Feb 1

Today. Is worse.

Long pause. Staring at the cursor. The weight of that statement is terrible. It could so easily be a different statement. One which I have half planned out. By the time you read this... But not today.

Today my anxiety has spiked. And. Something has shifted. I can feel it. It has started to move into permanent territory. If it isn't already.

Today I woke up with a not unusual set of problems. Extremities buzzing. Cold. Bad pains all over. Fucky eyes. Nausea. And of course at the moment. Right side hearing fucked. Balance is off.

I suppose I should be thankful that I am still not waking up to also feeling like I am poisoned and drained to my boots.

Nevertheless.

The wake. Is brutal. Sliding into a system full of red alerts and failed states.

The heating is still fucked. The house is still fucked. I am suffering and incapable.

A million little anxiety wasps glided around my head. You haven't tidied up. You can't cope with the small stuff. Let alone the big stuff. You feel worse today. You feel long term worse today. What if Hazel hadn't have been around ? What happens longer term anyway ? None of this is worth it. You're not enjoying it. 

I slid into suicidal thoughts.

You could just do it. But then. Hazel would find you. That would not be nice for her. You need to send her home. Send her home. Tell her you are ok. She will know you are not. But send her home. With care. And thankfulness. Then come home. And finish it. My mind started running through the exact details. What the aftermath looks like. What the consequences would be. What the sum of my life would then look like.

I snapped out of it. Stop. Daydreaming. About it. If you're going to daydream. Daydream about something else.

I Imagined I was going to go on holiday. What would I pack. Only five t shirts. I would wash the rest. None of it was logical. Or real. It was just. Literally. A shopping list to go through. Something for my brain to sort through that wasn't death and disaster.

A weight sits in my stomach. It's not going away. I know this weight. Intimately. It turns up in this form at my worst moments. It is the weight that can sit with me for months. It is one of the signals of the long term flip.

I am hoping. It just goes away at some point today.

Perhaps. I just need to ride out a cortisol spike.

I tried reassuring myself.

It's ok. It's ok to live in a failed house. It's ok that its falling down. That you can't tidy. That you can't do anything. That's ok.

But still.

It is too much.

I can feel it has seeped into my bones.

Even with Hazel here. I am in trouble.

It's ok. It's just how these things pan out.

It is my birthday tomorrow. It has been on my mind a lot whether I make it to that point. Or whether this birthday is my last.

My sister has sent a card. I opened it. To the most amazing brother in the world.

I teared up. I am not the most amazing brother in the world. Very far from it.

But thank you.

I think. My hearing going out. Is really making a shitty difference at the moment. It's the final straw, the insult on top of many insults.

If. I can manage it. I suppose. I will go to the GPs tomorrow. And have them do not a lot. I guess they can check if its just shitty wax, or something minor.

Wednesday. I have booked an appointment with my ear guy. In case it is just a clogged ear that has had unfortunate timing with a long crawl migraine.

Covered all bases.

But. Illusions of competency.

I am just about unravelled.

One heart beat away from throwing it all in.

Breathe.