Mar 21

 Struggling to shift gears. I used to have this. Before I got ill. When I would burn hard on something. Those unusual occasions where all the processors whir up, all the lights flick on, and we hit a stupid high flow state.

Coming down from those. Was always. Tricky. Me being me. I knew what was going on - the self diagnosing analytical processor is always watching internal metrics - but again the living of it is... interesting. In the end I compressed it down into an easy real world analogy. It's like a fly wheel. It spins up. You remove the engine powering it. But that doesn't mean it stops. It keeps going.

Inertia. The natural tendency of an object to resist changes in its state of motion.

This. Turns out to be not just a physics thing. But a mental and physiological thing too.

But I haven't been at that level for many years now.

Until recently. When I've burned again. Bad. Bad all round. But here we are.

I have done my best with it the last 48 hours. Purposefully disconnected "the phone". Gone on black out. Unload.

And it hasn't moved the needle. In the absence of anything else my brain has cooked onto any number of other things to rapidly crunch through. At times. Even playing a game. High performance. Twitch. Go. Go. Go go go go.

Uh huh. Ok. Calm. You're wired. Calm.

Tricky.

It's like a form of mania. It isn't mania to be very clear.

So. I am struggling a little with it. It's. Not super pleasant. In the great arc of things it is unbelievably trivial. It doesn't even get into the top 100 of Actual Shit To Deal With. But. It's still a thing. At its base level, it is like some form of anxiety. A buzzing. A restlessness. The brain hungers for more things to solve, do, finish. And instead. Flicks between things. Can be a little too wired and "off center" when communicating with other people. And gnaws on its own tail in between roaming around "looking for problems".

The upshot of this. Is it starts impacting everything else. Sleep. Well being. Stability. The engine is running hot.

Today I have kind of given up. And let my brain run off and start planning business feasibility, tech stacks, architectures, random tangents - peoples understanding axes are like quantum wave form collapse (?!). And I can see. If I had energy. And motivation. Oh. The things you could do.

In this hyper mood. Sigh. I am off to talk to Andy. To give him a mix of good and bad news. Good news. I have many ideas and plans. Bad news. I'm sick of the work situation and am again just strongly thinking of ditching it all.

I'm too hyper for this.

This is a mistake.

But.

I am giving my brain a run around the field off leash. Like a dog with too much energy.

Sigh. 

On the other hand. Hey look at me getting manic energy as a CFS dweller.

I blame the hydration salts for giving me a *little* extra margin here and there. Which. Of course. I immediately gobble up like a hungry hippo. And take the piss. Rather than be sensible about it.

Excellent work.

Thank you Johnny.

No. Thank you Johnny.

Hyper.