Jan 27 PM

 Rough day today. Perhaps it was the fucky sleep. Perhaps it was the morning crash. Then the afternoon crash. Then the evening crash.

Today has been a very low ebb day where I have felt particularly ill all day. Just. The malaise dialled up high. Today is the first day in a week or so where I have struggled in the morning. But all round today was hard.

Having come off a real dip in mentalry last morning, today, perhaps unsurprisingly, the mentals have wobbled hard. I have dipped in and out of hopelessness. It is hard. When curled up in a ball feeling nauseous for the umpteeth time. To feel hopeful. I have wobbled. Hard. At times that ending it all feeling has been close and real. Not in a dramatic way. Just a practical way. Are we there yet buddy. I think we might be there. No one would blame you. And it would be a relief.

I stood in the kitchen today. Barely able to stick a small ready meal in the microwave. So fucking far down the capability slope. It's. I don't know how to explain it. Sobering. Awful. Super real. But also reality bending. Realising you are barely able to stand and watch a kettle boil. Where you can feel how ill you are. How subdued. How little energy you have. Tired. Just. The lifeforce drained out of your feet. Any thought of something beyond watching a kettle boil is hilariously out of reach.

So. There's that.

This evening I thought I might be able to play a game. There was a space there mid to late afternoon where I thought I might have stabilised. I was wrong. By the time early evening had rolled around and I had very shakily stood in the kitchen awaiting the kettle I realised that I was in serious fucked up territory. And that I was trying to push hard to sit up and play games. I had to call it off. Which I didn't want to do. That whole. I don't want to do this. I have to do this. How shit am I that I have to do this. It. Is crushing. As a one off, eh meh. As a week of a thing. Maybe you have a cold. And take care of yourself. After endless fucking years of this bullshit to one extent or another. It's a different beast. And particularly of late. Where it has bitten hard.

It is 11pm. I have come up briefly for air having been asleep most of the evening. My mood has drifted between low and hopeless in and out of sleep. 

I don't know.

Having the better mornings. Having the needle move. Has ironically fucked me up. Psychologically and physically. It has shown me a few things. Caused me to realise a few things. And it's also made the crashes so much more fucking apparent. With a needle move of hydration, the volume has been turned up in my system. And now all the warning alarms are so much louder. 

Anyway.

Whatever.

My eyes have returned to being really fucky again. Perhaps the hydration is no longer working for this. Or maybe it's just a bad day. A bad batch of sleep. A backwards step. God knows you get plenty of them with this bullshit.

I don't think people realise how hard I fight. Or what I go through everyday. Because there is no visibility on me. And when I pop up. I am burning. Burning hard to tread water and keep my head above the water. Some days its easier to do that. Some days. Its brutal.

It is difficult trying to find some stable place in the chaos. Trying to find a tiny place to stand where I can get the best shot at stability. Not be always suffering. Even if that's just locked in bed. None of it works too well anymore.

Ho hum.

Wait and see a bit more. Perhaps I stabilise out a bit better on the hydration regimen. Perhaps I just need to give my body time to learn the new normal of this state. Maybe. Maybe I'm just stirring the pot of shit, cludging up the filters, and pushing me faster and harder into the mud.

A big part of me just wants to curl into a ball. Stop talking to anyone. Push everything away. And just. Wait. And die. Don't move. Don't do anything. Let go. Stop. No dramatics. Just stop swimming against it.

Ironically, as much as work is a weight on me. It does somewhat push against that. There is that tug backwards that I need to do X. I can't leave Y. 

Anyway.

Shit.

I need to rest a lot. Sleep a lot this evening, tomorrow. I am doing my best to try and be sensible with resting. Even though I am sick of it.