Bork Slowly Borking

A period of a few days of relative calm. I got ill again last evening. Sick. Off. No discernible pattern. I ate exactly what I ate the day before. Who knows. I am eating wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy less. I would guess I am struggling to hit above 1,000 calories again. But I am not counting it. Or particularly worried. I eat when I feel hungry / not sick. I am drinking lots more water. I am pretty sure I lapse into periods where I just forget to drink. One of my special talents. Like much else. I can just switch it off. A pretty stupid talent. Anywho. I am more than grateful for a few days of relative peace at least. The bout of sickness perhaps heralds an end to that, but eh, I am being very careful today. I can feel my system is again very fragile. Doesn't want to eat. Silver lining, almost a perfect weight loss inducement. Get ill ! Feel like shit ! Nausea ! No appetite means no weight gain ! Heh. The weather of late has been blessedly mixed and mild. No stupid heat. Some nice sunny period...

 The last few days have been bad. Tired, ill, depressed as fuck. All working in a feedback loop with each other. There are moments where I pop out above the surface, like a bottle thrown into the sea that suddenly breaks above the waves. A gasp of air and sunlight and then beneath the tumult again. Strange. The relief of that brief gasp of air is tangible. The descent back horrific. Sometimes it maintains for an evening. Or half a day. A reprieve. Everything has turned into a bit of a blur of suffering. And yesterday I started to hardcore lose my grip on reality. Again. A dangerous place to be. Every thought, every.. thing.. becomes strange.. surreal.. dark.. awful. It's hard to describe. There are no normal thoughts. Everything is distorted. Even the most mundane of things. Taking a breath. Sunlight through a curtain. It's all twisted. And awful. Like a head full of whispers. But. It's you. You cannot feel *any* of the touchstones of reality. Not of where you are, a bedroo...

 It would seem that I have slumped into a proper deep depression. Whilst on my meds. That's a first. Admittedly it's not the usual descent into hell, the roll of the dice about how nuts you go first, from somewhat to .. total... Been there, done that. Repeatedly. Not good. This time that has been.. mostly.. absent. Which is not to say I've been perfectly sane of late. Some days more than others have been a struggle. Super amounts of disassociation. But. Not literally beating my head against a wall or wandering around outside in a daze ( yikes, did that last year. Big yikes.) This time I've just slumped into a debilitating ... depression. I kinda clocked it today. Oh. Wait. I know what this shit is. That perpetual state of low level anxiety combined with misery. A state so intense you have that physical manifestation, the stone in the gut, the weight on your shoulders, that awful feeling of something traumatic you've just been through ( even though there isn't an...

Up and down. Ill, not ill in a 24 hour period. Hyper. Crash. In the same period. And lapsing a lot into silence. Kinda done with it all. I am struggling to get even basic things done, sometimes I have a fit of activity, then, nothing. My meds prescription has languished at the pharmacy for over a week. Just. Can't summon the motivation to get them. My heating is still on the fritz. Cannot summon the gumption to get some goober in to look at it. My motivation for stuff has dropped. I am noodling here and there with art. But. It's fairly methodical. I am not enjoying it. Just. Doing the thing. At the continual gentle "nagging" from a friend, I put in a request to rehome a dog. A boxer. I very much doubt I will hear anything, and, I am still far from convinced it's right for me, but, if he's stuck with no other home, I can give him a place. I am aware that I am better with a dog in my life. It forces me to be at least for moments, a happier, sillier version of me...

 A few days of not feeling too bad. Far from perfect. But eh, I'll take it. The trip down to the office on Wednesday went ok. Journey was a horror, traffic all over the show, an hour and 50 trip was turned into 2 and a half hours. Coming back home in the late afternoon I was knackered. I think that's the longest time spent in a car in a single day I've had since becoming ill. And it was super tiring. Whilst down there Andy did a bunch of soft peddling reverse asking. How were the two days working out. How was I doing for money. Are you ok. He wouldn't mind if I wanted to throw a few more days in for money. Yeah, fine. Because. He would like it if I did three days. Uh huh. Maybe three days every couple of weeks. Uh huh. So we actually get to it. I thought about it more than I should have. About 20 seconds. It seemed so reasonable. Clearly he was struggling. Not interested I said. In hindsight it has underscored once again, this aint my path. It's good money for Andy,...

 Yesterday amazingly, I had a good day. The GP bullshit did not affect me, and, gasp, I didn't feel ill all day. Amazing. Correspondingly, I felt good. Reached out and chatted to a few people I hadn't messaged in an age. Today. Eh. Less good. Off. Slightly ill. A bit more bleh. But. Eh. Ok. Enough. For some reason I can't remember, I found myself dwelling on Ares again today. Really bad. My brain, blurs some of the details, refuses to give up crisp details of other things. And. Delightfully. Likes to invent new things to torment myself with. I think it was the chocolate thing. I saw a picture from a vet surgery quite a while ago, where they had "Hershey Kisses", american (disgusting) chocolate drops. With the caption that all good boys should know what chocolate tastes like before they go. Basically. They'd feed a dog a chocolate treat before putting them down. ( You dont feed dogs chocolate normally, or at least, you shouldn't do, it's something they ...

 Doctors this morning, not my usual one. And a textbook example of absolutely not giving a shit and just getting you off the list. You've had all the tests done she says. Ignores the fact I am telling her I am ill every 24 hours. You might find changing a diet to a simpler one helps. Literally after me telling her I've done a bunch of elimination diets and all sorts of tests. Stay away from fat she says ! As I just said. I've done low fat, high fat. The fat seems to make no odds. It could be the divertculitis she says. Yeah. But no. I saw where that was - lower intestine - they showed me that at Harley street. Not where I get the pain. The only thing she did was change the 30mg of stomach meds to 2 x 15mg of meds. So I could alter the dose as I felt like. That's it.  Ignored the fact I was struggling to do two days work a week. Losing chunks of every day. Yada blah blah. Excellent. Basically. She didn't listen to anything I said. Saw I had a bunch of tests. Saw I ha...