Oct 27

 Work was misery last week. Pushing hard to get something done, which I absolutely should not be doing, and yet another case of our problematic dev having a bit of a pout.

I'm not going to get into it really. It's kind of shit. Our problem dev is still a problem. I did talk to Andy about it. He weighed in with his own problems with him. And the upshot is that yes, he's a problem, if we rectify it, he's probably going to leave. And we'd lose someone who's doing a good job in other places. And a massive pain in the arse in others. Andy admitted he was at fault for it. But. Contributing circumstances. Andy is talking to him this week. Not sure how that will go. Andy will not and cannot check people. He placates. We shall see.

This week at therapy there were several things to pick over. I gave the shrink a choice. They immediately gave it back to me. Of course. I didn't really mean to fix on it this week, but we picked up a conversation with my sister and my family overall.

I spoke to my sister this weekend, checking up how she was doing, she has been struggling a lot with a shitty work environment, and as it turns out she has quit, and got another job. A huge effort for her, and amazingly well done. We ended up chatting for over an hour, which was me mostly listening.

There was one point that I concentrated on with the therapist though. When my sister said that everyone was doing ok, she then told me, that I was also doing ok. You're doing ok.

She didn't ask. She told me.

In the same week that the shrink asks how worried I should be about you. My sister tells me how I am doing.

I have no ill will or blame or anything for my sister. At all. Zero.

But I said to the therapist that it did hit. Being told what I was. Not asking. I said I am socially polished enough and understand what people are like, therapeutically aware enough that I just roll with it, and it's nothing. But. Still.

How did it make you feel the shrink asked.

Yeah. It hit. If I pushed a little. It hurts. A little. And if I think about it. It leans into not being listened to. Being isolated. Alone.

I can see that the shrink said. You're being pushed away.

Yeah. It is what I have identified with our family. We do not gel properly. Because of how we were raised.

I do ask people how they are. Listen to them. Case in point. I am listening to my sister. I am interested in how she's going. All of it. And I listen. And let her unload. And relate. And be seen.

The other way around.

Eh.

I said to the shrink I am not bringing you things again that I don't understand. I get it. But. I am telling you about the things that emotionally impact.

What's your take on it then said the shrink. Why does she dismiss you ?

I said it's like a case of wishful thinking. It's about not coping. It's about running away from things. Please don't tell me a bad thing. You're ok. You're fine. La la la la la. So I get dismissed, because she doesn't want to deal with it. Can't deal with it.

I said this is a similar pattern she does to her kids. She dismisses and minimises. She then wonders why they don't talk to her. She is busy telling everyone around her, it doesn't matter, ignore it, you're fine. Keep going. And no one gets heard. But what they do learn. Is not to take any worries to her.

I gave a couple of examples of where this has very clearly played out.

The shrink agreed.

We got into family again. My sister asked if I had spoken to the old man. No. I don't have the energy or wellness. And talking to him is very difficult. He never asks about you. Or anything. It's just about him.

I related to the shrink again that my dad had never once asked me how I was doing. Ever. Never in my life has he asked after my wellbeing. As an adult he has not asked what I am doing, interested in, how work is going or anything. Nada.

The shrink was surprised and appalled. But mostly kept silent. In the end they concluded that mostly my dad was just emotionally detached. Emotional neglect.

I said in passing to my sister that I had been an inconvenience. We had all been inconveniences my sister said. We were all just an inconvenience to them.

This painted a picture for the shrink.

I said that my relationship with my mom was difficult. It was I said like a gladiatorial ring. Where you face off against someone dangerous. Knives out. You need to be watchful of them. Be careful of them. You are pacing around watchful for an attack, and there is always the threat of violence.

The shrink wanted details.

I said I didn't accurately recall all of it, I wasn't sitting there writing each thing down in a book of grudges, but, despite that, I had a bunch of good examples, mostly about nothing at all, but it gives you the idea.

Making tea for an insurance salesman and my mom. Which I did in good faith. And then my mom telling me the tea was shit, useless, I was fucking useless, she would go do it herself, which she then did. All in front of the insurance salesman.

Ok.

Then the biscuits. Friends over to play a game. My mom flipping her lid at me giving my friends "her biscuits", how dare you etc. Ok. Lesson learned. The following week I bought my own biscuits. How dare I. Buy biscuits for your friends. Don't buy biscuits for me. Fuck you. Ok.

The shrink noted I couldn't win.

No I said. Whatever I did was always wrong. And I got kicked hard for it.

I reeled off some more examples. The bit about catching both my moms hands mid way to beating the shit out of me. When I was big enough and ugly enough to match her physicality. No. There will be no more punching about the head with brass knuckle like rings. That stopped on that day.

Grim.

I said you can see that it taught me some things. I avoided my mom.

- you had to said the shrink.

Yeah. I learned to be very aware of someone elses negative moods. I learned that I didn't count. But what my mom wanted counted. I learned to be very small. Have no self worth. And read peoples emotions.

I said by the time I was a teenager the battle lines were firmly drawn. I mostly avoided my mom. I went where she wasn't. And my dad during this. Was non existent. Didn't care. Didn't ask.

So the shrink said. Emotionally neglected on the one hand. And a form of psychological abuse and emotional neglect on the other. 

During my conversation with my sister. She said that both she and my brother had fled the house as soon as they were able.

I know I said.

You both scarpered. That was difficult I said. Hard. I felt like I had lost my two best friends and I was alone. Alone in the house with monsters. I said as a kid I didn't get it. As an adult looking back, of course. The only two people I was properly connecting with left !

My sister had a regretful look on her face. She understood. She said that I would grab at her bag, and tell her to please not leave, please dont go, please take me with you.

I had forgotten I did that. But I remembered when she said that.

The shrink listened to this recount. And was beyond mortified at me begging my sister not to go.

That, the shrink thought, was a more clear signal than anything else. Don't leave me here with these people.

As a kid I didn't get it. I had those feelings. But I could not have clearly told you why. As an adult. It's very obvious. 

So the shrink said, and I think I already know the answer, but who supported you through that loss. Who comforted you ?

No one I said. You just get on with it. My memories of my parents there are a vacuum. They didn't figure. They didn't care. You just get on with it don't you.

I learned that this was part of life. Dealing with those feelings. No help. You just deal with it.

A child that age does not have the capability to regulate those emotions the shrink said. They can if they are supported and nurtured, but not if they're left on their own.

We once again got to the point where I Said my parents never expected me to talk to them again when I left home.

They must have had an idea what their relationship with you was then. And something of what they had done to you.

Eh. I said. Perhaps they just thought I was anti social or something. I am not sure they were ever that aware of what they were doing.

Perhaps said the shrink. But it seems there was at least an inkling of what they had done to you.

The implication being they knew they had not been kind to me.

We talked a bit about the old man. Depression. Clever. Innovative. A maverick. But prone to filling the gaps with bullshit. Of sulks. Of not taking responsibility. Of being the meanest dog in the pound. The background there of being "hard". A hard family. Tough.

Eh. Meh.

The shrink noted that you couldn't expect a child to come out of that environment without a number of issues.

Fucked up little me.

As the shrink likes to say. A number of things I had to do to survive.

Hmm.

For what it's worth. The shrink thinks I have had it very hard.