Dec 25

 Christmas day was an effort. The Bullshit was crushing me. But I readied myself. Slowly. Horribly. There was a single moment there, sat on the sofa. Paused. Paused to let the ship settle. Everything is shit. Waiting to put my socks on. And a wave of emotion came up, tears in my eyes. This is too hard. This is all too hard. I can hardly fucking sit upright without crashing.

I calmed myself. Struggled on, got out the door. Into the car.

Dead.

The car had this time collapsed completely. No engine turnover at all. Battery was ok - radio came on. But the car itself was dead.

Terrific.

I called Andy, he then headed out to pick me up instead, and instead of returning to my brothers I went to wait at my sisters. 

My brain was not fully in gear. Gaps. Slow. Speech measured and filled with interruptions.

My brother in law decided to run an ODB tester over the car. By that time Andy had turned up. We checked it out. This time the car was fine - but, the ODB revealed the errors. Something had fucked up again. But gone away. Again.

I lamented I should never have left Norwich. Or rather. Just. Left the car to go in at the dealeship and if necessary got a hire car. Or something.

Christmas dinner was lovely. Andy's family were as usual aces. They come together. They care. From grandparents to grandkids. It is different to what I know.

I ate somewhat sparingly. Trying to avoid a crash. And it mostly worked. I slumped a little. But it was ok.

Played a couple of games. And by the time most people had gone home I sat and talked with Sam, Andy's other half.

Sam is an outright all round nice person. She cares. She tends on the nurturing side. She is absent any kind of cruelty - even in jest. Definitely. Only positivity. None of that jabbing bullshit.

So we ended up talking about my health. And then about therapy. And how fucked up I was. And all sorts. Didn't really intend to. But came out like that.

I probably massively over shared. But Sam is one of those people who always wants to know and listens.

It was nice.

Andy took me back to my brothers and the crash started to bite. So I just went to bed. At 8.30pm. As you do. And after a couple of hours of a real deep disappearing act. I woke up in a half out of it state.

I felt awful about sharing all my things. As I sometimes do. I feel like an idiot. I feel like I say too much. I feel like I'm weak. And stupid. And unlikeable. It is a hard rebound I get. The inner critic. Blasting me for being human. It is. Again. That shadow of my parents that has a voice in me. Scathing. 

Sam said that if there was anything I could do, let them know. We are here.

There isn't anything you can do I said.

I shared the whole no self worth thing. I was important they both said. I had worth. The fact I had been invited to christmas showed just how much I was worth. Sam said she thought I was awesome. And that it means something that I am the only person non family invited to their christmas. I wouldn't do that if I didn't like you.

I said I understood. But I couldn't feel it. It. Goes in one ear and out the other. And that I get it. I get it makes no sense. I get that in someone else I can see that clearly. But when you apply it to me. It's like the words fuzz out. Dead inside. And that I still feel that I am not worth it. I cannot rationally resolve the difference between my feeling the evident behaviour of someone. I get that it makes no logically sense. If person does A, this means they're either playing an elaborate pretence or they do like you. But. It doesn't get to that level. It doesn't resolve like that.

Perhaps this is the whole - you can't think through an emotion. The emotion is that I don't count. Logic has nothing to do with it. I feel like I am unworthy. If really pushed, interally, I just hand wave it away. People must be. Misled. Foolish. Random. Anything. But actually seeing me to have worth.

It is. I get it. Super fucked up.

This is that horrible fault line in me. Exposed directly under sunlight. No hiding. No excuses. Just dragged out on display. It doesn't suddenly go away. It's just. Very evident. Hey. That's deeply fucked up my dude.

I know.

And I can't stop it. It just is.

Sam went onto say that it was like an identity problem. No sense of self.

Very good.

Exactly right. And then I explained the whole malarkey about that aspect of me. But yeah. She had intuited the point before it was told.

Again. The fact that people can do this. From the pieces. And it just continually reinforces those points being made. Different perspectives. Different levels of professional qualifaction. And they all line up.

Anyway.

We talked a little about my dad. Sam didn't know about the whole Ares dying day. And him turning up on my doorstep. And not asking me on that day of horrible days. Was I ok. How was I doing. I am sorry. None of the things you might expect. It was about him. And I looked after him. And made sure he was ok. And then when he left. I went to pieces.

And Andy chipped in and said he had been appalled on a number of occasions. The lack of. Care. Evident when he had had to talk to my family.

I said that thread of damage was wound throughout my family. And my siblings were getting better at it. And that I held no will will. But yes. Difficult.

At the dinner today, both Sam and Andys parents were there. Sams father died some years ago. Andys mom is ill. And. In the past. There is a difficult relationship there too. But. There was care there. And warmth. And gentleness and laughter. Andys Dad asked how I was.

How are you ?

How. Are. You.

Not from my dad. From someone elses Dad.

I very much appreciate the normal I get to soak up at Andys christmas day dinners. I am like some. Starved vampire in the corner. Just. Absorbing what normal looks like. It is different.

To be fair. Back in the very distant past. My parents would put on a christmas dinner. It would have the bits you would expect. But. It was not like it is with Andys family. A house with a pretty exterior and no interior. Where the experience with Andy is all the way through. Exterior and interior.

I appreciate the opportunity to sit quietly and absorb it. I am. Absolutely not worthy of it. Of course ! But I super appreciate it. And I like seeing how their family interacts with each other.

A lovely afternoon.

But.

In the end.

The moment passes. And I am left to my realities. Of struggling with my health. Struggling not to crash. Carrying all sorts of burden of loss. And fuck ups. And it still, in the dark, on my own, is not worth it.

I think that's the sad underscore. The impartial high level objective. My story isn't meant to be happy. It's not meant to have a nice ending. Those are my dice rolls. Those are the outcomes. I get to fill a statline of a worse fate. And someone somewhere else, gets a better than expected statline for their fate. Averages. Statistics.

I think. That kind of thing is hard for people to reconcile. And maybe. It should never be reconciled. Hope should always be carried. Realities not embraced. I think people always believe in the happy narrative. The optimistic take. That such things don't happen to people you care about.

But they do.

Anyway.

Tomorrow. We shall see if the car starts. If it does. I will risk travelling back to Norwich and hope that it doesnt flatline stuck somewhere between Essex and Norfolk.

Andy has offered me to leave it down here. And he will sort it out. Lend me a car to go back home. But. I don't want to put him out.

I will try travelling home. If the car doesn't start tomorrow. I will stay a bit longer. And probably end up taking Andy up on his offer and abandoning my car down South. And go him in a few days time.