Bork Slowly Borking

 Have managed to be useful at work again this week. Doing my hours. Getting stuff done. At least in the small amount of hours I do work now, I have managed to fulfill that bit of my life. Everything else. Not so much. Again. It does occur. That I have a small amount of energy budget in a good week. And if I spend it in better work uptime. Then. Everything else suffers. And vice versa. And if its not a week where I have an energy budget.... Today I am tired. Name a day where I am not tired. Today I am tired of being tired. Sick of being sick. As I stood in the kitchen making a cup of tea and I could feel my body fighting me to keep standing. I was just tired. Tired of always fighting against exhaustion. Tired of never having energy to do shit. Tired of always being in this space where everything is a struggle. If there was a way I could do something. Get energy back. I would do it. If there was a thing that said, 50% of the time this will kill you, 50% of the time you will be cured....

 Today started better. Sleep schedule better. Played a game. Felt a bit better. Then I prepared to go out for therapy. And I felt ill. In the shower I felt myself slide. Nausea up. Illness up. Bleh. Suddenly. Going out felt very hard. 15 minutes before hand I was planning on getting lunch as I didn't feel too bad. By the time I exited the door, I was back down into minimal bunker mode. Go out. Get it done. Come home. No room for pushing it. Felt ill the same as yesterday. A bit better. But the same flu like condition. The temperature didn't help. October. And the weather is warm and muggy. It feels like a decent summer day from the before times. Before summers became screamingly hot. So therapy. Uh huh. After asking how I was and me going through how I was not doing well, and a brief recap of the week, I prompted the therapist to tell me on their reflection. Because they weren't offering. I got a very defensive apology. Barely that. Lots of political language. At one point ...

 Something. That sticks in my head in my older years. Is the miserable idea that no matter how bad you think things are now. They can always get worse. Which. Is somewhat of a defence against when things inevitably get worse. As opposed to thinking this is the worst. But. The price paid for that. Is a rather gloomy outlook if dwelled upon. And. A dubious help. Because if things are already bad enough that it's rather.... spicy... Then preparing for even worse. Just makes it more spicy inevitable. Or perhaps another way of putting that. Is if something is above a threshold already. Increasing it. Makes no great difference to the threshold being crossed. If. You're looking at thresholds. Which is an obfuscated way of talking about whether life is worth it. And stabbing someone that's already on fire in the end, doesn't actually matter in a very real lived way. The system caps out at some point experientially. Even though on paper. Worse. And death. Is always death. Assumi...

 CFS has been ... problematic. I've had worse. Kinda. There is a thing I learned with depression over the years. And that was it never manifested in quite the same way twice. Oh the large bits of it were the same, and you can see the pattern and what it looks like. But. The details were always different. The cathedral is still a cathedral. But the door has moved. CFS, or at least, my experience of CFS is a bit like that. Of course the background symptoms shift around in their frustratingly shit way that they do. One day its all the pains. The next day its absolute exhaustion. Then nausea. Then dizziness. Bits of you going dead. Gastro issues. And on. And on. Take those ingredients. Give them a shake. Pick from 1 to N of them. And there you have it. It also shifts over a longer time period. Things get worse. Slowly shift into new forms. Some things may ease off. It's one of the awful things about it. Because it makes coming to grips with living it difficult - its always shifting...

 Killer migraine. It has been a long while since I've had a killer migraine. Six months ago, give or take, I had a bad migraine that lasted for a few days. A very odd shaped migraine for me. Which contributed me to losing the plot at that point. Coinciding with the heating going kaput. But that was not.. quite... a killer migraine. Or at least. Not the typical shape. Today was a killer migraine. Or at least. Was shaping up to be one. Took me to the awful edge. And then. Fortunately - or perhaps with good management - it ebbed away. Killer migraines for me are ones that go hard into blinding pain followed by nausea and vomiting and repeating over and over. All the while the *rest* of your system goes haywire. Incredible sweats. Sudden bursts of heat. Very cold. You can get this uncontrollable shivering whilst simultaneously covered by copious amounts of sweat. It makes no sense. And also the shits. And a touch of - which at that point is hilariously minor - visual disturbance. They ...

 Relationships. My ever hair trigger sensitivity to people "not having a good time" around me. From what I said yesterday. There is another clear fallout. We already have kind of figured out that my hypervigilance is caused by having to anticipate my environment. To gauge the adults to see which way the wind was currently blowing. Watching carefully for the faintest ripple of emotional disturbance before it was acted on. Seeing the snarl form before it quite arrived. Like it or not. I was trained in an environment where not doing that was punished. And doing that at least gave you some chance. Over and over. In my formative years. So that by the time I was a mid teen. I was already adept at reading people, and, to some extent regulating them. Perhaps this is why I was the social butterfly accepted by all the different social groups. That capability to get there before they did, and adjust to their moods, wants, sensibilities. How very agreeable. But I realise now. This also f...

Health is shit. When isn't it. I've been on a low for quite some time now. Not going out. Not able to do much. It is what it is. Somedays the aches and pains are wicked. Others they dial down. I don't know. To be honest I am beyond tired even keeping track of it. I just float on the stormy seas. And go where it wills. Sometimes someone tells me I should go to the doc. Get this checked. That looked at. Eh. Meh. 5 years in has taught me a lot of things about the standard of healthcare and what it does and doesn't do. There is nothing there for me. Or at least. The healthcare *I have access to* does nothing for me. I have been meaning to go out for a month now to get some potting soil. One of my plants outgrew its pot. Its roots literally pushing it one inch above the pot. I have. Pulled it out. Used a bigger pot I had. But. It has languished. On the side. Waiting for me to have energy and the right sleep schedule and everything else to pop out, get some soil, and properly...