Bork Slowly Borking

 A short missive from the NHS GP today. CT scan results of my pancreas and associated came back clear. Nothing to report. Which leaves us back to zero and looking more and more like viral. Albeit I think by the time the NHS finally got off their backside to do a scan, my gastro stuff was considerably better - I haven't tried anything spicy yet, but everything else seems to not trigger me anymore. This GP is a lot better than the old sorry lot however. She asked I book a follow up to see how I was doing - and I'll also get the opportunity to compare notes with her and give her the final Harley Street report. Going to go over viral damage, CFS, long covid, and of course, the long term worry of the brain damage. And also touch on whether I should get the covid shot - which I've been offered - in my notably struggling state. I think at this point I am going to be left to my own devices to see if I keep on recovering. If the NHS take the Harley street recommendation they will be...

 So goes the song, suicide is painless. That song has a lot of deep feels for me. It's also not true. Today, as you do, I explained disassociation to someone who clearly didn't understand what they were going through. In fact for a lot of normal people, they've probably never even heard of the term disassociation. One of the benefits/perils of becoming a veteran with mental health experiences and issues is you start to learn the lay of the land and the proper terms for things, how they manifest and what their impacts can be. And so this person obvioulsy new to what the fuck their body / brain was doing  made me relate my experiences with it, and the concentrated form of it - when I've been on the point of suicide. Which is twice. If you are keeping count. Once, something like 14 years ago. And the second time... well... just recently. After explaining it, and a bit of a conversation with a bunch of others also suffering similar - and suicidal tendencies but not really k...

 So that fatigue. Hit me like a train yesterday. This is what I did yesterday as a benchmark. Got up, small bowl of muesli, black decaf tea ( no milk, no sugar ). Jump started the car, went to the hospital to take the heart monitor back, came home, probably 45 minutes all in, exhausted afterwards. Worked for most of the day. Ate an apple. Had a salad with some chicken for lunch at around 2pm. Hung 2 sheets on the line outside - which was a struggle. Started figuring out a new doorbell - took the old one down, undoing two screws wiped me out, sat down at 5.15pm. Hazel looked at me and said maybe I should have a nap. Yeah. Exactly what I was thinking. Woke up, dark outside, figured I should probably eat. What's the time. 11pm. Oh. Maybe not. But I should drink. Turned over. Woke up to get a drink. 1.10am. Holy shit. Went back to bed. Next time I checked the time it was 7.30am. Got up at 8am. Something like 14.5 hours of sleep. Bonkers. But I guess better than a few weeks ago when I w...

 Not too terrible a day yesterday, albeit with several bouts of tingles and waves of fatigue. Roused myself to powerwash off a bit of the back path - doing alright. Had a sit down. Oof. So tired. And the symptoms all sneak back in. It seems I have to be super careful with my energy. Today I have taken back the heart monitor to the hospital. Barely used it - because when I was getting rarer heart blips, tbh, I was too ill to sort out using it, and by the time I felt up to it, they had basically stopped. Catch 22. Drove myself to the hospital today, first time in the car for weeks - battery was flat, of course - dropped it off, on the way back I could feel my legs getting weak. And by the time I got home I was done. Sit down. Rest. Take a nap. Eat something. Not necessarily in that order. Sunken eyes again this morning. It slightly worries me that some underlying cause still lurks that they have missed or passed over or haven't found yet. Who knows. Maybe they will shift in time. Fee...

 Feel not too bad this morning. Not well. Faint tingling in the left hand side of my face and the ghost of tingles up my back. Just a touch of weakness in my legs and a slight shake. But. I think this is probably my best morning so far. It's tricky to tell as it's subtle in its improvement. But again, not wanting to jinx it, I think I am on my way up and out into recovery. Whatever that looks like. I did a bit of cleaning yesterday. First time in.... 4 months. Hazel noted I was supposed to be resting, I had been told not to push at it. Yeah. 10 minutes later standing in the kitchen she says. You're flagging aren't you. Yes. I'm flagging. I had been standing there feeling it creep up over me and a real need to go sit down. That's because you did too much she says. But I felt kinda ok I said. But yeah. My energy is an issue. And when that fatigue hits my symptoms crank up a notch. Ignore it and I start to feel really ill. I'm still unable to make it through a ...

 Felt rough last evening. Tried to go to bed a few times early in the evening, but couldn't sleep. A vague unwellness and fizzing internals again. I felt tired and everytime I got up my head span. Popped some paracetamol to "take the edge off". It helped a tiny bit. But not enough to get me to sleep. With resignation I decided to play a game instead. Not ill enough to be completely hopeless. Not well enough to get rest. Middle path it is then. I had fun playing games which distracted me pretty well from my internals. Although at a few points I could feel my back crawling with ants and it pulled me out of the game experience. But. Eh. I have had worse. Finally went to bed. Difficult. I decided to take my final mild sleeping pill. They don't seem to have much effect at the start, but make me sleep quieter. First time in ages I slept through 8 hours. I haven't done that... since way before December. And I feel a good deal better. Not well. Insides are still jumping a...

 Final report from Harley Street, the doc went through it with me on the phone before sending it on via email. Heart CT scan came back ok. Very unlikely to have cardio vascular problems from calcification <10%. Doc thought that was good. However they found a few calcified granulomas in my lungs whilst they were there. Either an infection or some foreign material that has been trapped in my lungs and has been encased as the body can't deal with it. Signs of Osteoarthritis in the hips and lower back - expect pains in the groin and lower back. Eat more fish oil. Also a shot across my bows about picking up any heavy shit. Stop it. As for the spots in the brain. Yeah. Not great. The doc mentioned that out of 16 patients last week, 4 had the same thing, however in my case it was probable it was migraines. But. A big but. An MRI should be repeated next year to check on the stability of my grey lump to see whether things were getting worse. In the meantime, any changes in mood or numbne...