Sep 27

 Killer migraine.

It has been a long while since I've had a killer migraine.

Six months ago, give or take, I had a bad migraine that lasted for a few days. A very odd shaped migraine for me. Which contributed me to losing the plot at that point. Coinciding with the heating going kaput.

But that was not.. quite... a killer migraine. Or at least. Not the typical shape.

Today was a killer migraine. Or at least. Was shaping up to be one. Took me to the awful edge. And then. Fortunately - or perhaps with good management - it ebbed away.

Killer migraines for me are ones that go hard into blinding pain followed by nausea and vomiting and repeating over and over. All the while the *rest* of your system goes haywire. Incredible sweats. Sudden bursts of heat. Very cold. You can get this uncontrollable shivering whilst simultaneously covered by copious amounts of sweat. It makes no sense. And also the shits. And a touch of - which at that point is hilariously minor - visual disturbance.

They are, pretty much, the worst thing I've ever experienced. They are up there at the same level as the points I thought I was going to die when I was ill and the suffering therein. But a different kind of hell to that.

At one point I thought that my killer migraines would be the way I would exit the world. Head exploded, brains leaking out of my nose. Now. It has shifted to some variant of CFS and unidentified creepingly worse bullshit I suffer. But. Never count your chickens. Perhaps migraines will still end up my bane.

My worst killer migraine was a "paralytic migraine". When I suffered that. I was blissfully unaware that such a thing existed. I was in the shower. There was a sudden odd sensation in the back of my neck. And my right arm went completely dead. Extreme pins and needles. No sensation. It freaked me out. In the moment the bit that didn't compute for me was that this was *my right arm* and not my left. Heartaches et al not working that way.

I got out of the shower with a slowly returning to normal right arm shaken. I dried off. And if I recall correctly, I had visual disturbance. Bright white light spot in the middle of my vision. Which at the time, again, was unknown to me. I don't think it properly registered. But in hindsight. I'm pretty sure was there.

Within 5 minutes of getting out of the shower I had the most apocalyptic migraine. Floored me. As they do.

The pattern of migraines *typically* for me is around a 4 to 6 hour dance. Overwhelmingly this is the case. The depth of suffering depends whether I "catch them" or not generally. In the older days. When I still hadn't figured out at least some handle on how to deal with these fuckers, they all inevitably went killer.

The paralytic migraine, after I had stopped writhing on the floor. I actually went to the GP. This was back in the day when GPs were somewhat better, and I had not at that point lost almost complete trust in them.

The doc looked at me smiled in a grim way and immediately gave me a diagnosis. Paralytic migraine ( I think they now call them hemiplegic migraines, but back then, that was the term he used ). He said I should consider myself somewhat lucky. In a percentage of those cases people *don't recover*.

To me. This doesn't sound entirely far away from a full on stroke. But anyway.

Fortunately I've only ever had one paralytic migraine. The rest. Are terrible. But no paralysis. 

Killer migraines will inevitably find me curled up on a bathroom floor. Preceded by sweaty raging body trying to sleep in a dark quiet room. But the end place is the bathroom floor. Shivering. Covered in sweat. Out of my mind in awful pain I can't do anything about. Interspersed with vomiting on an empty stomach into the toilet I am hugging. Sometimes this is so bad that I get the muscle ache malarkey. My stomach. My neck. Everything. Becomes strained. Bruised. Punchy. 

Eventually the migraines lose their strength. Sometimes slowly with false plateaus and returns to the bathroom floor. But more often than not. Once they shift from a relentless vomit pounding head cycle, they stick to a horrible head which over time dissipates. If you're lucky, they depart in reasonable time. If you're unlucky they grumble on for hours. Sometimes a day or more. And at that point. Often with a "punchy" head that lasts up to 72 hours. Move your head too fast. And the bell gets rung. A sudden single thud of pain. Like someone just hit you with a hammer. And. An absolutely feeling of bruising. Your head feels bruised.

So. Killer migraines.

Even when I was at my best. These would bring me to a nasty existential edge.

Nowadays in my considerably weakened state. It doesn't even bear thinking about.

Today I caught one. Out of nowhere. Quick developing. I took myself immediately to sleep. But. In 5 minutes. Something. Something told me, don't just skip this one. Go full protocol.

