be the adult in the room. Despite me being in no state to do that. The opposite is true. I need someone to be there for me.

Anyway.

I shall attempt to once again salve his anxieties next week.

But it is a reminder to me.

That I must let them sink or swim on their own merits.

Even if they are staring down the barrel of cataclysmic data fuckery like this week.