Oct 20

 Therapy yesterday.

The last session. "Last".

I span out the therapy to this week because it was clear the therapist was struggling to articulate - they said this directly - and we had run out of time. So. Give it another week. Never let it be said that things were left half hanging. A sentence unable to be stated.

As it turned out the therapist didn't have much to say. This is not a surprise. The therapist can lose the track a fair bit from week to week. It is one of their... non strengths shall we say. Concentrated continuity. They tend to operate on a more flighty general continuity rather than picking a conversation up from the week before.

Which isn't super helpful here.

We talked some initially about how I was doing. CFS being hard. Robbing me of life. "Opportunity cost". Taking away opportunities I might have otherwise had. And that I was at zero. With everything. Didn't want to continue existing. And that the CFS was clearly an enormous exacerbating factor. Even without it, I wouldn't be clicking my heels together and skipping to the horizon. With it. Untenable.

I specifically then asked the therapist if they had anything to say. Any reflections. Because they didn't fully articulate last week. Here's your chance.

Nothing firm.

It seems they have retreated into a rationalisation of

a) no mistake was committed and in any case I didnt...

b) specifically say stop. the implication being that it run on too long because I failed to say stop 

and 

c) this is to do with me being sensitive to inconsistencies (?!) rather than a mistake in therapy

All of which is horseshit evasion imho.

a) clearly a mistake was made in flogging a dead horse despite protestation, and escalated to quasi gas lighting, tone deaf, not listening, which, the therapist subtly admits when they say, "I should have stopped earlier". no shit.

b) pushing the responsibility onto me for regulating *their* behaviour is a transferrence of responsibility, where they are saying they cant regulate themselves well enough to know when something is wrong, and they need me to explicitly tell them to adjust. so. who is the adult in the room here ? I'm having to explicitly tell my therapist to get a grip ? Yikes.

c) has nothing to do with sensitivities but does make an interesting background for preferences et al ( this is something *I* gave them last week, not something they intuited ). this instead is *entirely* to do with 1) lack of active listening, adjustment, context, something I think should be a, or THE core skill of therapy, 2) inability to then acknowledge the mistake apart from oblique references and a lot of squirming through a host of excuses without once tackling the stated failure point, 3) doubling down on all of that. not being able to reflect. not being able to correct. still failing to acknowledge the mistake. some pretty clear avoidance, responsibility transfer et al. the problems. are a mechanical failure of the art of therapy. not some environmental issue. not some variable that skews results. a simple nuts and bolts failure to apply epistemic rigour to the process, failure of epistemic humility and honesty. To me. Therapy fundamentals. 

Or. In shorter version.

You failed at your job. Not because of variables. Because of your application of core skill requirements.

And not because you made a mistake. But because of the entire machinery. Failure to correctly adapt after a mistake. Acknowledgement etc. If you can't do that. Your use in therapy is diminished imho. You cannot reliably bring those therapy skills to the table.

Of course.

People are human.

No therapist is perfect. Which. Is another discussion. About how many people practicing therapy are well suited to be practicing therapy. The metrics for a bridge builder tend to be easier. Did they build a bridge. Did it fall down ? Ok. Therapy. Is full of murky arguable plausible excuses. So. Your guarantee of capability output is.... sketchy. As can be reported by any number of people who have bad therapy stories.

Which is not to say that my therapist is terrible.

They aren't.

But.

It's also to say. They don't majorly fuck up the core skills of their job at times.

They do.

And given some core failures. What the implications are going forwards.

In any case.

During the session. I let them stand. I did not repeat my arguments. I did not burn them down. I let their rationalisations sit.

Only once in the session did I say I still think you fucked up, I still think you made a mistake, I still think you failed.

I went through with the therapist my thoughts on ego, hubris and arrogance.

My relationship with not dealing well with compliments. Or statements of my worth. How I shrink from them. I do not *want* someone to say I am kind. It makes me shrink. Or of worth. That one. Makes me shrink AND absolutely fails to compute. Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong.

And. That it's about visibility.

