Oct 3

 Bad mentals day.

I checked one of my annual renewals this week. It's something I rarely do, and by rarely I mean, I can't remember the last time years wise I did that. House insurance. This year it's doubling in price. And it's doubled at some point in the past as well. The price hike is ridiculous and taking it somewhere in the range of 3 to 5 times what I should be paying for it.

So. Just change it right ?

My immediate reaction was anxiety. Depression. Despair.

I am very fragile. There is a price for me enduring the shit I do. The shrink would call it a decline in resilience. Vanishing to zero at its worst. I've always understood it to be a lowering of emotional threshold. But these days it also manifests in me being overwhelmed on a hair trigger. It isn't universal. Somethings I am still resilient with. But others. I tip over the edge in the blink of an eye.

This. Apparently. Is one of those things. On paper. It's utterly stupid. But. This is the long shadow cast by mental health issues. I am not well. I have mental health challenges. It's not just a throwaway term. It means. I can struggle. Hardcore. About things that should be trivial.

So. The issue with my house insurance is that my house - a considerable time ago - had subsidence and was subsequently underpinned. When I bought the house to save for faffing around with difficult insurance issues, the insurance was just carried over from the insurer who had underwritten the house during the subsidence. They were fine with this. Just a continuing thing.

Since then it's always lived rent free in the back of my head. That there's something wrong structurally with my house. That it's a bit of a problem. And that I have no choices insurance wise.

Also it has to be said, there is a sudden shifting of the run in terms of finances. Figuring out how much money you have. Can you survive on the money you have. Etc. This goes a bit sideways when some bills suddenly inflate to double their cost in a single year. How the fuck can you account for that, make any kind of plan. It makes me feel like the system is even more rigged against you than it already is. No matter what you do. How hard you work. What you save. Some bunch of rich exploitative fuckers are going to find a way to rob you of all of it. And leave you living as a serf whilst you're useful. And dead when you're not. Super dystopian.

The bit about the house being a risk is. Without doubt. An anxiety thing. It has been blown out of proportion in my own head.

But also. These days. My incapability to do shit. To hardly fend for myself. Feeds the fears of not coping. 

So.

I've struggled with that the last 24 hours.

It's not pretty. It's quite the vulnerability. It's kinda pathetic. But. I'm honest with myself. And what it is. And how I struggle with it. Not that it makes it better. But. I try to avoid beating myself up about it.

Today I have very very slowly gathered a bit of fortitude against the anxiety. Had a quick look around at other insurance. There are plenty of other choices out there for me which reduce the cost by two thirds.

There is a worry that I will flip insurance, then find a problem, and the new insurer will just decline any kind of cover if worst came to worst. I know what they can be like wiggling out of cover. But to be fair they might even have a point. There's a problem there where you flip coverage, it leaves you vulnerable.

What I should be doing at this point is :

Getting a surveyor out to kick the tyres of my place. Assess any movement. Potentially get some building work done.

Get my insurance changed.

This is a lot for me.

I would also for my own anxieties, have to make the house spotless and get it in some shape or form to have someone poke around it.

Again. Quite an ask.

Slowly. I am trying to get my head into the right space about it all.

Ho hum.

I don't want to deal with any of it. Or any of life. Just. Leave me alone. In a hole.

Life however, has other ideas.

I have. The most stupid of basic dumb ass plans.

I will. Very slowly. Try and start tidying everything up. Maybe even stretch to a lick of paint in some places. Then. Get a surveyor in. And go from there.

Long term plan.

Hilariously. I have hardly made it out of bed today.

Such plans.

So little capability.

It's caused me ironically to briefly look at moving. Even though. That would be an even bigger challenge.

I gave the bungalow near my sister another poke around. £275k. If I could teleport between where I am now and there geographically. I would take it. But. Eh.

https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/163979150?utm_campaign=property-details&utm_content=buying&utm_medium=sharing&utm_source=copytoclipboard#/&channel=RES_BUY 

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