Feb 11

 The physiological anxiety switch has turned off. It no longer feels like someone is about to murder me. A little quiet has crept into the space that it occupied.

The nausea has been largely behaving itself, the dizzy balance and hearing is behaving itself, so two big anxiety inducers gone. And the malaise has mostly been behaving itself - within acceptable operating boundaries at least.

Sunday end of the weekend, my head inflated again after having a better day on Saturday. I think this is a combination of the mental meds and the sky high blood pressure. It meant that I was unable to do shit on Sunday except sit and nurse myself. Which. To be honest. Is really my only goal for most days - just sit, and do my best with the bullshit. It did mean I was unable to attempt a little tidying ready for the heating engineer on Monday. I figured, as the hydration routine was now giving me some capability in mornings, that I would do the previously impossible thing of scheduling in some tidying up very early in the morning.

Monday early. I attempted this. I woke up feeling not terrible. This is very new for me. Mornings that aren't a screaming horror. However. Whilst it seems I have made a little progress on general wellbeing, the CFS and all that bullshit is still very much a thing. I picked up the vacuum cleaner. Emptied it. Crashed. Ok. I rested. Then I timed myself. I managed four minutes. Four minutes of vacuuming before I was absolutely wiped. I crashed out. And rested. But was pushing hard. So after 15 minutes down. I picked up the vacuum and went again. Another four minutes. Crash. I proceeded to limp through an hour and a half of this. 4 minutes up. 15 or so down. I reflected that it was utterly pathetic. And it was hard. It was pure gritted teeth grim spite fuelled exertion. This isn't a can't be bothered thing. This is a I can't do what I need to get done thing. There is a certain level of rage and disgust that lurks beneath it if I let it loose. But. I know better than that. There is at least a modicum of acceptance in me about the situation. But still. It isn't a can't be bothered thing. A lazy thing. It's a frustration thing.

The house is passably ok. I did indeed keep up with my bedroom cleaning of, just do one thing per day when you can. And slowly. The bedroom has improved. Most of the vacuuming was done. And the other rooms in the house being largely uninhabited, tend to stay in a decent state. Passably ok. Ish. Kind of.

Heating engineer was a lovely guy. Had a look over the fucky heating which in the meantime had decided to sometimes work and sometimes not, and declared the valve was struggling. This is what I expected. We talked about it and I floated the idea again of just replacing the whole heating system. Again I got a warning about not getting a heat pump. I haven't met a heating guy yet that has said they are a good thing.

In the end, I've elected to get the whole system replaced. Had a fitter come out yesterday to do a proper survey - looks good. And both engineers were in awe of my existing boiler. A museum piece. At least 35 years old.

Both guys were lovely, supportive, and knew their shit. This makes a big difference to me these days. Once upon a time I didn't give a shit. But it's a capability thing. As I have become more vulnerable, you start to appreciate kindness in people. It makes things. Easier.

They have a lot of work on. But hopefully soon, I'll get my heating completely overhauled, and I wont have to worry about that again for the forseeable future.

Monday was therapy day. And after the close call of last week I was feeling a lot better. The shrink however. Was not. As always I asked how the shrink was. And as ever the carefully curated, I'm ok thanks came back. But. It was not ok. My hyper vigilant antennae set off. Hmmm. I paused and processed.

The shrink is careful to screen everything about them. No leaks. Neutral. But they are human. And they are stuck in a close quarters room with me, a hyper vigilant intellectual monster. The worst kind of person to be stuck in a room with when you're trying to not give anything away.

The shrink noted the pause. What was that said the shrink.

Hmm I said. I am. Checking my antennae. You are careful, behind your boundaries. But. I am just checking my senses.

What are you sensing said the shrink.

Tricky I said. Because there is little information. I was careful about how I phrased it. But. I can see. Something in this week. Life. Is not peachy keen for you.

And how does that make you feel said the shrink. Are you concerned that I won't be able to be present here with you.

