Nov 29

 Yesterday evening the nausea intensified. Bad.

I was some form of nauseous most of yesterday. And by late evening it had got worse, I was low energy talking to a friend and had to make my excuses and drop out.

It got to the point where I could feel my system kick into a high alert state. The sweat dump. The prickles. A sense of being deeply unwell and dizziness.

10.30pm. I retreated to bed. And slept.

Woke up just after 4am. A lot of things on my mind, turning over - therapy stuff. And. Hungry of all things. But also fragile. I slowly shuffled to the bathroom, kitchen and made myself a small bowl of cornflakes.

Stayed up for a while. And then went back to sleep.

Its now 1pm. 13 hours of sleep split by an hour ish in the middle.

I feel delicate. But not nauseous. Yet. I have a horrible sense that if I do anything, eat anything, I am going to immediately go back to feeling nauseous and even more unwell.

I have eaten an apple. As something. To hedge my bets.

I am tired. I want to go back to sleep again.

I have for some time in the back of my head played out a high likely scenario. Where my nausea bullshit gets worse. Because. It is a slow developing problem. The exact why doesn't matter. Cancer progression. Dysfunctional progression. Age. Covid. Whatever. And that in that scenario. It will get worse. To a point where it goes critical. And there will be some Very Bad Days Indeed. I am aware it's a possibility. Not an inevitability. But a possibility. When I get more ill with it. I understand where I might be. I don't panic about it. I get it. And I accept my fate with it. And just wait. And either hopefully don't suffer too much. Or. Prepare my usual control. And understand that I will sink into that unfortunately very familiar state of dealing with a horrible state of existence where it dwindles down to a dot of pure suffering.

It's. Ok. I understand. But hopefully, it doesn't come to that.

My wrestling with the past and therapy stuff comes and goes.

Sometimes it's out of my head entirely. And there is a bit of peace. And other times it storms into the front. And I go round and round with it. The chain of thoughts goes something along of line of, that was terrible, it cant be that terrible, I had my basics looked after, its ok, no, its not ok, you know bad shit happened, if you remove the labels you are comfortable with it, put the labels on you squirm, and, two professionals have told you, in no uncertain terms it was Very Not Good, but you seem unable to accept their statements. It was not good. Yes. But. It can't be that bad right. It's just. Different times. It doesn't matter. No, it's not just different times. And you know how much it has affected you. You know that some people in your adult life could see your vulnerable state - even without knowing your history.

Round. And round. It goes. Yes. No. Yes. No. Can we just pretend like nothing happened. No.

In the end. One thing has popped out.

Caution.

There is no harm in being cautious. It is neither denial or acceptance. It is caution and care about processing it and thinking about it. And by and large. Caution is a wise strategy.

So.

I need to be cautious with it all.

And. Heh. I need to talk to the shrink about what's going on.

How. Do you tell. What is denial. And what is over reaction. Can you keep a serious face and say overreaction in the face of two professionals telling you otherwise. Doubt.

"Denial is a very common reaction in abused people, often serving as a protective coping mechanism against overwhelming pain, fear, and trauma. It can manifest as minimizing the abuse, rationalizing the abuser's behavior, or a complete inability to acknowledge the reality of the situation to protect oneself from emotional distress. This denial can be a subconscious way to maintain a sense of safety or function in a chaotic environment "

Sigh. Intellectually. I do get it. 

Denial, as the saying goes, is not just a river in Egypt.

Also. I really, really want to talk to my siblings about it. But I am worried. That it will cause harm to them. And maybe it's better if I don't talk to them about it and drag hurt up from their past, and so on and so forth. But. I do really want to talk to them about it. And explain where I am. What the shrink has said. And. This is the important bit. How it relates to them. And how they feel about it. Or whether I'm just crackers.