Bork Slowly Borking

 A better week. But not easy. I've struggled to maintain my relative better state this week - waves of tiredness and exhaustion and plenty of naps and early sleeps. I think sleep has a lot to to do with my condition (duh), and if I don't get enough, it hits pretty hard. Enough being North of 10 hours, typically in at least two sessions. More difficulty concentrating this week. Somewhat stressy, tiring and uber frustrating workwise, somewhat more difficult to get to the edge of razor concentration to push through involved computer stuff. Noticeable. Hazel came round for the latter bit of the week, look after the dogs whilst I got my second vaccine shot ( in far off Suffolk for me ), and also just to give her a bit of a break and let me look after her a bit. Mutual help dealio. She's been in good spirits all week, which is good to see, last week was pretty bad for her. I think it's also pretty clear my mental state is a whole lot better with her around. My second vaccine ...

 Did sweet fuck all yesterday. Slept. A lot. In the afternoon. Felt unwell. Ate.... more than 1,000 calories in a day for a change. I have a slight tingle of suspicion about calories and how it might be affecting me. Hmmm. I also suspect sleep is super critical for me. Deviations or even a lack of an hour at a critical point can have a super bad effect. I think. Feel better today. Went for a walk with Sam which was good. Gets me out. Different mindspace. I am very very *very* slow to comprehend the impact other people can have on my mood. I know it should be a no brainer. But feels more like voodoo than science. Can't grasp what I can't see. Which is ridiculous because I do abstract puzzles and spend a lot of time in abstract mind games and philosophies. But eh. I don't know. Tinnitus has dropped a notch. Still there. Still screeching. But better. Dizziness has stepped down too. Hmm. Not sure what to make of it. Still learning to deal with this I think. Up, down, crash, cra...

 Short and sweet. Health has taken a turn for the worse. Dizziness has stepped up a notch, notably bad when I get up from a chair, a real dimming of the lights followed by a "warmth" spreading through my head. Effects have lingered, yesterday for half the day I was generally just mildly dizzy. My balance is off, sometimes I stumble a little around the house. Sleep.. is better.. but doesn't make it go away. Tinnitus has been screeching. Weak legs have made a return after an absence of some months. Random pains. Tired. Ho hum. I am taking pains to not do any kind of work. Just. Rest. Tricky. My mind bounces between numb / miserable, to fatalistic, just, put me out of my misery, to slowly unwinding crazy style. Dark days. I've had worse.

 A struggle the last week. Each day worse than the last. Mostly mental. But mentals also triggered by the rising and falling of physical stuff. Barely functional towards the latter end of the week. Feeding myself and looking after the dogs is my peak performance. Everything else is a horror. It has to be said Ares is a constant worry to me at the moment. He's ok. Pottering around - well, sleeping and checking if there is food to be had. Not in pain. But. It's hard to watch him slowly oh so slowly get worse. I am aware this is doing me zero favours mentally. Not that I begrudge it or would change it. Absolutely not. Life grinds on, one day at a time. State of mind was sketchy by the end of last week. Scratching at the back of my eyeballs. I can feel it now - your mind isn't quite.... right. Your thought patterns are... weird. Disassociation. Every random thought feels.. dark.. and feeds back into feelings of alien-ness, misery, isolation. It fuels anxiety. It fuels a need to...

 Feeling better last few days. I know. Shocking. Had a fairly busy day yesterday, did some work in the morning, an extended, albeit slow, pupper walk, and finally some ferrying around the city of Hazel. And I felt good. Not wiped out. Not ill. Good. Whoa. Today I got up, tired. By midday I had to go back to bed. Ughhh. Very tired. It then crossed my mind that I had been busy yesterday. And the whole, do stuff, then wipe out the following day clicked in my head. Oh. Yeah. That. Still. All things considered. Good. I'm still getting the weirdest of pain pings in random places, but they seem to be getting less frequent, less serious. The tingles et al... are disappearing for extended periods before popping up again for a day. And the fatigue definitely seems on the retreat. There are a number of... weird things also happening, really super raised blood vessels... and stuff. It's.. odd. I don't know. The uncharted waters of Stuff continues to roll on but seems to be getting way ...

 Away this weekend for a visit to the family. Was good. Felt better. Picked me up. Got stuffed with food. It's more complicated than that. But. Uh huh. That's the headline. Various options for moving house are forming. Not entirely sure which one comes out of the wash. Spoke to the CFS/ME specialist today. Very interesting. She went into a lot of the background and causes of CFS, prognosis and her past experiences over the years. Was super informative. She reckoned I had textbook CFS, no doubt, slam dunk, duh, she also said I almost certainly had Functional Neurological Disorder with it, which she said she sees a lot of overlap with ( based on what the neuros had been saying ), and lastly, she said she probably thought I picked up Covid, and that what I went through sounded an awful lot like long covid - but - crucial but here - they couldn't prove it. They couldn't prove what virus kicked things off because she said they didn't test for them and even a couple of mo...