Nov 25 AM

 It's late. Or early. It's still really the day before. But I am delaying sleeping. Work tomorrow. Today.

The evening has unwound in more revelations.

I started going over what the shrink had said today with my friend who works with kids in charity.

He listened.

I mentioned the shrink using exactly the same words he did about duty of care. That parents had a duty of care. And that the shrink thought my parents had failed that epically with me.

Well. Said my friend. If we come across a child where they have had some medical episode. Not even a major one. And the parents have done nothing about it. We raise it. It is negligence. And it kicks off a whole investigation and paperwork.

With you. In that scenario. It would be more than negligence. It is borderline abuse. 

A long silence.

I've never really thought about it in that way I said. To me. It was just. The Time I Nearly Died. When I think about my parents there. There is nothing there. They weren't involved.

Yes. Said my friend. Which speaks volumes about their lack of care.

He then recounted a personal story in which his brother with learning difficulties had overnight vomited up blackberries. Everywhere. And as a child himself he had then knocked on the various adults doors. Trying to bring to their attention this had happened. But he said. He didn't realise that he could knock louder. And getting no response. Took it on himself to clean his brother up. Get new sheets from the airing cupboard, change the bed, made sure his brother was ok. And then went back to sleep.

In the morning he said his parents were horrified. Horrified that he had gone through that on his own, he was lauded as a hero, and well done, but it been made clear to him that he should always try to get help. And his parents were worried about him and his brother in the aftermath.

That, he said, is normal.

What you had. Where they've gone to sleep, to let you deal with a life or death asthma attack on your own. Is not normal. What kind of person does that ? He asked himself out loud what on earth they could have been thinking. He said at the very least, one of them should have stayed up. To keep an eye on you. To comfort you. Help you.

Another long silence.

This more than anything mildly upset me.

Because I could see what my friend was saying. His experience. I could see. Is what is expected. And then I compared it to what I had been through. And you realise. That's not right. It's not right.

I know. Myself. As I said to the shrink. If you put me in any of those situations. I would not make the same choices my parents did. I would not inflict that kind of shit on a kid. I would rather cut my limbs off than make the same choices they did. It wouldn't happen.

But my friends direct experience difference. And also. Another professional. In that world. Telling me. In no uncertain terms. It isn't right. It is neglect at least. Abuse at worst.

After a while he queried again what my parents could have been thinking. 

And then I thought about the dog.

Perhaps this gives some insight into my old mans thinking I said. And this is, not hugely long ago. Ten years perhaps. Something of that age.

My brother went on holiday and tasked my parents with looking after their small dog.

And at one point the dog got out, and went missing.

I was talking to my mom on the phone every day at that point. And she mentioned it. The dog. Was missing. And the old man was just pottering around the house.

You have gone looking for it right ? I said.

Your dad said he hasn't got the time or bother to do it.

What ?

He hasn't looked for it.

What ? You know that's not right, right. Please tell me you've told someone. Please tell me you're going to look for it. If it was my dogs. I would be out, up and down, ceaseless, trying to find them. Worried. Anxious.

I asked to speak to my dad.

He talked about some minor project he was working on.

You've lost the dog I said ?

Yeeaahhh he said. Unconcerned. I can't be doing with it. 

You've looked for the dog ? You're going to look for the dog ?

No. I've got no time for that he said. And then segued into talking about some wood cut he was making. Unconcerned. Didn't give a shit.

I was appalled.

In the end in the evening I said, I think my sister or someone found the dog hiding under a parked car outside my brothers house. 

You know what I'm like with dogs. If you want to see me go nuclear. Fuck with a dog in front of me. I said to my friend.

If he had done that to my dogs. I paused. And this isn't good. I know. But I would have punched his fucking lights out. I would have beat the shit out of him through a fucking door. And if something had happened to my dogs. If Athena or Ares were killed. I would have killed him. Because. I wouldn't care at that point. I wouldn't care what happened to me. I would just make sure. He was gone. And could never do that to anything ever again. Do what you like with me after. I wouldn't care. I would make sure he was removed from the world.

But anyway.

Perhaps I said. That gives insight into just how... oddly callous the old man can be. Like. A brain short circuiting. If you're prying hard. Perhaps it is some weird, fucked up, non social autistic response. Unable to get a hold of empathy. Care. Concern.

