Oct 16

 CFS is kicking my ass.

I slept for a couple of days straight this week. Could not stop sleeping. Down in the depths. Everytime I came up, exhausted, a strong pull back into sleep.

Around the clock I went.

Work this week has suffered for it.

Everything has suffered for it.

Today I have felt stretched. Nothing is right. Existing is just suffering. There is nowhere you can sit. Nothing you can take. Nothing you can do. Not hydration. Not eating. Not resting. Nothing. Nothing helps.

Sleep calls. Really strongly. The pains and headaches roll in and out. The exhaustion persists. The heaviness. Like sinking into the floor.

Today I tried rallying myself by pure will. Play a game. Stream it. Force myself into a higher state.

Difficult. I maintained for a few hours at a price. And then slumped.

I cannot escape it. 

Back to bed to rest.

Sleeping in and out. And 3 hours pass like they were nothing. Like it was 10 minutes. 

Exhaustedly I once again for the thousandth time wonder what on earth I am doing plodding on.

I have no answer to that. Other than habit. Habit that is continually challenged by the untenable.

I realise today is Friday. For many people its a good evening for them. Work week done. Weekend ahead. For me. It's another day. Another blur of exhaustion and shit. I realise I am a long way out of the common experience.

I try to pay not much mind to the world when it's this hard. The world is itself in a declining shit state. We live in an age of corruption and irrationality, of the incompetent and the mentally unstable in positions of power. And greed has run rampant. Much of the ugliness humans are capable of is on show. It's not all like that. But there is a lot of it. A trivial photo the other day. Someone asking whether a food stall charging £1.50 for salt and pepper seasoning was taking the piss or not. The consensus was what you'd think. The world has gone mad. Everyone seems to be trying to reach some level of high wealth by exploiting everything. Nothing is done at a fair price. The so called balancing effect of a shitty market economy has taken to charging what it can get away with. And not what a competitive price is. The elephant in the room being that competition only works when the market competes against itself. When a consensus not to do that occurs...

Much friction and ill will is generated via malice. The Russian servers have gone down - knocked out by Ukraine. And a precipitous fall in shit stirring, support for extreme opinions, and malice online has resulted. Like the miserable child in the room that can't let anyone have anything nice and spoils it for everyone. An odd, trauma inhabited, miserable mentality. Which fits with the culture of hopelessness and resignation they have. 

Anyway.

Whatever.

Today is hard. I will not be sad when I end. It will be a relief.

Nothing matters anymore. 

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