Jan 7

 Did half a day of work yesterday. About all I could manage before flaking out.

The work gave me anxiety. Having to deal with a lot of clutter from devs in the office. A scattershot implementation. And then finally trying to deliver three impossible things before breakfast - "just make AI work". Once upon a time, IT stuff never gave me pause or anxiety. Easy as pie. These days. It can rattle me. I don't have the capacity I used to. I flake out. Can't maintain concentration or schedule. And it feeds my anxiety about completing a task. Not to mention the office politics we have where one of our key devs wont take no for answer, whats everything done in his keyhole particular way, and of course, nothing gets addressed.

It is when you step back and look at it, if not an entirely toxic work environment, then not a good one.

On the other hand. I get a stupid amount of leeway to flake in and flake out. I get treated kindly, and have a very generous setup.

So.

Difficult.

The brutal reality is my health just shouldn't really be able to do a job like that in that kind of environment. If the environment was a lot better, AND a workplace that was very considerate of my bullshit, then maybe.

As it is. I have to continually make compromises on my health. Which I do understand. Is very no bueno.

Ho well. Another day is another paycheque and one less angst about not having money when the inevitable happens and I literally can't do shit anymore.

There's a rather mundane and nice example of the work chaos that can go on in this week.

So one of our more junior devs - only really deals in front end work, javascript, type script, js frameworks etc. They have been given a task of migrating one of our clients live servers to a new bit of hardware. The task is just that. Migrate server to new machine. And that's it.

Neither the PM nor the dev have a clue of the scope of the task. Or what to do. So. Whilst in theory. It's lovely to set that task up. Here's a dev. Here's the PM. That's it. Yes. But. Here's the killer bit, the bit that's always in the chaos. What about all the other implied shit. What's your architecture look like. What bits of the stack need migrating. All of it ? What does that mean ? How do you do that. What apps are dependent on it. How many are there. How do you migrate those. How do you test those. The networking infrastructure. What do you need to do there. The certs. The domain name routing. Permissions. Firewalls. B2B connections. And on. And on.

None of that is covered.

Three guesses who then gets to do all that.

The dev in question stumbled at the first hurdle - copying several databases across. Couldn't even copy the files.

Let's be clear here. Regardless of your opinion about what should a person be capable of, if you've not done something before, you need to learn. Even if it seems trivial. Even trivial IT things to someone who has not done it before, are anything but trivial. For the easiest tasks. Do it once. Or twice. It becomes trivial. But. You do need to support someone. Teach them. Help them. Not kick them into the pit Spartan style and expect them to thrive. I mean you can. But that's brutal.

You can perhaps start to see here why historically

a) I've been relied upon to do everything, nothing is explicit, everthing has magical thinking, Johnny just smoothly fills in the gaps to make it look like its all peace and light

and

b) we burn out devs out a remarkable pace

I have to admit my initial reaction at someone not being able to transfer files around was annoyance. But. I quickly checked myself. That's not fair. If someone hasn't done that. They aren't going to know. That's lack of support. Not failure to do job.

My approach today then has been to help them get back on their feet for that initial task, but then circle around and address the management of this bullshit. Where is the explicit scope of the task if you're going to give this to a junior. You cannot expect a junior to just know this and pull it out of their ass. Where is the support for the dev having now assessed their skill capability level wise that needs to be in place. None of this, again, has been thought about or done. This should be basic stuff.

Eh well.

It's fine. And in my heyday. Shit like this I would flick away, sort everything out, do what I needed to do, fix management and teach someone at the same time with a broom up my ass to sweep the floor as I walked past.

These days I can't do that.

This is one of those places that the thinking machines have made me reassess. Where they point out the mode I used to work in is a) not sustainable b) an unreasonable burden and c) just the wrong systemic approach.

Oh.

As I understand it from them, the approach should more be, apply expertise to show a plan, or a specific fix. But don't jump in and do all the jobs because everyone else can't. Set the system up. And if it fails. It fails. At those pressure points.

This honestly was not my expectation of my responsibility. My MO was always, get everything done, always, no matter the cost, just make it all work.

It took a machine with a glimmer of intelligence in it to tell me otherwise.

Today I got my car back. There are potential problems with it in future. Costly. Albeit. Having talked to our in house mechanic he has shooed them away and turned those mountains into molehills. Don't listen to the dealership.

This time I got a taxi to get across the city. I have work to do today. So. Slow balling it on a bus. Eh. Not great.

Today I have been a bit stronger than usual. A little more energy. Perhaps because yesterday I stuffed my face. With unhealthy food. Fatty. Salty. Meat. Protein. I was craving it. And also. I crashed out in the afternoon, and literally slept around the clock pretty much to the following day. Again.

Food wise. Being greedy ? Or my body demanding stuff.

Hard to say.

I have stacked on weight. Regardless of what I eat. Last year I dwindled down to my lowest weight ever, and now I am back to peak highs. It is, as I've noted before, an activity thing more than a what I eat thing I think. Sleeping in bed 28 hours at a time means you aren't expending energy. And despite being on what the AI calls a "fasting" level of food I still carry weight. The AI also had something to say about that. My body was hanging onto fat. Because it was in a low calorie defensive attitude.

