Feb 18

 Struggling health wise. Perhaps I have been overdoing it with my extra hours. Or perhaps this is just bottoming out. Or perhaps its part of finding a new normal. Whatever it is. The flu like malaise comes and goes. Head spaces out. Lost my hearing again - this time on the left side. It has returned after a day. And the twitches are massively up. I don't often talk about the twitches. Typically worse when I am resting or dozing off. Sudden jerking muscle spasms. Which. I absolutely cannot recreate consciously. Not even close. They are unnaturally "violent". Ho hum. Neuro, nerve type issues probably given their unnatural amplitude. Rats gnawing on the wiring.

Mood has slumped hardcore. Work is giving me massive anxiety. The physiological switch has come back on. It sits in the pit of my stomach. Andy has been low key pressuring to get a job done. This week for the 100th time yet another issue popped up with it because of the non existent spec, non existent understanding. This is, in the past, not uncommon. Just. Throw shit at a wall. Assume Johnny will just solve everything, coding, the people, the problem, how to think, the spec, everything. Don't think I can do that anymore. Particularly not at the moment. So it fills me with dread instead.

As a friend pointed out. If this task was given to any other dev. You'd be complaining that it wasn't good enough. Absolutely. I would kick the table over and say it was a complete mess, try again. But as it's me. I just suck it up.

Life blows.

I am just hunkering down. Avoiding work when I can't do it. Waiting for it to pass. If it does.

Life lived defensively as ever.

 

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