No. Not at all. You are. Mindful. And caring. And. Professional - even though that's not the driver... I trailed off. I was starting to break them down character wise, and that's not where I wanted to go. No I said. I have no concerns.

The shrink went over it again. About how they were present. And available. And had made the decision to be here. And if they thought they weren't they wouldn't have turned up.

I totally agreed. They were a little. Defensive. But not in a mean way at all. It wasn't a prickly defence. It was a ... professional.. nose to the grindstone... kind of statement. Weary. Even. Behind the even tone.

We covered a little again about how I was fine tuned to pick up on people not having a good time. The childhood training. I called it a flaw. Or a strength. Or both.

And then the shrink said. It was a gift. I was gifted that I could do that. Pick up on people, even when they were trying their hardest to hide it.

Sure. I can see that.

The shrink hadn't confirmed anything. And yet. They absolutely did. They weren't having a good time. And I had nailed their mood.

The truth is that it did affect me a little. I felt sad for the shrink. The way they framed it sounded very lonely. I get that. My instincts and everything were making me lean into a person in need. And that person was erecting a boundary. Isolating. And I could see it. And that sets off a cascade of little triggers in me. Sad.

We ended up talking about how my week had gone. The shrink wanted to know how I had got my stability back. I ticked off the physical pressures lifting - the ones out of my control, firmly in the domain of just general health. And then the strong mental discipline I had enforced to stay in the moment, chase no existential dragons, pursue no sadnesses, and push everything that could be put off to another day. Hardcore living in the moment. And then just white knuckling the physiological train wreck and waiting for it to decide to stop panicking.

We talked a little about the response from the NHS. Their failings. The shrink noted that again, the same pattern, where in my life I had to be the fixer. I had to solve things myself. Figure out what was wrong with me. Take action. I couldn't rely on anyone else to do that. And that there was little doubt I was more knowledgable than the GPs about my condition. About what to do and what not to do. But. Same pattern. Isolating. Responsible. Burdened. Always having to achieve.

We also talked a little about Hazel. About the difficulties of dealing with borderline personality disorder. The shrink wanted to know if it was a positive or negative that Hazel had stayed with me. Yes. I said. Both. I am very grateful to the help Hazel gives. But by the same token. She is not kind. Not compassionate. And you must navigate her triggers. Her moods. Everything. The borderline is no joke.

We talked a little about the fallout from dealing with the constant anger. About how it had impacted everyone around her - the disastrous falling out with her family, friends et al. About how I had learned a lot of patience from Hazel. To not rise to anger. To instead de-escalate. Not step up. And once you start doing that. You start to see how stupid anger generally is. You don't have to reciprocate.

The shrink wanted to know what I did in the face of the anger. Be zen I said. Just let it pass over you. You can see it. But. It's not affecting you. You are not reacting to it. Just observation. You get a sense of sadness that someone is in that position where they need to do that.

What happens if you react to the anger and pushback - not unreasonably. If you try to enforce some boundaries.

Double down. Escalation. All the way up to complete meltdown. You cannot escalate with a borderline. It feeds on anger and conflict.

I smiled and said I probably knew a great deal about how to deal with borderline at this point having been through it at close proximity for 10 years.

I have no doubt that you have also become an expert at that said the shrink. And it's the same pattern. You are having to adapt. Fix. Be responsible. The cost is on you.

Sure I said.

But. That's my experience of life. Life is that.

Yes said the shrink. I can see that's your life.

The statement implied that life wasn't meant to be like that. That not everyone had that. It was a me thing.

I explained what I had tried to do with Hazel. Give her stability - important for borderline trust. And give her endless positive models of behaviour. People being nice. Nice things happening. No arguments. No fights. And always being kind and patient with her. I am not perfect. But doing my best. And maybe. Maybe. In the long run...

You fix it said the shrink.

Mmm. It's. An experiment. But not really. I am not treating her like a lab rat. I am just. Trying something. But. My conclusion is. There is no fixing it.

It's mitigation.

