Apr 7

 Therapy today.

Didn't want to go. I don't want to do anything. I have I think just reverted to my pre hyped work state. I have. To all intents and purposes. Given up. On everything. Just. No more querying. Sitting with it.

So therapy.

We talked a bit about being overloaded. Work. And Ill. And everything. And maybe that was feeding my giving up.

Eh. Not really. It doesn't help. It's the repeated lesson in Shit That Makes Life Harder. But it isn't the core.

We talked a little about whether therapy was useful anymore. I said I really wasn't sure. And that the act of going to a place and talking about things once a week was, just in and of itself. Useful. But beyond that. I questioned whether that "was enough". If there's benefit then yes said the therapist. But I said, what happens if someone just turns up, talks about what they saw on TV and leaves. Not therapy. Not useful. It's a waste of - if nothing else - the professionals time.

The therapist said that it was about doing what was required in the space. And that that. Could be useful. Because it was about building pathways. The doing of a thing. The breaking of other habits.

I agree. I understand this. This is modelling of behaviour to a certain extent. It's like learning to be "normal". And for me. Maybe that's not nothing.

I said it was an unusual take. I agreed with it. And is what I would do. But. I don't meet people like that typically. Typically it's geared around a much more... selfish.. transactional... agreement.

Thinking on it. I am pretty sure this is not the therapists original take. In the early days they were frustrated with me. For going to deep. Or on tangents. And our "rupture" then corrected itself. And the therapist was never frustrated with me again. The language changed. I need what I need. That's it.

One of awareness and self improvement perhaps. Or one of outside correction - talking to their own shrink about what they do. Or a bit of both. I don't have the answer to that. I would be surprised if it was all of the former though.

We talked a little about our relationship. How I was increasingly frustrated with it. But. Had come full circle with it. It is what it is. And added it to my pile of "this is just how life is" defeatedness.

The therapist was not happy about this. Sad. In fact. We talked about framing of things. Why was it a failure. Why did I need that. I ended up having to give a 500 word essay on why I cared and being human. At one level it was absurd. Like defending just being human.

The analogy that finally landed with the therapist was this. Sure. You can just be fine with a relationship the way it is. You don't have to view it as what's missing, but what you have. But I said it's like being stuck indoors on a nice day out. Sure you can stay indoors. And that's ok. But you're missing out on the nice day. The green spaces. The rest of life. And that's what it's about. The things you miss. Or like having a fancy TV. But not being able to open your eyes.

I talked about being uncomfortable in non reciprocal relationships, or rather, when that direction is in my favour. I am very used to non reciprocal relationships when I am the giver. And when I know the therapist is having a bad time. It matters. It triggers my asshole response. The selfish reflex. If someone else is suffering. We should not be focusing on me. That's. An asshole.

The therapist argued that I am not being an asshole at all. It's an agreed relationship. Both parties. Both adults. Present. Bringing something. It's supposed to be about me. I am not missing some social contract.

I agreed. And then shook my head.

The thing is I said. That's all legalese. All a rational cover for bad behaviour. It's ok to be an asshole in this case because we have a legal document we both agreed to, we both signed, so that makes it ok that it's all about me.

It's. A waiver. It does not fix the fundamental injustice of it. Unfairness. Imbalance. It's just a legal cover to be a prick. The world is full of these I said. Official permission to be an asshole. Well it's ok I did X bad thing you see, because it's within my rights.

It doesn't make it actually right. It just makes it legally right. Defensible. Artificial. Constructed. Bullshit. In order to shelve difficult feelings.

I understand I said, that this is somewhat radical. And makes life very difficult to deal with. You can't just hide behind a piece of paper that says you have permission to do some unspeakable act. You have to actually engage with the weight of something. The paper means nothing.

I Suppose. This is the difference in some ways of "only obeying orders" and refusing those orders because they are abominable. We know how powerful only obeying orders and bits of paper are.

So.

Just because we have an agreement. About a therapy space. Two consenting adults. Agreed. No blame. Does. Not. Remove. The. Unfairness. Of. The. Interaction. It is still, objectively. Selfishness. And that. Does not sit well with me. Ever.