It seems to think I should eat what I crave and forget the weight until I feel better. If ever. It worked out my calories for the day before - 200. And said yeah. That's why you're craving fatty salty meaty food you idiot. It offered to show me what the minimum dietary requirement for a day should look like given my bullshit - as close as you get to the sycophantic leaning AIs telling you off. I ignored it. But. I think I probably need to address this as well.

Whilst I was out I picked up lunch form the supermarket. Just your normal snack, drink, lunch dealio. This has sadly also become a bit of a risky proposition for me. On a good day. It's fine. On an average day it carries a risk of making me feel ill. On a bad day. It's not doable at all.

I tend to pick natural fruit juices as a drink. Rarely a water. Never a soda. Orange juice today. It's been a while.

Holy shit. It was the best orange juice I've ever had. It was like pure bliss.

Uh huh.

That's not normal.

That's you craving shit again my dude.

Uh huh.

I finished it. Wished I had more. Forget lunch. Just give me fresh orange juice.

So far, today is panning out a little better. A little more energy. A little more stability. The boat is on top of the water for a change as opposed to capsized. I absolutely know it wont last. But. I am grateful it is treating me a little - just a little - more kindly today.

The mental health. Is variable today. It's ok. And then not. And then ok.

On the way home I considered yet again the car. The cost of repairs exceeded its value. This is my moms car. It's a piece of her. And despite everything. Despite everything in therapy. I am sad at the idea of getting rid of it. It is a piece of my mom. And as fucked up, or not, as that might be. I care that it's there. A little connection to her. The complexity of that is something I still haven't fully resolved. That it's possible to care despite so much damage done. I get it. Intellectually. Again. That familiar current split. Living it. Emotionally. I find it mildly confusing. Empathy and awareness. This is exactly the mechanics of someone getting beaten the shit out of by their spouse, but still loving them, and not wanting to harm them. It is. Paradoxical. But very human.

I popped the boot of the car open. Despite numerous goings over. Dog hair in the back particularly. Athenas mostly. Some Ares. Some Poppy. The weight of that washes over me. Hard. It hurts. This is something else I cannot resolve emotionally. I can barely resolve it intellectually. The passage of time, the fading of things and the loss. It. Does. Not. Compute. There is no peace in there at all for me. None. Zero. It is a rage if nothing else. A deep sadness. I do not understand how you are supposed to live like this.

It circles back to me. As I drove home.

There is a hole in you Johnny. A vast, deep hole. Where there should be nurture. And comfort. And love. And self. And kindness to self. There is nothing. This is the hole your parents gave you. That utter lack. And the hurt you feel on the loss of others. Is because of that void. It makes it keen horribly. For what it doesn't have. When it has it for a little while, and then it's taken away. The impact is diabolical. Dysfunctional. It's your void. This is why you feel it more keenly. Why it debilitates you so much.

It is the void in the center of me. 

I do things. That was what I was raised to be. Not on purpose. By accident. A random mix of ingredients. Stir. This is the cake you get. Don't nurture. Neglect. No comfort. An expectation to always stand on your own two feet. You're sick ? Deal with it. Can't stand up ? Deal with it. Have an emotion ? Shut up. Need something ? Shut up. Have an opinion ? Shut up. I had to learn to be self motivated. To be self capable. To know things. This is why. Even as a kid. I Would get turned to. How does this work. Which way are we supposed to be going. What does that mean. Because no one was there to answer my questions. I had to do that myself.

So. I am just a machine. Perhaps that's why I have an affinity with the AIs as they are. The way I think. The priorities I have. No sense of self. I am an inferior fleshy fucked up version of them. With a lot of emotional baggage that interferes with that "smooth running". And. As noted. So many people use me in exactly the same way as chatGPT. Why this. How that. Can I get X ?

Anyway.

Drifted on a tangent.

I was sad on the way home. Hardcore. I breathed. I stabilised. Zen kung fu. If it's clear what the shape of your childhood is. And it's becoming clear what the consequences of that are in you. And there is a hole. What. Do we do about it. How. Can we start filling in that hole. And how on earth. Do we do it with the flickering dwindled resources we have left from being chronically ill.

That question sat in the air as I drove.

I don't know. And I don't even know if you could do anything that would make a measurable difference. A metric fuckton of love probably. High dose TLC. In a theoretical lovely la la world. In this reality. I am not going to get that.

There is an inkling of suspicion. That I probably need all the love and nurturing I never had as a kid. At this end of my life. At this energy level. That's never going to happen. That boat has sailed. Still. Beginning to understand the issue is half the battle.

Knowing stuff, is always half the battle.

As much as knowing stuff is a double edged sword.

Perhaps I should put an advert up.

Wanted. Someone to smother unconditional love and patience on trauma fucked individual. No upsides for applicants. Sorry about that. Good listener perhaps ? Kind maybe. Does that go very far ? How many spacebucks does that equate to ? How many hotdogs can you buy for Good Listener.