Feb 7

 Today is the first day my head hasn't felt like being in a diving bell at 10 atmospheres of pressure. I am guessing this means the blood pressure has come down a notch. Having just checked. Wrong. Blood pressure is worse today. 155/104. Yikers. Oddly today I have had no hydration salts however. So. Uh huh. Thinking about it, it's probably something to do with the huge amount of pain I've got going on. Such things tend to bump bp dramatically. I just do a ... reasonably good number... in dealing with it.

Today has also been a busy day. Busy for me anyway. I dragged myself out to turn up at Matt's memorial - which I didn't think I'd make. The universe was set against me. I slept late in my dozey CFS state, my fault. But then couldn't find my wallet. Losing things like this is a killer sentence for me - I very quickly burn out of energy looking for something and then have to take a long break. If I need to be anywhere, it's basically game over.

On the edge of having to stop, legs shaking, everything in the red, found my wallet. Took a breath. Jumped in the shower. And off I went. Already feeling like I was burned. And ran straight into football traffic. It took me an hour to edge my way across the city, cursing the idiot football goers who bring their cars into the city every match day like there wont be an hour and a half of traffic to get out again. I don't know why they do it.

I got there in the end towards the end of afternoon. Said some hellos to a bunch of board gaming people. As ever friendly, very glad to see me. I got to talk to Matt's mom for a good half hour. A lovely lady. I did my very best social grace and wisdom, listener, polite, positive, happy. This is the best side of me that a bunch of people see. The capable, confident, friendly, inspirational socially adept me. This also isn't me. But. We won't get into that can of worms.

I shared some stories about Matt and how long I had known him. Filled in some blanks for his mom. Made it very clear how well thought of her son was. What a difference he made. Always friendly. Always patient and welcoming. She teared up at one point, I think it meant a lot to her.

I nearly ended up with a new mom at the end of it. She started asking me questions. What did I do. What was going on with my health. Who was looking after me. She wanted to look after me. Would it offend you if I asked can I look after you. I gently and politely declined but thanked her for the care. As much as I could do with someone looking after me. If nothing else. I am loathe to ensnare someone else in my bullshit.

I went home at the end of the afternoon, wobbly, pains rising. But. I figured. I had done my best. I try when I can to do the right thing. To make a difference. I am far from perfect. I cannot do shit these days. I am worn out, burned out, fucked up. In so many ways. And today was hard to do. But. I did my best. I think I made a tiny difference. And that. Is a good thing.

Collapsed when I got in, gasping with pain. The muscle pains are really bad at the moment - the ever shifting sands of bullshit symptom rotation have worked their way around to this seemingly. But. I didn't crash out. Had something small to eat. And sat up to play games. And didn't crash. Remarkable.

How the afternoon played out and the conversations I had, and the loss of Matt have been turning over in my head all evening. Just gently. In the background. How unfair life is. How in so many ways Matt deserved to live. And I don't. We should have been switched around outcome wise. He was enjoying himself. I am not. And yet. Here I am. And Matt is gone.

The family gave away all his games today. For anyone attending to pick up and take. A memento of Matt. It was a nice gesture. But also for me sad. Someones efforts and joy. Their collection slowly built up. Dispersed to the four winds. An erasure of their life. I cannot help but see the evaporation of someone after they die. It is for me, a terrible thing.

But anyway.

The anxiety has been dialled low today. I was anxious about being well enough to get there for today. I wasn't even sure I was going to do it. But otherwise. Anxiety low.

I have made a tentative arrangement to go have a cup of tea in the afternoon every other week or so with one of the board gaming guys. He's a good guy. I've spent time with him before. Lovely person. I think. It would probably do me good just to spend a little non burny time with someone that isn't difficult to deal with.

We shall see.

Today, I did my best. Did a good thing. Not a complete waste of space today.