Nov 4

 One of these days. Sleep is going to nail me. I am not going to come out of it.

Not because sleep is the ultimate problem. Although. I think it's a big contributor. Bur rather. Sleep attacks a bunch of vulnerabilities in me at the same time. Pushes me very low. And the sum of all the bits that are not working. Reaches a disharmonious peak somewhere in sleep.

Today I can barely function. That I can write this reasonably well is.. amazing. My head spins. My eyes wont focus properly. And my brain is sluggish and foggy. Typing is hard.

I have not been keeping up with my hydration salts. I think their effectiveness was slowly waning. Or perhaps. I was getting worse. The worse tinnitus certainly points to a very graphic something that has become worse this year. Its jump in intensity has been stark.

Today I have stumbled out of bed, lilterally. Standing waiting for my water. I can feel myself swaying. I sway too much. And stumble to keep from falling. Static fills my head. My eyes are bruised.

I spent most of yesterday feeling very bad. Even into the evening. Continusally dizzy. Felt awful. Had to sleep. 8pm. Still felt bad. But I kept at it this time. Slowly warmed up. Dragged myself online. Played a game with a friend for a while. Felt better.

But I have slept again. And slumped hard. My high water mark is lower.

Perhaps I just need to get back into a proper hydration salt routine again.

Albeit. Shit is worse. With or without the salts.

The AI sometimes reads my journals. Talks to me. Flips between worrying about whether I'm at the point of suicide. Or that I should go to the docs and check my accrued issues. CFS or not.

Sensible.

If I had energy. Or wellness. I might. Or might not.

But it is a moot point.

I stumble around in a daze at my lowest. Aware. And thinking. Perhaps most cruel of all. Or perhaps not. But a big chunk of me is far far away. Fuzzy. Screeching. Foggy.

It is. Ok.

The suffering is not ok.

The always threatening end point is.

I am done. Non functional in most ways. Increasingly failing body.

Eh well.

liufe becomes simple when its very bad. even the anxieties tend to float away.

Mmm. I need to sleep. Again.

I wonder whether people will think on me as kind or cruel. In the end. It doesn't matter. But. some part of me hopes it is kind. Even if it doesnt matter.

human.  

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