Dec 15

 Mixed bag. I am still better stabilised than I was at the start of last week. Night and day. Not good. Never good. But much better. And the nausea, whilst it has very very softly rumbled about today, is behaving itself. I think this is a warning to me that I cannot take the piss with my careful regime of what I am eating et al. Perhaps a few days on and a few days off is the smart play.

As one problem tones down, others pop up to take its place. I have done my best to clamp down on anxiety about the fucky laptop and the fucky car. In the normal walk of life, these things should be no brainers. To me. They are a source of major anxiety. Because I am so variable. Because it's not guaranteed at all that I am awake at any point in time. Normal run of the mill life chores become monsters. You only need to look at the fact that I almost never cook for myself. Or do much of anything. Let alone venturing into the world to do shit. It is a mark of how much capability I have lost. So. It is another battle. I have to keep the anxiety throttled. Talk myself down. Try to be calm. I think. In the cracks. You can start to see that neurodivergent tickle causing problems. Don't like having an appointment - it wipes my day out in prep anxiety. Don't like having something sitting over my head. Trouble coping in certain situations. I think. As you become more vulnerable. Those cracks get easier to spot. Because there is less capability there to mask and hide them.

But anyway.

My sister sent me a snapshot of something yesterday. About hyper independence. Mark of trauma. And etc. We have briefly touched on it before. Now she is sending them my way in acknowledgement. We talked a little about The Family. About childhood. And in particular mom. She told me a couple of things almost in passing that I didn't know. The first. That all her friends hated our mom and thought she was pure evil. I didn't know that. The second thing. That when she died. My sister felt relieved. Like a weight had been removed. And that "she was now free". I didn't know that either. I should have known that. I knew the pieces. But. For some reason. I hadn't bothered to put them together. I know my sister had major issues with our mom. I didn't realise. That end result though. And both those things she said. Settled in my stomach. Just. More dropping of shoes. One confirmation after the next. Despite my reluctance to acknowledge it. I sat and thought about it. What it says about someone who feels relieved when someone dies and that they are now free. What does that say about that relationship. What shape do you think that relationship has with no context. Not good. Very not good. And once you know even a little context. Ho hum. 

There was something else my sister said. That when our mom was in hospital. She apologised to my sister. For what she had done to her. And said, by way of explanation. That she was jealous of her.

It is clear however. That for my sister. It. Wasn't enough to heal those wounds. Only death did that in part. A release of a grip.

Bad.

I didn't go deep into it. I know the shape my sister has formed. The coping mechanisms she has put in place to protect her from the past. To not think about it. She said she knew she was fucked up. That she still carried the scars. The absolute inability to deal with anyone getting angry. Anyone getting angry around her causes her to meltdown.

It doesn't take much imagination to wonder how that comes to be either.

Combative. Argumentative. Angry. No peace. Always on the attack. That was my mom. At best. You get lulls. Ceasefires.

Anyway.

I asked my sister if she wanted to know the things I had found out in therapy. Or not. Either was valid.

Her answer was vague. But. I think. She does not. I know that she copes like that too. Seals things shut.

I think on balance. It is probably best then it remains left as is.

But that is very heavy in and of itself. And the damage it continues to do. Doesn't then heal. It is coped with.

I knew all these things. Most of these things. I knew the shape.

But. The concrete conclusions. Finding the answers in the back of the puzzle book. Yes. No. Absolutely.

It changes it.

One domino after the other.

I cannot overstate it enough.

It changes it. From something you can maybe keep on ignoring. To something that you can't. It makes it very real. The price of knowing for certain, is very heavy.

Anyway.

Today. I have worked through the night. After sleeping much of the day. Exhausted by the day before. Andy's anxiety spiked. Suddenly worried about a client. A meeting. And his anxiety. Is handed to me as my anxiety. He is getting better with it in the run up. But. The crunch still comes. And he reverts to type. This is his own parental trauma still fucking him up 50 years on. So. Time spent. Health taken the piss with. And I have built something workable to soothe Andy's anxiety. Another milestone of AI development for me personally. It is amazing. What it can do when wrapped in code and systems and IT is nothing short of remarkable.Because I know my systems architecture forwards and backwards. It is beautiful to me. Elegant. And so I have built it all to be modular. Scaleable. Generalised. Mature. I have my own genie in a bottle. That I can deploy to any client. Any business. Embedded deep into their systems and data. Understanding what they do. And where their information lies and how to access it and interact with it. It is. Crazy. It's a different kind of programming. It's not programming at all. There is still a lot of aspects of it. You have to put all the systems around it. Craft its environment of services and stacks and databases. But once you clear the familiar architecture. It's bonkers. It's like. Having built spaceships all your life. But none of them ever had an engine. Just nice replicas. On the ground. And now. Suddenly. You're putting a warp engine in these spaceships. And they are flying.

I showed Andy what I had done. He has a meeting with a client today. It wasn't flashy. Wasn't arty. But it blew him away. Your very own genie in a bottle. Tailored to whatever you want it to be. And you can talk to it in realtime. And it knows your business. It knows your documents. Your data. It can pull them altogether. In ways. You haven't been able to. We tested it. With questions. And it answered. In spooky detail. No coding. No changes. Real time. Dynamically.

Bonkers.

Absolutely bonkers.

Perhaps all the AI services will go dark in some capitalist crash. I really can't see it though. I can't see any future now except one where AI takes over everything. Not in a terminator kind of way. But in a much more mundane holy shit, everything you've been doing until now has been in the stone age. But who knows.

I can see so many possibilities for it. When you combine it with proper architecture built around it. When you give it room to breathe. And space to remember. And surely. Clever IT people out there. Are going to end up doing some horrible things with this. Horrible. It's too powerful.

Anyway. Whatever.

Bottom line.

I am pleased with my genie in a bottle. This one is mine.