Oct 2

 Struggling to keep my sleep schedule in place. But. Sort of getting there. Going to bed early. Getting up early. I am wasted by 7pm. Sometimes I can stretch it out til 10pm ish. As it turns out the 11 hours of sleep is definitely not enough. I flake out and end up sleeping in the middle of my waking phase for a few hours. Pushing me up again to the more usual north of 12 hours. I get so tired. It's crazy.

The government have announced a shakeup in GP appointments and the like. They're now holding GPs to giving online appointment bookings throughout the day during their core hours. You're also going to be allowed to ask questions and request a callback.

If you think this sounds like what they should be doing already, you'd be wrong.

Most, if not all GPs still run the absolutely ridiculous 8am scrum, notoriously shit, and you often end up just not getting an appointment at all.

GPs have reacted to this by saying they're going to be overwhelmed by patients.

You know.

Actually having to provide fucking appointments.

Instead of all of them - as recently revealed by a working GP themselves effectively whistleblowing - working part time, raking in the cash, and fucking off either for leisure time or more lucrative posts.

The doctors union has rumbled that they could strike over it.

The government has basically told them to put up and shut up. "They cannot stick to old ways"

This is a long overdue smack around the chops to pampered GPs and the god awful system currently in place that is completely run for the convenience of the GP and no one else. Of course it's going to go down like a lead balloon with the GPs - they are getting gently nudged off their cushy fucking setup.

Fuck em.

If some of them quit. Good. If they strike. Fine. There are record numbers of trainee docs going through the system that are complaining they cant get posts. What's going on here is that existing docs are taking up all the oxygen and have feathered their nests very well indeed, all the while bemoaning funding, and time, et al, whilst as it turns out earning double the national wage for part time work. But by taking up spaces they also stop newly trained docs from entering the service. It basically ends up as a bit of a fucking racket as far as I can see. Stop anyone new from coming in and challenging their position. Feather their position as much as possible with light work hours and high wages. Prevent anything from changing that. If you're being an immoral ass, or even just a, I dont think about it, then its a sensible strategy. You're definitely screwing the system to benefit yourself. But. Then. I think that's half the problem with the modern world. Everyone is desperately trying to screw the system to their own benefit. Rather than actually working together as a community.

Anyway. Hopefully some good change will come out of it. But I doubt the GPs will take it lying down. No doubt there will be scuffles and misery and a lot of sulking as systems are undermined to "make a point" and try to go back to a cushy life. I do think if push comes to shove, burn it down and leave just the truly willing and good GPs, and then overhaul the lot and fill up with eager trainees. Whilst you'd lost a lot of experience in theory, if you can't see any of the fuckers anyway, what do you end up losing ? 

Today I grazed across a couple of old TV bits. Old shows. World of Sport. I can remember being mind numbingly bored as a kid watching World of Sport. Diabolical. But sometimes all you had. And yet for all that. Today. I have had a huge blast of nostalgia and wishing it were those times again. Life was simpler back then. Less bleak. More possibilities. It struck me that I absolutely fucking hate my life. I get on with it. Quietly. Simply. As ever. You adapt. And survive. But fuck me. When you step back from it. I hate it. It is survival. Not enjoyment. Not thriving. Not hopeful. It's just drawing another breath.

Ho hum.

I think we're fucked. As a species. As a society. I think our mistakes and excesses are catching up with us. And everything is turning to shit.

In that environment. Maybe just getting from one day to the next is the best you can do.

As the shrink likes to tell me. That's not a failure. That's a success. Surviving despite the shit.

Uh huh.

Still here. So far. I suppose.

The shrink would call that an admirable success. 

I remain very skeptical. 

Change of topic.

Eating is tricky again.

I dont want to eat anything.

Getting hungry.

Everything feels... "bad". Like it would make me sick.

I am uh. Feeling my way through it.