Yeah. It's more about dealing with it. And rounding off the hard edges. I think that's all you can do in the end. I don't think you cure it. At least. That's my years long experience so far.

The shrink then very tentatively pondered if the relationship was worth it. The shrink wasn't that harsh about it. They were very mindful. Very subtle. They appreciated that I got things out of the relationship. But their angle was. The price I paid for it was very high. A lot of burden and responsibility. A lot of emotional and cognitive work. The implication being. It was damaging to me. In other words. Is the juice worth the squeeze. And the shrinks thinking subtly implied was clear. It isn't. You are taking on too much. But it was the lightest of touches of suggestion. No demands or reprimands.

We kinda left it there.

My mind returned to feeling sorry for the shrink. Rolled up to work. Having had some kind of shit week. And shit enough that it intruded into their work day. So. I said.

I hope your week is full of joyful things, and you can find happiness within it.

It was my bad on the spot attempt to give them good vibes. To say. Without overstepping. I am sorry you are not happy. I wish there was something I could do. I know I cannot talk to you about it. I am going to hope instead that you can find some happiness somewhere.

What a nice thing to say the shrink said.

Elsewise this week. I saw the NHS mental health nurse. We didn't have much constructive to say. We spent most of the time talking about dogs instead. She has 3 german shepherds. We did touch on how I was doing. Mindful things. Again. Same message, different person. She said there was little she could say that I wouldn't already know. I clearly understood what to do, what was happening. And was adept at listening to myself. Uh huh. This is the same tune as the shrink. I do know what I am about. Living it however. Eh. Knowing things does not mean everything is suddenly tickety boo. 

She wanted to know if I wanted to book another appointment. I was loathe to waste her time. You are a limited resource. I am ok. I don't want to waste your time. I was not wasting her time apparently. She asked if I wanted to book something in a months time instead then. No. I think I'm good. If you need to she said, phone up, and we can book something. I am just aware that you're ok now. But you might not be in a week. Sure I said. It was a fine line. And she wasn't wrong. At all. But. For the moment. I'm ok. And. I will call if need be.

Today I saw the GP. We talked a little about blood pressure - monitor it. Report the findings to the GP. If it stays high. Revisit. I talked about my salt hydration experiment. And. The Doc was very open to my findings. They acknowledged they didn't know shit about CFS - there is too much to know they said - and that I was almost certainly more well informed about my condition than they were and that they welcomed any findings I had about it. But that they could support me with doing things like checking blood pressure and kidney functions and advising when something looked bad.

It was a productive and useful chat. Some clear lines have been set. The GP is not going to particularly be able to help me tackle CFS. They can support with some baseline tests. And understand what I'm doing. And be supportive of that in general. So. We shall see how we do for the next few weeks. I even mentioned about the whole of my symptoms pointing towards an autonomic set of issues.

Work this week. Andy is both supportive and pressuring. He wants the work I'm doing finished, so one of our clients stops hassling him. The problem is at least half of his own making. Six months billed for a project that was literally just ignored for 3 of those months, then given to me, where I get to work on it at best 2 days a week. Meaning. There is a huge shortfall of labour in there. Not to mention I am flakey anyway. And its a horribly understood job, no spec, no understanding of what the operating requirements are etc. A pigs ear. Not entirely uncommon.

I have said I will have something workable by this month. But this week I have flaked out again workwise. Tired. I think the running around of appointments and people and tidying have sorely tested my CFS. I am doing... pretty good with it... but... it's pretty good within your very lowered operating considerations.

Also. I think. I am slowly. Beginning to prioritise my health over work. I am more liable these days to push work back into the background. And focus on just trying to be well in a given day. Even when maybe I have a sliver of capability. I don't immediately burn it on work if I think it's going to knock me out. I am for once starting to not worry about whether that's good workwise. And starting to think about whether it's good health wise. And it that leads to an untenable work situation. Then. That's just reality knocking. And I will deal with that in due course.

I'll see if my brain is in gear for some work tomorrow - my day off. But I am not going to kill myself about it.