Maybe it doesn't compare I said. It's "just" a dog. So perhaps. To my old man. Doesn't count.

But. When you think about him. There are a number of things that aren't "normal". Like he never asks about anyone. No questions. Ever. Ever. Not even a how are you. Nothing. Only talks about himself. And. His fucked up mentality back in the day. The hardest of arseholes. Always ready to stand up. Do violence. No doubts. Zero doubt who was the biggest dog in the house. Confronted actual murderers. I said. This. Does not speeak of someone normal. This isn't your average kind of normal dude. This speaks of someone.. on an extreme. Unusual. And then not to mention is enormous chip on his shoulder. The bitterness. The eccentricities. There is something very unusual about my old man. ( and we're not even covering here what my mom was like. her own twisted always hostile always volatile self, taking out her emotions on her kids ).

My friend went back to the asthma event. That must have traumatised you. With the asthma.

I've never thought about it I said.

No. My friend said. Because that to you is normal. You didn't realise that was fucked up. You think that's normal.

Maybe. I said quietly.

What the shrink said today. Their reaction to it. Made me think about it. Think about it in a way I never have. Made me realise what was missing. It's. Another one of those missing things.

You buried it deep said my friend.

I don't know I said. No. It's just. I never thought about it like that.

Yes. Your normal is people not giving a shit. Not helping. No expectation of being parented.

We talked some more about it. How it all linked into me not having any self worth. Any value. No consideration of myself. I don't count. And. Even now. It's in my core. I don't count. I can feel it. It doesn't matter what happens to me. It doesn't matter if I am sacrificed. So long as someone else is ok.

It somewhat upset me this evening.

Another one of those heavy thudding lead weights falling to the floor. Thunk.

Oh.

I don't know how I feel about it all I said. I don't know what to entirely make of it. That past.

My friend related another story. This time recent. One of his kids was showing up to events with shoes falling to pieces. In bits. Bits missing.

This is for them an immediate alert. That a kid is being sent out. Improperly looked after.

After we looked into it he said, it turns out that his mom said they have a parrot. And it keeps nibbling their shoes. And that's what it is.

Ok. But he explained. This doesn't then mean it's ok. You need to then replace your childs footwear. You can't send them out like that. It's your responsibility as an adult to look after them. Just because you have a parrot, doesn't absolve you of that.

He said. It gets sketchy. Because such things are flags. That social services needs to get involved. Questions are asked about whether the parents are capable of looking after their kids. If they can't clothe them. Are not making good decisions about their welfare.

I then said about my brother. Being sent to school in a black bin liner instead of a coat.

Horrific. My friend said. If a child turned up to our service like that, he said it would be an immediate social services call. It is neglect. And not only neglect. Abuse. (Apparently). Because that kid is going to encounter all sorts problems at school turning up like that. 

I was surprised. That it flagged that high. Don't get me wrong. I can see it's shit. But I am not on the frontlines of how that shit goes down these days.

I said my brother was scarred about it. Even now. He carried that scar. I didn't know about it until relatively recently.

Your parents had no sense of duty of care my friend said. They are, to be frank, not fit to be parents. In this day and age. Kids would likely get taken away from them if it was investigated.

But he said. This is in todays landscape. Back then. Different story. Even then he said and thought about it. Even then. Something would be done about it.

Hum ho.

So now I have a therapist and a veteran childcare charity director telling me in no uncertain terms its neglect. At the very least. Abuse. At the worst. Varying.

I still. Am not sure I am accepting it. I can hear it. But. It's not going in. I am still looking for some reason that means all of this is a joke. Or wrong. Or didn't happen.

How. Peculiar. 

And still. It unwinds in my head.

Can I remember any of my friends being sent out in bin bags ?

No. No ! Of course not ! Never.

Can I remember any of my friends being ignored when they were ill ?

No ! Of course not !

Then.

Why have you just accepted that without question for yourself or your siblings.

....

I don't know.

It didn't seem....

...

relevant ?

I don't know.

It's normal.

It isn't.

I can see that. But. It's normal.

It's not.

I don't know.

I think. I never had the tools as a kid to understand that. And then as an adult. You just accept. What was handed to you. And. I never properly scrutinised it. 

Hmm.

Strange lands.