Apr 5

 Cold is very slowly petering out. Very. Slowly.

My mood however is tanking. I had that quiet phase a few weeks back. Before I had to shift into manic work burn. And then burn crash. And then cold burn crash. And here I am, I think, coming out of the burn and burn recover and cold and finding myself back to...

quiet.

But. It's edgier this time. It's the quiet of despair. I think. It's a combination of things. But you can probably headline summarise over simplistically as just not enjoying life. "Enjoying". Not. Involved. Nothing. And having a fairly miserable time whilst doing nothing. It is the language of just "keep going", without any joy. Or aim. That itself. Runs out of gas eventually.

So. That's where I am. Without going to deep into the weeds as to why. The weeds are miles deep. Carefully reasoned. And checked. And triple checked. And causal.

But even that. I am tired of. Tired of kicking the tyres. Tired of *everything*.

There is. A slowly intensifying feeling of no escape to it. Inevitability. Like being trapped with the answer. The cusp of knowing that now you have to go to bed and end the day when you're a kid.

I can only see bad things on my horizon. A situation that gets worse in predictable ways. If nothing else. Age related.

Anywho.

Flat.

Quiet.

Despairing.

Perhaps it will pass.

It feels more fundamental than that.

It feels like. A proper acceptance of The Shit.

And it is crushing. That's perhaps what's going on. Or at least. Some of it. 

I sound. Reasonable. Stable. Calm.

And. Ironically. Inside. I am probably the most bleak I have been in ... ever. Foundationally bleak.

Books and covers.

This is a very minor perpetual irritation I have. When someone says. You sound better.

I just nod. And acknowledge.

Is that a wish ? What do you think that statement does ? Warp reality ?

99 times out of a hundred. That statement does *not* match my internals. I could. If I were a lot more inclined to push back. Throw those comments back in someones face. No. I'm not fucking better. I sound better because I'm masking for you, and you don't want to fucking look. See. I can find anger if I go poking for it. Hey. Hey. Say something angry. Fuck people telling me how I am. How about. You fucking *ask*. Or *listen*. And not just fucking tell me how I'm feeling. Uh huh. Now that I poke that. That does make sense. I just. Don't operate on that level though. I mean it's not fair for one thing. Saying someone seems better is a perfectly normal thing to say. Of course. Context is king. Saying that when someone is not doing better. Is. Eh. Bad timing at the very least. Tone deaf. Or even. Wilfully ignorant or casually antagonistic at worst. There is a difference between saying, you sound better when someone is full of life and joy and enjoying something. Compared to someone has just had their leg hacked off and is bleeding out and you say, you seem better. Are you being funny ? Fuck off. So. I guess context matters. Read the room.

Sigh.

It's fine.

People. Are people. Always stumbling around in the dark.