Sep 8

 Hello blog. I often don't have the energy to do this anymore. Or have much to say that is new. But that's not it. It's not about having new things to say at all, it's that the underlying thing itself, the defeat, has turned off the lights.

But here I am.

Today was thin. So super thin. I am. Somewhat surprised I am still here. Very thin. It doesn't even feel like an issue anymore. It feels like an overwhelming no choice situation. Staying feels like the horrible thing. Not the leaving.

But here I am.

The fistula is back. For the fourth time. I should probably tell someone about this. Have yet another round of surgery. I have to say the overwhelming feeling in me is to just let it do its thing. And to be clear. It will end up killing me one way or another. But eh. I will. Wait a while. And see. Maybe mention it. Run the whole palaver around again. The wait. The poke. The longer wait. The further poke. The even longer wait. Then surgery. Albeit last time the surgeon did say just talk to him directly - but the time limit, 6 months. We are out of warranty. So back round the merry go round we go.

I suspect. This has added a further drain on to my limited resources. It might even be the alarm that the tinnitus squeal has been subjecting me to. Much worse. At times very bad. At any time worse.

The pains. The exhaustion. The brain fog. The dicey return out of sleep. Misery. Fistula.

How many plates do you want to spin. 

So.

Yeah.

Not great. "Not great". Heh. Not funny.

I have slept most of the day today. And felt diabolical. Very bad when waking up to go pee. Shaky legs. Woozy. So very thin indeed.

Each wake up is a horrible affair. It *hurts*. I am plunged into a host of red flashing lights. It is an enormous effort to just sit up. A real fight. At some point. You realise. Wow. This is so not worth it. Just let me sleep... let me... go. Losing the capability to return from the depths.

This, to my understanding, is how it can work. If my mom is anything to go by at the very least.

Last week I flatlined out. Tinnitus was screwing with me badly. The day after last weeks journal I wobbled hard. Suicidal. I spoke to Andy. And said I was struggling. Work was difficult. Talked a bit.

And ended up working hard that week. Despite me scraping the barrel. Itself a horrible experience.

We rushed a bit of work, finished the transfer and switch over of a complicated server. Dealt with the usual human frustrations of problems thrown up that were nothing to do with the work. Of having to explain things.

Running on fumes last week.

I stayed up anyway Thursday. Played some games through the start of the weekend. But so thin. A mistake. Yesterday and today perhaps it has bitten. Everything all at once. And pushed me very low indeed.

One of these dips. Will nail me. If not by some failure. Then by my own hand.

And let me be clear. Even if it is by own hand. Know. That this isn't some blip. Some poorly thought out space. It is the end point of a lot of suffering. Too much. It is an end to a long defensive march backwards. The realities of the situation. The realities of the world. Just the way things are. A different world. Different things. And maybe there would be different outcomes. But I don't live there.

And so. It would be. Expected. Understandable. Rational. Even. Do not get me wrong. I am aware of the tragedy of it. I hate death period. No matter who. And despite me having a very dim value of my worth. I get it. It is. Not good. Sad. Tragic. More so. For anyone around me that would take harm from it. Some sadness perhaps that would linger with them. But. I doubt I would have that serious an impact. But I don't know. And I am crucially, really bad at seeing my worth in the world, and as a reflection to that, what people see my worth as.

In any case.

The world is full of tragic things. I am not unique in that. Unfortunately this shit happens all the time. Kids die everyday. The world is not short of things that are unfair. Sad. Tragic. I would be just one grain of sand in that beach.

Exhausted.

Perhaps I just need to sleep and sleep and sleep. And if I don't come out of one of those. That's ok. And if I do slowly recall. Then it will have done its job.

I woke up today with the biggest nerve jerk I've had so far. The whole of my upper left side twitched. Pulled me hard out of sleep. The twitches. Are getting worse. The loss of words is getting worse. Today I could not think of the word rapeseed for the smell that was on the air.

Eh well.

There is a lesson in there for me. Not that it pertains to anything beyond an observation. And dies with me. As it turns out in life. I have arrived at a point where money is not an issue. A home is not an issue. The things that people often fret about. I have in my own modest way, solved well enough for me. A lot of things. That many people struggle for. I am ok with. And. It's all for nothing. Because the bit at the middle of it - me. Is dying. And as it turns out. That's the only bit that actually matters.

We know this. We often lose it. Forget it. Everything else seems important.

Live life whilst you can. Life is short. It is not guaranteed. And at some point it ends. Enjoy what you can whilst you can.

But it's hard to say. Hindsight. Would I be better off if I had lived more, worked less. Honestly. I can't see the wood from the trees there. The answer is probably yes. But I can't see it. Blinded by the darkness around me.

Not for the first time do I think of the girl journeying around the coasts of the UK. Burning so very bright. Before she winked out.

She will always stay with me I think.

It is something I ponder. And turn this way and that. I have no good answers. But I can see the tragedy and beauty within it.

I sometimes think. We'd all be better off. If we weren't conscious. Oblivious to the grind of it.