Oct 4

 Storm is upon us. High winds.

I like storms. Always have. It says a lot about me. It also says a lot about me that hasn't changed, something fairly deep, something at my core. There's something primal about storms. I think. I like the way that most people tend to run away or hide from storms. It. Clears the air. It seems I have always preferred spaces where people leave. And when a storm comes. Most people tend to leave. Or take cover. Or are subdued. Who they are dials down. Weirdly. It gives me space to breathe. Storms make sense to me. They aren't full of rules or bullshit. Not classes to attend. Timetables. Not fucking bills to pay. Responsibilities. They just are. And they have the capability to reshape the world around them.

And if no ones looking. I used to sometimes go out in storms and just stand there and absorb them. They would energise me. Electric. Would make all the hairs stand up on end and a tingle go up my spine. 

That probably sounds kind of nuts.

I don't know what to tell you. And I can remember being that way even when I was a kid. I think. The oppression of my upbringing maybe makes a storm an escape. Something that doesn't kow tow to the dysfunctional mess of humans.

You can even see there's the start of a theme there. About honesty. And authenticity. It's the same with dogs. That primal connection. No bullshit. And in them. Loving, thinking, fully formed personalities. Who will love you unconditionally.

I think. You start to see there even in a young age - so odd - me peeling away from what's considered normal community. But then. If you have a dysfunctional family unit. Maybe that's the direct result. If that's not a good experience, then you equate that to "bad", and the thing that isn't like that as "good".

I dunno.

I like storms.

And many times. I do wonder at them blowing everything away. A truly enormous storm. That wipes everything and everyone away. Upends our status quo. All our bullshit rules. I think that's probably just a reflection of not being happy with the world. And wanting it to start again.

I can remember when I was in the US. And how tornadoes were talked about with genuine fear. And. There's me. Suppressing the desire to go touch one. I would. Love to see one. No. No you wouldn't. Yeah. I would. No. You wouldn't.

I don't think they realised what a lover of storms I was. Even ones that would obliterate me. Wait. I get to see an amazing storm and be erased out of existence ? Sign me up.

For the record. I have a similar but different relationship to the dark as well. But. That's another story. 

Today has been a rollercoaster.

Much of this morning and early afternoon were spent in a pit of despair. This is hardcore depression territory that moves past the hopeless apathy and misery into active suffering, high state anxiety and starts becoming very sketchy mentally. Spiders coming out of the walls. It is not a good place. It's a place where you start to properly wig out and resemble those stereotypical portrayals of nutcases. It's also a space where suicide becomes very accessible. You are in an altered state.

Ho hum.

I opted to stay in bed. And sleep. Sleep the horrors away. Despite having things to do. I need to tidy at least a little per day. Which spirals. Into feeling bad about myself. About failing. And so on. I am I think fairly good at not letting those demons go too far. I am a master at knowing how self critical and damning that stuff can be. But. Even so. Sometimes it's a bar fight. It's a struggle to let it go. Let go of that anxiety. That self loathing. Sleep.

Late afternoon. I am awake. I feel more stable. The storm outside is still here. The storm inside has settled to a rumbling, the worst of it has passed. This also is very typical with me. There is a very serious diurnal pattern I get. Often not all of a 24 hour period is the same mentally for me. It is noticeably much worse at certain times. Phases. It has been that way with me forever. Better in the evenings. Worse in the mornings. Way. Way worse. But also. You get that dip, or perhaps, it is the oncoming storm, in the early hours of the morning. Particularly if you've been sleeping. The nightmares of around 3am are very real. So. You can probably - depending on where your sleep period is - fix it to somewhere from 3am to 3pm. 12 hours of horror. And slowly, hour per hour after 3pm it tends to release its grip.

If that doesn't say hormonal, I don't know what does.

A quick dip into google shows that this is a common pattern. Diurnal depression ( DMV ). About a 20% rate in people with major depressive disorder. This is high enough to be classed as "common". Also highly associated with "melancholic depression".

Eh to me. It must mean some endocrine imbalance going on. Surely. If you look at that. Study it ? But. That's another rabbit hole.

I do have a cracking bruised headache going on, top of my head which I seem to have picked up whilst asleep. Nasty. Throbs when my blood pressure at all changes or I cough. 

Moving on. 

My brother has floated the idea of coming to visit me on Monday. Not sure why Monday of all days. He's off an about in his caravan for an end of season malarkey. And this time, he's about 30 minutes away from me. It's super rare he visits. Even on the times he's literally been 5 minutes down the road to me. My family in general do not visit me. It's just how it is. And these days, I am far from good company. I am probably best avoided. Then again. That could be my inner demons talking. I don't think so. Some people actively seek my company. But. Under certain happier situations.

I think the bitter truth is that people who are suffering do not make for good company.

But eh. I wasn't always suffering like that. Still didn't have family visit. Ha ha.

Anyway.

Chances are my brother will visit on Monday. It will be nice to see them.