Oct 4

 Something. That sticks in my head in my older years. Is the miserable idea that no matter how bad you think things are now. They can always get worse.

Which. Is somewhat of a defence against when things inevitably get worse. As opposed to thinking this is the worst. But. The price paid for that. Is a rather gloomy outlook if dwelled upon. And. A dubious help. Because if things are already bad enough that it's rather.... spicy... Then preparing for even worse. Just makes it more spicy inevitable. Or perhaps another way of putting that. Is if something is above a threshold already. Increasing it. Makes no great difference to the threshold being crossed. If. You're looking at thresholds.

Which is an obfuscated way of talking about whether life is worth it. And stabbing someone that's already on fire in the end, doesn't actually matter in a very real lived way.

The system caps out at some point experientially. Even though on paper. Worse.

And death. Is always death. Assuming you don't go in for the whole afterlife thing. That presents the rather ultimate line from which nothing - for the experiencer - gets worse.

Anyway.

Today is worse.

Nausea. Flu like symptoms. CFS dialled up.

Not good.

Today I feel properly flu like. I am pretty sure its CFS. And not some random cold. It. Doesn't have the actual cold like properties. There are no sniffles. Nothing like that. Just. A weird jump to mid way into a flu. Without the preceding bits. Or the sweats.

I am low.

No shit.

I have been low for sometime. Crucially. Did not report it in the blog. I skipped it. Skipped the whole... Friday I feel very bad psychologically. Didn't make it to print. But I did. A mild overwhelm on Friday. Nothing. Dramatic. Just. Too much. I can see the patterns of the world and they are all failing. I can see which way it's all headed. The future can change. Always the potential for improbable things. But the probabilities, the gravity, the downhill direction. Looks very bad indeed. I won't get into it. Because otherwise I would spin it out into the complete breakdown. From climate. To economics. To energy. To food. To politics. To tech. All in there. The debug of the machine state.

And the usual grief.

So Friday was not good.

Today is..

worse ?

Fab.

Still here. Still enduring. Don't know how. Don't know why. Out of gas.

I am finding, puzzles for me to do, still hold something. There is I think something fundamental about them and me. I derive some... not purpose exactly... not joy... but something. When I am architecting code. When I threading code through layers and passing data. I suppose. At a reductive level. It is a purpose. It's not exactly a purpose you'd write on a manifesto, or a life plan. Not really an identifiable human purpose. But. Fundamental. Brain go brrrrt. It gives the neurons a familiar patterning to puzzle over. And within that. That. Ticking over of operation. That existence. Without staring into the horror of nausea or pains or exhaustion or existential doubt. Allows you to just be. Just being. Without awfulness. Which is a pretty low bar. But. It's not suffering.

Of course all of that requires everything else to not be too terrible. Otherwise that layer of cognitive "play" gets wiped out entirely. Quickly. Easily. Often.

Reduce me down to one thing. And perhaps that's all that's left. A solver of puzzles.

Right.

Johnny.

What do we know about feeling shit and its affect on mood. And future prediction.

It is a depressor.

Yes. It tends strongly to make things feel very bad. So what dont we do with that in that state ?

Take things to heart. Mistake the conclusion in the fog to be reality that everything is fog.

And then its best just to ?

Let it go. Sit. Do not plan. Do not project. Sit. And let the weather pass without attaching meaning.

Right.

So what are we going to do ?

Stop thinking.

Right.

Message ends.