Dec 24 AM

 The car behaved itself. I behaved myself. The journey went without incident, and after wobbly legs and having to stop for a sit down between packing chores, I maintained my stability.

I crashed late in the evening, but, it was no big deal by that point. Interestingly - again that weird fucky dysautonomia - after I had laid down in the "recovery position" for 45 minutes, my crash eased off.

I am grateful for the relative grace period I have received. Very. Grateful. It has allowed me to "mask up" and pretend to be borderline human. If you don't look too closely. Or spend much time with me.

This evening we talked about therapy. And childhood. And things. And a bunch of difficult stuff was dragged out. Mostly for the benefit of my sister in law who really wanted to know. But I was careful of my brother. But. He was ok. So that was a thing. I didn't intend to go there. But. It just happened that way.

I also shared at the end of it that a good part of me was deciding that I wanted no part of any of my parents money in the event of inheritance and the like. Cut me out of a will please. The reasoning goes. I do not want to justify any piece of what has gone on, behaviour, anything, by taking some grubby bit of inheritance. It is not about sending a message. Or teaching a lesson. Or making anyone feel bad. I am not posturing about it. I don't intend to stomp to my old man and dramatically tell him of my intentions. But. There is something there. About. I don't know. Some. Idiotic moral objective stance. That has no meaning apart from my own bullshit objective ideals. I am not sure whether this translates or not. But it comes down to something like not wanting to have any part in the justification of Shitty Goings On.

My brother countered pretty strongly. It doesn't matter. It's right you should get any inheritance. If nothing else. It's the smallest bit of compensation for what you have gone through.

But eh. It. Feels like a let off. Demeaning. It's like supporting a murderous regime by taking their cheque. Dramatic. But. Topical. Given the recent Saudi "comedy fest". There are different view points on it. But. I think. That kind of thing starts to lend legitimacy to something that should not have it.

And that's where a good part of me is sitting with the whole family thing.

To be clear. I am not going to do anything to upset the old man in his last days. Not even close. No confrontations. No discussions. Not even a gentle exploration. Just. Leaving it. Exactly where it is. There is zero cruelty there. Zero stirring up of angry mud. Even though the shrink says I am beyond justified and into suspiciously inert. But as I have explained. Some core part of me is, or was, or might be, a zen cow.

My brother then went onto half make my case for me rather popping his own point. And said that in the past my sister had fallen foul of this poisoned chalice. And that the parents loved to brag about doing favours for my sister. Building themselves up to be heroes. When in fact they very much weren't. But they did love the glory and attention from others. This is my parents to a tee. Stolen honour. They did it with my brother over money. And on a second offer being made, my Brother by that time had decided he had learned his lesson. And refused any kind of chalice from the parents knowing full well what it meant.

The more this stuff gets talked about.

The more it all becomes obvious and heavy. A lot of this. Has just gone uncommunicated. Or buried. From the minor to the major. It does paint a consistent picture however.

Eh well.

As I said to my brother. I dare say that in the end the old man will just set everything on fire anyway to spite everyone. In my head. That's what is going to happen. My brother agreed. He too had considered this would be the case given previous spiteful behaviour. He said the parents would often taunt my sister with it. Which I didn't know. But. Very much tracks. They did it to get a rise out of my sister. A reaction. Kick the dog. Watch it flinch. Cruel.

I think. My parents. Were too long used to that kind of behaviour. For them. It makes sense. It is cathartic. They can lash out. They feel better. The kids. Are supposed to be there to offer emotional support when they lash out. It is. At the bottom of it. Something about being seen I think. In doing such things, they were exhibiting how much pain they had endured. Their own terrible actions were a reflection of how much they had endured. They made others hurt, so that others could empathise with their own hurt. Look. This is how much that hurts ! It hurts doesn't it ! It's. Understandable. It's also. Awful. An abusive coping mechanism. 

Anyway.

Whatever.

I have just left it on the floor for the moment. Perhaps I just need some time for my idealistic moral self shard to chill out a bit. Have its moment. Its denunciation. Acknowledge the feelings. And then move on more practically. I don't know. We shall see.