Dec 8

 Made it to therapy. Felt awful before. Kept it together to pick up milk and porridge. Ate. Didn't feel great. Played a game. Felt worse Feel absolute terrible this evening. Worst ever. Range of things. Nausea is bad.

Worse.

Can't keep this up.

There is no peace. 

Tears. Right on the edge. I can see the inevitability, the escape. I am sorry. I am so sorry. I can feel the pain it will cause. I am sorry. I am still here. Not gone. It's ok. Everything will be ok in the end. Be calm. Be zen. Endings are inevitable. Not if. But when.

Slippery. The light dwindles to a dot. Slow motion.

I am still here. Not gone. Don't panic. It's ok.

Fight another day. One more step. Not today.

I miss my babies. i miss my life. always going to be. at the end. look backwards at loss.

sleep 

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