Jan 28

 Very bad today. It is 2pm give or take. I have come up for air. But I can't sustain being up here. I feel ill. And very nauseous. And a headache. And fog. And punchy eyes. And on. And on. The malaise is brutal today.

All I have done today is make my way down to the bathroom and grabbed some water. That's it. And in doing so I collided with a shelf and wiped it out. Because I am not all there. Not entirely aware of where and what my body is doing.

A thought occurred to me whilst getting my water. This is not entirely dissimilar again from that flu like feeling. It feels like I have a bad flu. It comes with more fun than that. But part of it. Is that same fog and ill and nausea and bleh. And I considered, when I had flu before I wouldn't spiral out. You just get on with it. I'm ill. It's not good. Horrible. But it'll resolve. And then I realised. This isn't like having a flu once in a year. It's like having flu every week. Week in. Week out. It never gives up. Never gets better. It waxes and wanes. But is always there. Now. How does that feel to live a life like that ? Well. That sounds. Untenable.

Yes.

And that's just some of the experience, not all of it.

So, the fact it crushes me flat ? The fact that I disintegrate psychologically in front of it.

Tracks.

The fact I don't want to be here anymore.

Also tracks.

I am going back to sleep. Taken the unusual step of pain meds this afternoon. To help with the headache. And sleep. And I hope. I stabilise out. And am better this evening. Otherwise. It will be another 24 hour block passed in inactive misery. One of those blip days. 

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