Mar 22

 Sleep is all kinds of messed up. I can feel myself getting more "CFS-y" with each passing day. Still got my head above water just about. But. Trajectory is not good. My stomach is an absolute disaster. But eh. At least I'm not feeling nauseous with it. I am still suffering from "post work burn syndrome" so, maybe it evens out if and when I get over that. Maybe. As ever. The weird tides and storms of my bullshit are not subject to much in the way of logic or pattern.

I spoke to Andy yesterday. Conveyed my deep dissatisfaction with having to do 8 jobs at once to get anything done and was sick of it. Sick of the work. Sick of the processes. Sick of all of it. And this was the worst ever example of it the Usual Dysfunction. But on the positive end of the scale I floated the obvious huge market opportunities for utilising my newly forged AI stack.

He apologised multiple times. But. Talking about it. It's clear. He doesn't get it. At all. He understands it's not good. But is utterly blind to why. Or how. And how that should work. Instead. It's framed for him as "just what you do". A necessary pain. Completely divorced from the fact that it is in fact a symptom of terrible planning, and in some aspects, dishonest processes trying to cover cracks and juggle demands that shouldn't be there or were lied about.

I can see. This is just not going to change. At the very least. The change will be to maybe, sometimes, push tasks off onto other people - good. But there is zero concept of planning up front. Of just, not getting into that situation in the first place. Not rocket science. Just. Simple processes. Honesty about where you are, and how much it takes. Understanding the scale difference between something a small IT consultancy should be tackling, and what a corp should be tackling - and sure, we tend to absolutely do the latter because have the skills for it... if not the resource. Which is part of the problem. The solution cannot be - well, Johnny just does 8 jobs at once, and compensates for all the shit we dont do or fuck up.

Yeah.

No.

Some basic - very basic, stupid basic examples of this. Is that. Just making sure your environment is sound. Up to date. Healthy. Before tackling a major piece of work. I was left in a place where I was not only doing everything else, but doing shit like - why is this server 14 years out of fucking date and currently out of support ? Why is this database full up, with no capacity and just needs some basic maintenance and house keeping done on it ? Why are these systems not stable - and causing more problems.

I had to fix any number of "mundane" issues. The equivalent of sweeping the floor, fixing a hole in the roof, making sure the lights were on. Before I could actually make more progress on what I should have been doing.

And the attitude ? Is just. Yeah. I'm sorry you had to do that.

But here's the enormous implication.

Sorry you had to do that.

But it will happen again.

Ultimately Andys frame is - yeah, but, it still needs to be done, because we have a client, and I promised. And therefore pain. Sorry. 

And NOT.

Oh ok. I should have a) made sure the floors were swept b) made a plan for this c) scoped out the schedule correctly, d) then operated in a sane workspace, rather than just throwing everything in the air in a dilapidated shed, and hoping that some superstar comes along and fixes the many many many fuck ups.

So.

I am reflecting.

I have told Andy I'm not working next week.

It's up for debate if I come back at all.

I almost certainly will in the current frame of mind I'm in. But. It's not quite as clear cut as that. And even under that frame of mind. It's more about me just... treading water until the next crisis. And then I will bail. For sure.

But I am not entirely sure. Perhaps. Now is the time to ditch it.

Andy doesn't get it. Is not going to change. Whether he realises it or not, he made that point very plain, even though, I am pretty sure, he thought it all made sense. It did not. It just exposed how very disconnected he is from what a "good plan" looks like. It is not telling the client something, then lying about progress, and sweating to make sure it comes through on a bunch of other tasks and systems that have been similarly half assed or are broken.

And we wont even get into the issues with managing employees like this. Avoidant. Personality. Running away from issues. And then giving the issue to someone else.

I did tell him. He was doing the same thing to a couple of other members of staff. And they too, were feeling the pressure. It is what he does.

He is a good guy.

But he is also a chaos gremlin. Who push comes to shove. Will push rationality and care out of the window. In favour of white knuckle anxiety fuelled chaos gremlining.

This is not meant as a mean statement. But in some ways. This is just the old wound. That Andy doesn't have what it takes for some fundamental aspects of our work. A liability. Not an asset. Of course. Almost everyone is like that - you learn to use peoples strengths, and position them away from where their weaknesses are. Part of the challenge of assembling teams and management. But eh.

Give me a suitcase of cash.

And I wouldn't even think about staying.