Mar 28

 Went to see my friend - ended up staying for a bit of dinner. And did some groceries before hand. Both of these things were rough however. I had to drag myself out to see my friend. Not a case of good to go. But absolutely a case of gritted teeth. Going despite feeling like shit.

The groceries were similar. I got maybe 75% of what I needed. Cut it short. I did not feel good.

But dinner with my friend was good. Despite dipping hard. Eating a little something picked me up. Came home. Crashed out asleep.

Perhaps. It shouldn't be a surprise. The day following that - yesterday. Was diabolical. The price perhaps of pushing when I was already in a bad state. I tried. Hydrating. A little food. Some rest. None of it made a difference. Yesterday was brutal. And I slept long. I finally surfaced into a shit state of being as midnight ticked over. And slowly. Warmed up.

Yesterday was peak CFS bullshit. No matter what I did. How much I slept. I felt ill. And exhausted. Terrible. There is perhaps one useful thing out of this. That the hydration salts only do so much. They tweak the edges. They allow me some stability sometimes when the wind is blowing right. But what they are not - obviously - is some miracle fix. Nor anything close to a cure. Or any shit like that. Not that they were going to be. But. It is I suppose good to know.

Today. I have slept short. So far. Awful. Not as bad as yesterday. But rough. Exhausted. Another low slow migraine.

I feel absolutely incapable of anything.

Grim.

Today I had an opportunity to meet up with an old friend. But given how I was the day before, and the fact he was over an hour away. I figured. Probabilities. Highly unlikely I would manage. As it turned out today. I was correct. And I think. Even if I had been capable. And pushed. I would have been punished hard again.

My body is talking to me. It's telling me no. And like that bit of advice chatGPT gave me. If you're in a place where you are debating whether you can, where you are bargaining with yourself. Don't. You already know the answer. It's no. On the days you don't even think about it. That's a yes.

Slowly. Today. I am stabilising. It is. Uneven. I am not sure it keeps going in the right direction. I need to somehow, magically, figure out if there is anything I can do to help it. Rest. Not push it. Spend another day mostly in oblivion. With a little window of gaming at the very end of the day. 

Sigh.

Survival.

Not living. 

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