My safe space. Learned. Is to hide. Do not make yourself visible. Do not stand out. Pass unnoticed. Regulate everyone else. Be there for everyone else. Do not make it about you. At all. Do not make yourself stand out. Because if you do. You get attention. And pain. And punishment.

So you hide.

See my liking of the dark.

And when someone says hey, you did great.

It's like a great spotlight has suddenly illuminated my hiding spot.

And I shrink from the light.

No no no no no. Turn off the light. Don't say that. They didn't mean that. I am nothing. Really. Go away. Stop it.

The irony here is that I say I am an open book. Ask me any question, I will tell you.

And that's true.

However.

Tell me I am worthwhile.

And I will dissolve and seek the nearest hole to hide in.

Because that's what I was taught. That. Kept me... as safe as I could be.

In an environment where the lights were always sweeping overhead. And if you got caught in that light. There was trouble. Arguments. Rage. Punishments. My mom especially. Using me as a lightning rod. For frustrations. Anger. An outlet for her.

The therapist noted again that it has been found that unpredictable environments are worse than predictable ones. A predictably bad environment teaches you what to expect. An unpredictable one means you always need to keep on your toes.

And I have become exceptionally good at keeping on my toes. Fitting in. Blending. Monitoring. Adapting. Until I don't exist. No self worth. Just a shadow. That can play nicely. Be a social mirror. Hitting the right notes.

I mentioned another point of history to the therapist.

My parents were drinking whilst watching TV. My mom wanted me to make her drinks. Snowballs.

I did.

She wanted another.

I got it slightly wrong.

It was "fucking disgusting". He's ruined this. Taste that. Awful. Fucking idiot. We should make him drink it. My dad joined in with the verbal beating.

How old was I the therapist asked.

7 or 8 thereabouts.

I said I wasn't being malicious. I hadn't slipped some poison into their drink. I was genuinely trying to do a good job. I didn't know the rules though. Of how to make the best snowball. I was guessing.

And I got my ass kicked for it. Proper vicious anger. Not fake anger. Not comedy. Not understanding. Not even just anger. Vicious. With intent. Make me suffer. A delight in making me suffer.

The therapist was horrified. And sad.

We talked about the environment. That I had learned to be quiet. That I couldn't rely on any help externally. That nothing I said or did mattered. No opinion. No emotion. Am I sad. Or angry. None of it. Shut up. Did I want to keep going to boys brigade ? No question. You will do it. Can I stop ? No. Can I stop now ? No.

I learned that I had to be strong. Internally. Endure it. Nothing to be had externally. To adapt to the mood external. To not make myself noticeable. To hide whatever I was. Or wanted. Or needed.

Feeding into that adult.

Who will willingly stand. Not asking for a drink. Not asking for food. Or rest. Or consideration. Who will actively turn down a drink or offer of food. Because I do not want to be a burden. I cannot be a burden.  Asking for something makes me visible. Results in anger. I can hold it internally. Endure being thirsty or hungry. They will pass. And I will be safe. Endure. Stand.

The therapist said it reminded them of my account of dealing with the asthma attack on my own. No help. You are just dealing with it on your own.

Sure.

It's the same hymnbook isn't it.

The therapist wanted to know if there was an event there. A start.

No. Not really. But the atmosphere. Was oppressive. Always. Like a weight. Pushing down on you. Always. All pervasive. High pressure.

The therapist understood. The environment was always like that.

Yeah. For years. And years. You just take it as normal.

It did cross my mind whether this was related to my sister revealing that when our mom died she felt "free" for the first time ever. And like a weight had lifted off her. And also. Her friends description of our mom as being "evil".

The pressure chamber. 

Uh huh.

We kind of left it there.

I said shit happens. Also. Back then. Shit like raging on a kid for getting a drink wrong. More acceptable.

Did I feel anything about it ?

Not really I said. I can see its unjust. Horrible. And that I would never ever ever do that to a kid. Ever. And there is a monstrous aspect to it. But. I dont attach a feeling to it per se. Not of rage. Or fear. A little sad.

