Dec 11

 Today was work xmas dinner. I really was trying to aim for it. As I was sleeping my post wakeup awfulness was the gentlest it has been in.. I can't even remember when. But still tired. Still off. As I slept on the typical pattern returned, nausea, groggy.. and... pretty sure I hit an apnoea roadbump which meant everything has gone sideways.

So here I am. 30 minutes before that dinner - which given I've been on a porridge only diet for the last 3 days is probably comedically stupid anyway - I am, somewhat in a stabilised state. I feel groggy and slow and shit. Nausea is very low however. I find myself unable to meet the schedules of the real world. My system is going to do what my system wants. Regardless of what time it is.

People should probably not bother with me. Is my conclusion. Of what use am I. I can't even engage with people well anymore.

Sigh.

I should have died in 2021 where I passed grazingly close. It would have been so much neater. And better. Albeit. Dying at that low point. Would have been terrible. Very far from the best way to go.

I had a dream.

Make of this what you will. I don't think you have to dig too hard.

A friend of mine came to stay at my house. And my mom was living with me.

My mom said some passive aggressive things. How I would be staying up too late with my friend there. That I had responsibilities. Was I sure I was going to be able to do all I needed to do.

Yes. Not a problem - it wasn't. I could tell that wasn't the question though. It was my mom didn't like my friend being there.

Pottering around in the kitchen with my friend, my mom repeated the conversation, this time with a little venom. And I lost my patience and just said, say what you mean, mean what you say. At which point the mask on my mom dropped and she said she didn't like my friend, didn't want them there, didn't want me interacting with them.

I turned to my friend horrified, apologised, and then frog marched my mom to another room.

And raged into her face.

Anger.

Not just for that. But for all the things in the past.

I said at least it was out in the open now. No doubts. She had declared herself. Her venom. She was a terrible person.

My mom said nothing. No apologies. No fightback. No sadness.

I Went and apologised profusely to my friend. Said that they wouldn't want to stay somewhere they weren't wanted. And that we would leave, I would come with them.

Uh huh.

Sigh.

In reality. My mom was not shy of showing you her cards. She did engage in brutal passive aggression, but, she was unphased with also just being straight up aggressive. Many times she was undeniably nasty. Not just to me. Of course. I can remember one of the worst spats was reserved for my brother. It was mothers day. My brother had come round to drop off a card and chocolates. Then they were going to the in laws. My mom saw this as a massive sleight. How dare he. How dare he put her in second place. With a "shitty card and chocolates". She ended up throwing him out of the house. I remember that distinctly. I remember the sinking feeling that I wouldn't see my brother again. I don't remember what she did with the card or chocolates. Knowing her she binned them. But I am guessing there. I do know that I didn't see my brother for a long time after that. If there is one thing my parents were masters of, it was holding a grudge. And my dad is the king of grudges. To this day he still holds grudges he picked up when he was in his late teens. And all through his life. He chews bullets about work colleagues that are 50 years in his past. How they robbed him of greatness. Of wealth.

Anyway. My mom was not shy of just outright aggression. Of burning bridges. And being unapologetic in the aftermath.

But the pattern in the dream of that sly derision and attack. She did that too.

I know what my shrink is going to say.

This is you allowing yourself to be angry at how you were treated.

Maybe. Maybe it's just a fucky dream.

My mom ended up two very different people to me. The one that dominated my life, the one she was when I was a child through to young adult was nasty, combative, argumentative, volatile. We did have a bare few moments of peace and connection between us. It wasn't all one thing or another. But those moments were very rare. And the atmosphere was always one of distance and competition. With continual spiked encounters of aggression, and even more so passive aggression. I was not asked how I was. Or well done. Or anything like that. I was treated at best like a soldier in a barracks. And at times, like a disgusting prisoner.

The time I fucked her drink up also stick out here. The venom I got from her. And my dad then piled on in. I was young. Something like 9 years old. And they told me I was worthless. Because I had fucked up making a drink for her. And I should be forced to drink it.

Both of them ganging up on me was incredibly rare fortunately. But that was one of those moments. Again I remember it distinctly. I can remember a couple of others as well.

The other person my mom was to me was at the end of her life. Not combative. Not aggressive - at least, not directly to me. She would listen. And understand.

I thought she had changed. She had not. She had changed to me. But not my sister.

And also. Right at the end of her life. When she was drifting some.

She would say things like how I shouldn't have dogs. You don't want anymore dogs. Dogs were a mistake.

I shrugged it off.

But in there, is the seed of what she could be like. Her default. Odd though. Because she also requested a few times that I specifically bring my mutts with me. And she loved them.

But not odd if I think about how I think people are structured. One is her inner mean bitch. The other is her happier side. In tension. Fighting for dominance.