Full protocol for me is 3 x 300mg aspirin. And this can... if caught soon enough... "take the edge off". It catches the rise and makes it plateau out somewhere beneath vomit cycle. Duration is often the same. Maybe a little less. If. I don't do this quickly enough. Preferably before the migraine has got beyond a tickle. Then the aspirin does nothing. And you'll probably end up vomiting it up.

Today I did the protocol. And threw a single paracetamol on top of it. Because. Of late. An aspirin and paracetamol combo when things are particularly shit, has taken the edge off better than either of them alone.

Did that. Migraine descended.

The body signals went haywire. Oh no.

High pain. Thoughts bleed out. Just. Pain. And breathing. Sometimes this works. Just. Breathe in. Breathe out. Do. Not. Think. Breathe in. Breathe out. Calm. Relax. Calm. No mean feat.

My body prickled all over. Sweat. Sweat started pooling in my suprasternal notch. Hilariously. A really good indication shit has gone south. You find a pool of water there.

Extremities freezing. Sweat pooling. And then. Cycling. Blasts of heat. Radiating heat from everywhere. Then cold. Sweating through it. I kinda have the idea that this is my blood vessels contracting and dilating. Almost like the dial is being swished back and forth in some fucked up effort to relieve the fuckery in my brain. Or. It could just be the wiring going haywire.

Oh no.

Breathe. Calm.

Stomach roiled. That familiar nausea.

No no.

Tinnitus. Both ears. Screeching like a mother fucker. SCREEEEEEEE. 

Eh. Figures. System under assault. The tinnitus goes way up. Always. 

Breathe. Calm. Reach for sleep. For the love of god. Lose consciousness.

I felt terrible.

In between the no thoughts the thought tripped through my brain. You're on your own. This one feels very bad. This is going to nail you. Curled up.

Empty thoughts. Breathe.

At some point. I dropped off to sleep. In pain. This. Is absolutely a feat. And. Not entirely an accident. The forced empty head and breathing et al I know can make a small difference in reaching that point.

I didn't actually realise I had fallen asleep. Until one of my stupid fucking muscle spasms *actually* woke me up. Weirdly. The sense of pain didn't change. Asleep or not. The pain was there. Odd. But the pain had altered slightly. 

I practiced my breathing again.

And soon disappeared beneath the threshold of oblivion and slept. The very best place to be with a migraine. Jeez. The very best place for me to be period these days.

I woke up nearly 4 hours later.

The migraine grumbled. But it had lost all of its strength. Retreating like a storm fading over the horizon.

Wary.

Sometimes these fuckers can circle back. Just like those storms.

Wary. Be careful. Do not jump up. Do not look at screens. Do not. Antagonise.

And slowly. The grumble faded.

I think. The aspirin et al definitely dumped hard on the migraine. I am not sure. But I would take a good guess that the migraine started to get its wings clipped right around the time those drugs were due to kick in. About 30 minutes. I *think*. Without it. I suspect it would have spiralled.

I dont know why. I know way way better. But sometimes I think I Can skip The Protocol. And just wing it. Without aspirin. No meds. If I just manage it by resting and sleeping. It's a stupid gamble. For what reason I don't know. Some stupid idea that I am better off not taking meds. Because side effects. But the risk reward thing is so skewed towards taking them, that its frankly insane not to. And yet. Still. Sometimes. I roll the dice. But then this is me all over. Perhaps I just don't like "being told what to do". CFS included. No. I refuse to rest. Wrong choice. Although these days. I absolutely do not do that. Well. Kinda. Well. Mostly. I know all too well how hard that bites. And I adjust my - sorry ass - life around it.

Sometimes with bad migraines. I have a "post euphoric buzz". Sometimes its subtle. Sometimes its huge. The world becomes sparkly. And amazing. And bright. And colourful. And wonderful. It's. Like the opposite of depression goggles. I swear. Sometimes its like a Disney sheen - you can see the sparkles. They are not there. But they are. It's hard to describe.

The euphoria always wears off. Of course. Usually fairly quickly. You get maybe. An hour at most. But more like. 20 or 30 minutes.

Right or wrong I have equated this to some kind of post endorphin high. Your body amped up on endorphins. The underlying misery dissipates. And it takes a while for the endorphins to cancel the alarm, and come  back down. But for that short moment inbetween, your pain is down, and you are hopped up on happiness.

Today I had a little of it. Just for a while. A little. Brighter. A little. More capable. 

A close call.

Part of me is happy the migraine is gone.

Part of me is miserable that life is just one fucking bit of suffering after another. All the suffering colours of the rainbow.