Bork Slowly Borking

 The docs were a clusterfuck. A week after asking for an appointment they got back to me and said the waiting list would be between 4 and 6 weeks.  Ok. Hazel was not having it, so she phoned them up, and hey presto an appointment for that day appeared. On seeing the doc she told me flat out that gout does not move. Really. Because this isn't my first or even second rodeo with gout and that was tested, and it was gout, and let me assure you that gout abso-fucking-lutely does move. I then went on to explain exactly what the symptoms were - classic gout - and the doc then begrudgingly admitted, yeah, that sounds like gout. Fuck. Off. As it turns out however, whilst the gout at the front of the foot is now majorly receding, the pain in the back of my foot has increased, and the doc reckons its tendonitis. Caused. By not treating the gout quickly enough. Instead of testing blood to check for gouty levels ( which they should do as gout can stay at critical levels and requires a lo...

 Ares came to see me last night.  It's been a while. I thought I had seen the last of him. His visits fewer and further between. But he visited me last night. And gave me one of his big hugs. I was very glad to see him. People in my dream questioned how it could be him. It couldn't be. It's him. Don't question it. Don't sit and negatively explain why it isnt, and can't and everything else whilst he sits on my lap and gives me a hug. Don't question it. Just be happy. I was maximum protective. He does this I said. He now comes and goes. Not here very often. But sometimes comes back to visit. Happy. And healthy. Same old Ares. But also. Not. More conscious somehow. And in a pinch. Able to talk, in a simple way. At one point I asked if he knew where he was, when he was. He said he didn't, but he could, but he would rather not. It was simpler than that. I can't remember the exact words. After a while, I woke up. Happy I had seen him. Followed by loss and ...

 The foot remains buggered. Up til now I've just got on and dealt with it. But as of today. It's beginning to really erode my mental health ( as if I need another one of those weights ). I am sick of hobbling around and being able to do fuck all. Not as if I do a whole lot anyway, but as it turns out, when you are forced to sit on your ass, you realise how much you were doing. It's just extreme "fed up-ness" with it at the moment. But it is twitching into one of those depressive things too. On steeling myself to get up, go pee, face the pain, do nothing, I reflected once again what the fuck I was doing. I am not enjoying life. It's just more fucking weight and headwinds, struggle on, to do what ? Do the same the next day ? To what end ? ? Seriously ? Fuck the foot. Just. Really. Fucking put a bullet in my head. So. My fucky foot has now become A Problem. Just one of many Problems in the Problem Bag. The docs, bless their hearts, have not got back to me. At all...

 Begrudgingly I am back to work today. Of course, I could do without it. But. Meh. My notion of doing a good job has bugged me to pick up the stress ball again. As it turns out in the 3 weeks I have been off, not much has happened. And a few things have fallen apart. Everything in stasis awaiting my return. It's disappointing that the entire team seems incapable of solving shit unless I am there. I thought we were getting beyond that. Apparently not. And as I've dug a little bit around, the mistakes and missteps accumulate. It is like a never ending avalanche of mediocrity at best, and absolute horseshit at worst. Perhaps it's me. Grumpy. Too old for this shit. Expectations too high. But I know it's not. The quality of code I am used to has deteriorated in the last 20 years. Slowly getting worse. Slowly forgetting why we do this, or that. Or just general optimisations. It seems a bulk of younger devs just "don't get it". Too tied up in the whizzbangs of th...

 Making dinner the other day turned out to be a mistake. Limping around using my foot in a funny way whilst cooking has ended up damaging the rest of my foot in an excruciatingly painful way. And the gout has got worse again. The net result of which is, I can't use my foot at all anymore. At all, at all. Screamingly bad pain if I put weight on it. I have had to resort to crawling around the house and up and down stairs and limiting my movement as much as possible. As an aging old fart, crawling around on all fours is also not a great experience - everything hurts - but, it's better than the screaming pain of the foot. Everything else - trying to compensate - is now also lining up behind the damaged foot to also be a contender for "oh you've gone and broken this now". Marvellous. When I'm in bed, foot up it's mostly ok. But after a few hours it starts to throb and every tiny movement is painful. It gets too bloated I think. Monday was supposed to be an an...

 The days go past, Athena is in a routine, no major changes, still lame, still buggered, but we're making it work. At the rate of painkillers she is on, they, if nothing else, will eventually do her in. It is what it is. Comfortable as she can be in the twilight of her days. Today she took herself off for a very gentle stroll and sniff along my street. Made it to the top of the road just about before coming home. Either me or Hazel just tend to let her wander out the front, no lead, no collar, just letting her slowly sniff around. She's not running anywhere. Or even walking very fast. Slow and gentle old girl having a sniff about. She seems to appreciate it. Still getting bored though. The mind is still working. The body has failed. We are ok. A new normal. Twilight. Melancholy. But still appreciating every day we get. Bitter sweet. I have been in a lot of pain this week. Finally the gout is starting to ease up as of this evening. It has been bad. And so have all my other pains...

 Athena is still here. Stay of execution. In the week run up to the crunch date of Monday I flip flopped between, we are going to fight this, she is fighting, to, she is done, I have to let her go. Her condition would vary day to day, hour to hour, sometimes better, sometimes worse. There is nothing like a little hope to truly slam home hopelessness on that flip of the coin. Because it doesn't let you progress with closure. Always stuck on that edge of indecision. In my more calmer moments, I fully accept that Athena has to go at some point. For all that I rail against it, I can't do shit about it. And. I get it. And I am "ok" with that. But this is only in my more calm moments. In my less peak calm moments. I don't accept it at all. Fuck you. Fuck life. Fuck science for not having solved this. Fuck evolution to setup this cruel bullshit. Fuck people who say it's natural. Poor eyesight is natural. We do something about that. Heart disease is natural. We do som...