Dec 22

 Sleep. And sleep. And low level feeling shit. And sleep. And a pinch of nausea.

I have gritted my teeth and prepped a washing load and thought about what I need to do to travel for this Christmas. I really, really, really, don't want to do it. Which is absolutely no mark on any of the socialising or people involved. But is everything to do with that I don't feel well. Tired. Super low energy.

But I am forcing myself. As you do. Metal grinding on metal. Just. Do it. Unless I physically collapse. Or the car blows out. I am forcing it.

Unwise.

But then I have to do some unwise things in my life otherwise I am lost. Damned if you do. And damned if you don't.

After I loaded the washing machine I sat on the sofa for 5 minutes. Even this tires me out. It's stupid. I gave the commodore 64 sitting there a once over. Checked its back ports. Something the original didn't have. HDMI. And ethernet. And usb. And other stuffs. How very cool. I flicked through the hefty old school manual. Everything explained. Including sample programs to try. Just like the 80's. And apparently it also has wifi. Bonkers.

I know none of it should be surprising. In a box next to it I have a raspberry pi that fits in the palm of your hand that does all the c64 does and then some. Is stupendously powerful, and with its AI co pro can crunch through AI models. But still. I do find it kind of remarkable. This 8 bit 45 year old ish piece of computer history can now connect to a network through the magic of wifi. In some ways. Those two bits of kit neatly bookend the capabilities in computing. The ultra modern, ultra small, infinitely extensible, powerful for its size. And the old school. Size of a brick. Sweating to do one thousandth of what the pi does. But. They both have a similar vibe. That homebrew tinkering kind of vibe. They are both full of possibilities. The opposite to a locked down console.

Anyway.

Health.

At at background level. Part of me is concerned. I am continuing to go down the spiral. Worst it has been energy wise. And it's a routine. Not a one off. It's stuck here. My blip of activity a week and a bit ago is now the weird outlier it is revealed to be. Another part of me, as ever, just wants it over. Do we get to die yet. How long do we have to plod on for like this.

Nothing to be done about it. At least, not in this imperfect world. In a better world, maybe. In this shitty fucked up world. No. Largely I get to suffer whilst people bicker about budgets, processes, where smart people make stupid decisions, where brain dead bureacracy dictates policy. All of that very human squabbling, idiocy, incompetence, greed, laziness and tragedy plays out. And I am the one that suffers the real consequences at the tip of the spear. Whilst the whole system fumbles it and sulks and fucks up. I degrade and suffer.

It's like watching a soup kitchen frozen to inactivity whilst it argues amongst itself, insists on pointless processes, pours soup down drains because This Is Better, whilst a queue of hungry people that just want some soup are the ones that end up with the actual consequences of no soup.

Humanity isn't it.

We're so fucking dumb. It's painful. 

We flatter ourselves to thinking we are clever. We are a chimpanzee with a rifle and a bad sense of control.