The therapist started shifting it around about whether it was a compulsion I had. Whether it was because I had little self worth - they pointed out that same fairness did not apply to me. Absolutely not. Because I am broken in that respect. I don't count. Therefore I dont think I deserve any attention. But. This is not what that is. This is just about. Fairness. Reciprocity. A backbone bit of human social structures. Give and take. Don't consume all the goddamn oxygen in the room for yourself. I said. It was not acceptable. For one person to go to a table, eat all the food on it, whilst aware of someone else at the table starving. That's not about me having no self worth. That's just. Fairness. Justice. Decency. Something that can seem in shockingly short supply in the world we find ourselves in. Where some people will do all they can to shovel as much wealth, things, food into their pockets. Will stamp on others to get there. Who are never sated. That. To me. Is monstrous. And it starts. With being mindful of other people in the room. Not. Stealing all the attention.

Absurd. Kind of. That I have to defend that. Explain it. I did point it out.

I. Inadvertently. Backed the therapist into a corner. And pinned them there. Rationally. No way out. I am not bullying. I am not mean. I am not heated. But I get it. It's. Unfair. Intellectually. I don't know. In any case. I'm not wrong there. It's one of those awkward little truths that doesn't fit in our neat patterns of society that are invented to make people feel less shit about themselves. It's ok to be an ass. I have a bit of a paper that says I can. My answer is. No. It does not. I do not value your paper at all. The presence of a stupid bit of arbitrary paper does NOT remove the morality of what goes on. Have all the bits of paper you like. The morality sticks.

The world is full of this shit. Full of it. Legal defences of why a bank can repossess a house. Of why its ok to bomb all those people. Of why your employer can fuck you over. Jesus. At one point. A lovely bit of paper. To tell you it's ok to own slaves. Assuaging your guilt for a morally reprehensible thing. Because. Bit of paper. I'm allowed to burn women at the stake because they're witches. I have a bit of paper. See ? So many fucking atrocities at the brandishing of a bit of paper.

Fuck. Off.  

Which. Then. 

Possibly leads us into the most awful bit about today.

The finale.

Last week I was sick. Couldn't attend. Sent an email the evening before. I was going to check with the therapist whether they need me to pay for the session anyway. It crossed my mind. Being kind. But. I didn't in the end.

It came up in the end. That contractually - the therapists words - I was bound to pay if I didn't cancel without 24 hour notice. Perfectly reasonable. Perfectly.... legal. And it was fine.

Except.

It also kind of wasn't.

The timing of it was tone deaf.

The fault was no ones but fate and a cold. And sure. There is a legal determination there that that's my fault. But also consider. I have been going to the therapist for a year. Every week. Without fault. Without non payment. They are keen to emphasise the relationship we have.

And here.

After me saying about the non value of paper. The real value of actions.

Perfectly reasonably. The therapist gives me a legal statement about 24 hour notice.

So I have paid. No big deal. For a session I missed.

And yet.

I feel like a massive point has been missed. Exactly what I was talking about. The legal. Versus the intent. What is the value of our relationship after a year, if you feel the need to push that boundary ? Not that I don't agree with it. But also. The timing of it. Epically bad.

I was querying during that session about stopping or not. Whether it came down to being worth it or not.

And here we are with a decent bit of sobering. About the true nature of the relationship. About how money intrudes. A transaction. Reality. Society. All that shit.

So.

I am going next week. But I think. That might be it. We will talk about it next week. I will gauge their reaction. But. I think I am done. 

There is a dual relationship going on there. On the one hand. A human connection - of sorts - and mindfulness and caring. And on the other hand. A grubby transaction. For money. And living. Those two things are not happy bedfellows. You cannot be entirely there for someone if your hand is out for money as a priority. As much as that absolutely makes sense, is what it's all about, is the recompense for services, and all that shit. Context and push and pull matters as much as anything. There's a difference between honesty and good faith, and someone out to rip you off as hard as they can. Not that the therapist is in anyway doing that. At all.

But still.

They fucked up.

This is inline with what I think is their outside persona. Deliberate. Picky. Not uncomfortable with getting what they want. Difficult.

Eh well.

This is just a sign from the universe. Finish it up. 

Final obvious thought of the day. Sometimes I get tired how often I have to say this.

Legality. Does NOT mean Morality.

Legal. Does not mean Just. Fair. Morally correct.

If your moral compass is entirely based on what's legal or isn't. You're in a great deal of ethical trouble.