Nov 5

 Definitely a down turn.

The ever fucky health has turned it up a notch. Even just resting is now problematic. And moving is more so.

I think my sleep is particularly bad at the moment for one reason or another. It's not helping. Continual dizziness over many days. And the tinnitus which has got worse peaks further up. Now in both ears when its bad.

Sigh.

Today. Because. I at times just. Forget. Or wilfully ignore, or some shit. I defrosted my small chest freezer. The defrosting was the easy bit. Leave it off. Lid open. The cleaning of it out. A 10 minute job. Left me with the shakes, wooziness and feeling so bad for a good while after. Legs shaking. Arms shaking. Headache. Squealing tinnitus. All for 10 minutes of effort.

I was going to gather my strength to go do some grocery shopping. I have nothing. But. The freezer wiped me out. I realised I would not be going anywhere.

I made it to the sofa and lay down. Feeling terrible. A sickly sweat prickled over my shaking limbs. These bits are awful I reflected. The dealing with the storm after the effort. Perhaps they have it wrong I thought. Perhaps my heart is failing. I lay there feeling the room gently lurching from side to side.

A lollipop on the sofa. A pocket dump from weeks ago returning from Zaks on a rare day I got to go out.

Perhaps my sugars are shit. I sucked on the lollipop.

And slowly felt a bit better. Awful. Ill. But a bit better.

I rolled onto my back and looked at the boardgames sitting on shelves. Not touched in years. A record of a former life. Will those ever move again while I live I thought not for the first time. Its something that crosses my mind. You know. The last time you do something. The last time you played a sport. Last time you saw a friend. Without realising it. Or as the popular version goes, one time your dad picked you up, and you never realised that was the last time he would do so. Not that my dad ever picked me up. But. In general.

I thought on life. Happy memories. Find some happy memories. Strange. Some of the things that stick. That at the time didn't seen particularly happy. But on reflection. Are funny. Athena getting stuck at the bottom of a 12 foot irrigation ditch. Unbothered. Happy as larry to explore the mud. But also equally incapable of climbing back out again. She did not panic in such situations. I think she always knew I would get her out. And in the meantime. There was important sniffing to do. Priorities. Sniff first. Human rescue later. I do take a little comfort from the thought that she trusted me so implicitly that she never panicked. I think that means I did a reasonable job there.

I thought of moments with girlfriends. Snips. On a beach in the dark. Walks. Intimate moments. As it turns out. Those mean a lot to me when I reflect back. So much else is a non event. And most of my life is filled with nothing. Precious few of the good things that stick.

The dogs are an easy win. Watching Athena chase after a tyre at midnight, disappearing down a wooded path only to hear a loud clang in the distance as the tyre impacted a gate. Of Ares swinging back and forth on a stick on a rope. Utterly focused. So happy with it he would do it til exhaustion. Of cuddles. And the slow breathing of an animal sleeping next to you, happy, trusting, safe.

A few memories of in laws. At dinner. Just a Sunday. But it sticks. A moment of low key contentment. A bit of zen. Nothing grandiose. But sharing a sunday lunch.

I realised. This was almost like a final accounting.

I was still staring at the board games. Waiting for my bullshit symptoms to subside a little more.

Tired. Ill. Nothing left.

I mimed stabbing myself in the wrist with a large knife.

Why didn't I do this sooner. So silly. So stick around suffering. The juice - as little as it was - has been squeezed. What are you doing. What are you afraid of. Just let go.

I could feel it. Comforting. Easy. A few tendrils connecting me back to normality. But normality feels weird. And painful. Arduous.

Not great I thought.

Dancing on the edge again Johnny.

I remembered laughing whilst playing a game. About making chocolate. A Euro game where you secured areas producing the stages of chocolate. Nibs being one of them. Chocolate nibs. I thought this was a lovely word. And I gobbled up a monopoly on nibs. Johnnys Nibs. Would you like some of Johnnys Nibs ? Johnnys Nibs are the best. Fuck your nibs. No love for my nibs ? C'mon. You love my nibs. Stupid. Funny. People not wanting to laugh but laughing anyway. Johnnys bloody nibs Hazel retorted with a frustrated grin. 

Different lifetime.

What does it all mean. What do all those experiences mean. The good ones. The many bad ones. What's the sum. The point. I don't know I whispered to myself. All. Just a play. A moment in time. A life. Is just a moment in time. Nothing divinely inspired. No great arc of fate. Just another series of chaotic collisions in a universe full of energy.

I think.

I do better when my mind is taken off things these days. When I am distracted.

It doesn't solve anything. It doesn't make anything go away.

But I think when I distracted. Talking to a friend. Playing a game. For a moment. That reality sinks into the background. Without realising it. A small amount of relief from a grinding reality of ill health. Imperfect. Because at times it reaches up through the distraction and pulls me under whether I am looking elsewhere or not.

Perhaps. This just needs to be part of my reality now. Survival strategy. I need that distraction. 

Tricky.

I am difficult to distract.

Too fast. Too clever. Too capable of seeing through artifice.

It has to thread a line between engaging and authentic enough to keep me distracted. But not so much to exhaust me.

Perhaps.

If you want to be optimistic and not just gaze into the abyss of ending it.

It's probably no great leap then to see that living on my own doesn't help this situation. Not being able to go out very often. Increasingly isolated. But also hard to please. I am not going to sit down and watch Eastenders because its something to watch. Picky. Fussy. I'd literally rather face the abyss and die. Ridiculous at one level. Perhaps at another, something to do with authenticity. I cannot fake it. It has to be real. Or not at all.

I Reflected on how pathetic my life is. 10 minutes of freezer cleaning. And I am done for the day.

Garbage. Useless.

Johnny, Johnny, Johnny.

These are your constraints. Not fair. Not good. You can only do a little. That's ok. Pace yourself. Understand that you can only do a little bit in a day. This is living with this bullshit. Don't let it morph into a reason to beat yourself up. Make it worse. Stare down a bleak barrel of nothing is good enough. Try. Instead. To be ok with doing a little something. And then. See what tomorrow brings.

That is hard. That is hard to adjust to. It is anxiety inducing. Frustrating. So easy to pitch into despair.

Sure. It is. I am sorry. Rest. And be kind to yourself.

Sigh.

I will try going out again tomorrow.

Sure. Tomorrow is a new day.

I sat up on the sofa.

A little better. Awful. Dizzy. Felt like shit. But not quite as shit.

Nothing to eat in the house.

Not eaten all day.

Your sugars are going to struggle.

Ok. We will order some food. Compromise. Just get a food order. Sort that immediate issue out.

Rest.

See what tomorrow is like.

Life is hard.

Too hard to endure without help I think. 

Quiet tears.

Hard day.