After the session I reflected that I think most of all. I feel sorry for that kid. I feel sorry he had to take that. And if I could. I would protect them. Hard from that abuse. And if I transfer that out. Not me. It's a kid. I am direct about it. Abusive. Stop fucking bullying that kid. Stop taking your shit out on that kid. Teach them. Nurture them. If you cant do that. For fucks sake stop kicking them. Evil indeed.

Eh well.

The therapist queried me several times about emotion. Where was the emotional response. Why did I not get frustrated at people "not keeping up".

Because it doesnt work like that for me. Why would I get annoyed at a fish not being able to climb a tree ?

It can still be annoying the therapist said.

No.

Its a category failure. An expectation failure. You are raging at the world as it is.

Still valid said the therapist. Does that mean its not logical. Theres no point to it ?

Sure I said. It doesnt make any sense.

But emotions are not logical.

Yes I said. And emotions are useful. But. Theres a difference here. No one is enraged, emotional, because the solar system has 8 planets. Its just a property of the system. Someone runs over you mom and kills them. Sure. Emotional.

You can go round the world being emotional at this flaw, that failure, you're an idiot, why cant you do this, or that. But after a while step back. And realise this isn't exceptional. This is how it is. The sky is blue. The grass is green. People are imperfect. Its not rage enducing. Its understanding.

I flipped it on the therapist.

Therapists will often see the mechanics behind a thing. Someone does a terrible thing. A therapist in general will not react with anger and emotion. They will see the path that lead them there. The trauma. The environment. And understand. No therapist is going to stand there and say, hes an evil scumbag kill him ! They will say this is the product of their upbringing and dysfunction of this and that. There is an understanding there.

Otherwise I said. When an 8 year old presents a picture. We would rip into them. Terrible. No sense of perspective. Is that supposed to be a face ? Pathetic ! You suck. No. You understand. There is no anger response.

I likened it to the buddhist teachings of letting things go. Do not get embroiled in the immediacy of something. Understand the greater picture.

Sometimes. Even in stories. We can see someone is a villain. But after a while. We understand they are *the victim*. The understanding changes the emotion. From anger. To perhaps sympathy. A sense of tragedy.

And beyond that. A sense of the intrinsic nature of things. A fish does fish things. A bird does bird things. No one rages at the intrinsic nature of things.

I get. Thats. Radical. And that often people live in the immediate moment. Without understanding the bigger picture.

But thats where I am.

The therapist wanted to know the mechanics. Does it come in. Do I suppress it.

No.

I am not writhing with suppression.

It triggers nothing anger or frustration wise. Just understanding.

Seeing someone on a path.

I am not angry that they aren't further along the path than "they should be".

Do teachers at the start of a semester rage that their pupils are all idiots. Stupid. Don't know the syllabus.

No.

That's the expectation. You can't be annoyed at someone who hasn't been taught.

Or you can.

But. It's. Immature. Indicative of a failure of understanding at a meta level. A poor show of wisdom. Whatever.

Anyway.

I have agreed to another therapy session.

This week it was mostly about everything but The Issue.

However.

Next week I think will indeed be the last. The therapist doesnt know it yet. But. Next week. Final.

This week has shown no movement.

Also a little again of the therapist searching for something that isn't there.

It requires a lot of "teaching" or demonstrating on my behalf to turn the ship.

And the acknowledgement of failure is still there.

And I find myself at times now doubting their insight or response or the like. Not unreasonable. Is this X. Or is this Y.

Which. Is not good.

So. Next week is the last.

There is still some use in the sessions. Some. A little. It is very arguable how much and whether its worth it. Is sympathy alone worthwhile week to week ? Arguable.

And it could be. Stop it. Have a look around at the terrain. And if need be. Go back for a while. Or a one off. Or somesuch. No doesn't have to be no forever.

But. There are still fundamental issues there.

I think simplistically bottom line.

The therapist is not good enough.

That simple.

The second thornier question would then be. Is any therapist good enough ?

Heh.

Perhaps not.

Which means we have reached the bottoming out of therapy in this context and this context alone.

Not unreasonable I think.