Nov 27

 Car was in for an MOT yesterday.

Needless to say I was exhausted. But off I went.

By the time it was all done and had got home, I struggled to walk up the stairs to bed. My energy levels were tapped out, and my legs were shaking. Yikes !

I think some of it is me becoming incredibly unfit. Increasingly unwell. And a history of dog walking long behind me now. I have fallen into a pretty awful unfit state.

But a bigger part of it is The Bullshit. It sets you up to fail because it limits what you can do. And when you do it it drains you of life. Which in turn lowers your fitness. And then makes it all a bit worse. Rinse and repeat.

I miss the person I used to be. I would take a guess that this is the lament of all people beyond a certain age. And that maybe I've just got here a bit earlier, but, in many ways, I am just mimicing that later stage. Sad at the loss of youth. If nothing else. It's certainly a refrain I hear from those around me who are getting to an older age.

But. There's a bit more to it than just that. I miss my walks with my mutts in lovely green spaces. Very much. With rose tinted hindsight, it now seems like a wonderful dream like world that I lost. But even then. When I would go on many of my walks. It wasn't lost on me how lovely it was. I was not complacent. It was genuinely lovely.

At the very least perhaps you can say that. For all my time with my mutts. I did not take it for granted. I was not complacent about it. I got the most out of it I could. And as time wore on, that only got greater and greater. I put aside my fear of losing it all. As I knew one day I would. And just concentrated on the moment. And how nice it was.

I suppose I should take a small amount of cold comfort from that. I was able to enjoy that thing, that bit of life to its fullest. And I do not regret spending all the time with them that I did. Prioritising them. And spending almost no time away from them at all - mindful that it was a gift. And in any case. They always missed me. In total. I spent less than two handfuls of days away from them in the course of 14 and a bit years. And for the rest of that time. I was there with them. All day. Working from home. I think. This is the ideal doggo setup seeing how social they are. My only small regret. Is that I couldn't take them everywhere with me. I get society would frown on it. And why that is. But personally. I disagree. Wildly controversially. I think your dogs should be able to go wherever you go. And if they can't go somewhere. Then you don't go there. But it's difficult.

Anyway.

Why am I talking about doggos. The past. That person is gone Johnny. 

Ho hum.

As for the car. It's alright. 16 years old. Nothing really terribly gone wrong on it so far. Admittedly it leads a quiet life with me. It would be quieter if it was kept in a garage, but I don't have one ( one of my very low down the priority list gripes I have... all things being equal and not being a useless invalid, it would be nice to move somewhere with a garage / crafting space. ). The arse suspension is slowly corroding away. One of these days I will need to get it replaced. I suppose I should do it this year really. And pre-empty any future MOT failure. I will stick it on my soft list of things to do that I never have the energy to get round to doing. Although. Getting the suspension sorted out on the car does seem like a fairly low energy ask - at least for me anyway, who would be doing none of it myself.

I have made a commitment to attend a couple of christmas dinners this year. The vague swirl of anxieties ride around me that I wont be able to make them. But. I'm going to try. And. Despite my usual ups and downs. I feel like, maybe I have a better chance of doing it this year. So. I will commit to it. And do that whole nonsense will it into being malarkey. Manifesting. Some real edge case voodoo CBT therapy bullshit. We shall see. We shall also see that even if I do attend it, what am I going to eat, and how ill will it make me feel.

Marvellous.

I think I just might sleep today. I am still exhausted from yesterday. Ho hum. I suspect I need another at least 24 hour down time hibernation day.

Perhaps I have turned into a bear. That always thinks its winter. And always needs to hibernate.

I would certainly appreciate it being cold all the time. The summer heat can fuck right off on our climate boiling planet.

Watched this today on AI from the "father of AI". https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5KmopXwjXik I agree broadly with all his points. Including the you don't realise what's coming bit. Am on the same page. I think many involved with AI development in some way or another share a very similar opinion. It's hard not to when you see what's going on and what the capabilities of it are. Just AI Agents alone. People have no idea. None. Just how far reaching, all powerful and absolutely disrupting is the work currently going on that by and large hasn't hit the mainstream yet. Wait and see.

 I have some very different thoughts on identity and job however. Funny. That's been the topic of discussion for the last month. How your job is NOT your identity. Even though for many, it becomes defacto that - which in my opinion is dysfunctional conditioning accepted by society as a useful thing. 

Also, glass ceilings not included. I think the rise of a super intelligence is going to come along a lot quicker than many estimate. But. We shall see. Many variables. Many possible glass ceilings. But. It smells like its just around the corner. We are right on that threshold.

May you live in interesting times.