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May 5

 Taken it very easy today. Lots of sleep. Not that it ever really helps. But. Uh huh. Woke up a few times clawing for breath. Ah. Yes. The apnea. Shit. I need to do something about that. I dreamed. Of people and situations from a long time ago. Regrets basically. The girl I crushed on and never did anything with - not that she was interested in me. But we got on extremely well. One of my friends from childhood was there. He crops up now and again as a steadying hand on the tiller. An unusually straight arrow kind of a person. I realised that I was just holding in secrets. I should admit to having a crush. I told him. But. Within a sentence I realised that it had been 30 years. 30. Years. There is my answer I told myself. Too long. Too much time. I lapsed into quiet silence, sad. The object of my crush on the other side of the room, the decades that have passed having no effect in the dream world, her person still being that of a young 20 something. But also blended with someone else I
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May 4

Slept better last night - only a single "panic" passing out moment, the rest was ok. Or at least if it happened I wasn't aware of it. I did have pretty bad levels of circulation loss though, at one point both my arms elbow and below were static. If I inadvertently make the mistake of having my arms bent - let alone hugged up tight, I lose circulation in the hand. I have to consciously sleep with them straight when things are bad. I think it's just a general sign of how weak my blood flow is when asleep. Even a mildly bent elbow is enough to cause a problem. I need to go swimming and work on my cardio to try and strengthen up my circulation et al. Foot pain was diabolical last night. I spent most of the day playing a game which was fine, the foot pain slowly ramped up over that time, but was ok. Came off of gaming, and the pain went through the roof and stayed there. Paracetamol, Codeine and Ibuprofen altogether managed to get it under control after a pretty nasty peri
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May 3

So I dragged myself out yesterday. More than onec I thought about cancelling as my foot was a disaster and just getting up and down the stairs was a challenge. Neverthless I perservered. Because I reasoned it would do me good to see some friends. And I would - if I could get past my own bullshit - enjoy myself, and it had been an age since I saw them. A simple shower in prep took me 45 minutes.I squealed repeatedly. Loaded up with painkillers and went out. And had a lovely time. Two great people, a lovely dinner and a game. It was good for my soul. Not good for my foot. But good for my soul. I had some painkillers half way through the evening and felt alright. It was lovely to see my friends, they are kind souls, and the kind of people it's just all positive to chill out with. Got home, struggled to feed Athena, get her sorted and then absolutely collapsed. The night was as bad as last night. In some ways very scary. On the other hand, I have kind of lost interest in living or dyin
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May 2

 Alive. Which to be honest I am slightly surprised about. Foot hurts like an ass and has come up in a big red swollen lump near my heel. Same as before, but worse. Can't put any weight on it, again. So life has become difficult, just managing a cup of tea is an almost impossible task. Ho hum. This evening I was due to go out for a game and dinner at a friend. Not sure I can do it. Perhaps a slow crutch hobble may be ok. Although taking a shower is going to be hard. Meh. My life.
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early

 5am. Pain pulls me out of sleep. And with it my heart aches. A sucking ache in my chest as I wake up. That thing I've been getting for the last 9 months. Dizzy in bed. My leg twitches. Everything hurts, despite all the painkillers. So tired. Slip into a doze and pulled out again, another squeeze of my heart, unfff, and a jolt. It feels like I'm getting close. Too much strain. Leg crazy twitches again, foot contracts, spike of pain. Hmm. Sticking this here. Not good. is what it is
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May 1

 Today has been an awful day. But let's back up a bit. Over the weekend I repaired bridges with Hazel. She seemed ok all in all, perhaps not taken anything too much to heart. Feeling a bit better myself I made sure she was ok, and then, on a following day, I took her out for pizza. So. Pretty good. I am glad she has not gripped tightly onto it, and perhaps in the end just seen it as a boundary check that it was and not the end of the world. Athena is doing well. We went for a short walk round the block the other day and she did just fine. Not fast. No running. But she didn't pull up, didn't limp. And had energy afterwards. A great sign. As for myself. I had a few days of feeling a bit better, my feet grumbled far less, I tidied the kitchen, made dinner a few nights in a row. Sure sign I am feeling a bit better. And then, within 36 hours, I was not feeling better. I was worse. Way worse. My right foot has suddenly returned to a hellish state - swollen up and my heel "te
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Apr 28

 Went to see a friend yesterday for a cup of tea and a chat. Was difficult to get my shit sorted and get out, but I did it. Whilst there felt pretty much ok. Was nice. Had some lovely tea ( Green Rooibos, Peach & Cherry for the record, was yum ) . It came up during conversation that I was circling the drain - you've been saying that for sometime she said. Yeah. The issue is I can report how I feel, but what I can't predict is just how tenacious my bodies will to live is. Which is. Apparently. Fairly robust and bloody minded. I did say however, that I can do short periods of normality, almost like on adrenaline before I then crash and inevitably pay for it. You should see me when I wake up for instance. No sooner had I got home I ended up paying for my afternoon. A migraine thundered in, dragging nausea along behind it. I tried - very briefly - ignoring it, always the most stupid fucking idea before chomping some aspirin ( a gout trigger, oh boy ) and heading for bed. I man
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