Bork Slowly Borking

 Hmm. Good news or bad news first. Let's do the bad. So, exhaustion et al dogging me still. Of course. Today it took on a new face. After sleeping some 12 hours, I got up, pootled around a bit but rested. As dusk came down I felt warmed up and mostly human, so, took Athena out for a walk. And it was lovely. I felt pretty good. We had a nice walk. But after 40 minutes or so, I started to get really tired. Very quickly. We went home. And in the 10 minutes to took to drive home I was crashing. Once again I felt very "flu like". A little too warm. Not sweating. Not ugh. But just. Incubation warm. And I felt off. Flu like. And very very tired. Exhausted. Shaky. Foggy. I didn't want to eat. I didn't want to move. Despite having only been up for maybe 4 hours. Today my exhaustion was the worst it has ever been. And. It made me feel properly ill - even when I was trying to rest. I don't know where to go from here. There is no more down. But perhaps it's just a bli...

 Not a great weekend as it turned out. The exhaustion and sleep monster has crept up on me again, and, the killer blow, I got a migraine on Sunday that wiped me out for nearly 24 hours. The migraine was kind of my fault. In that I didn't take care of it. It started slow, very slow and I was being social so I ignored it. I would just, ride through it. It's a headache. It will go. Despite it being in my classic migraine spot and me absolutely knowing better. I would pay for it later I imagined, it would be ok. Don't ditch your social gaming. People will be disappointed. So I did that. Until it got bad. And I realised I had to stop. Right then. Right now. And by that time it was farrrr too late to take care of. I took aspirin and went to bed immediately. Too late. It sunk its teeth into my right frontal lobe hardcore. I felt the sweat suddenly prickle all over my body, the involuntary pain sweats. Oh boy. Empty your head. Slow your breathing. Try to catch sleep. Force your bod...

 Another half back step today. Still doing better than I was. Possibly my fault as I neglected most of my meds last night. Too tired. Just slept. And then got up halfway to at least take an anti histamine. Today despite the exhaustion dogging my heels I have finished off setting up the mini server and getting at least email running on it. I am back online with emails. They've been out since June. To be honest I hate emails nowadays. They have become a swamp of spam and advertising and the actual bona fide messages I get through are so rare as to be statistically a non event. A bit like landline phones. From useful. To non useful. To a burden of fake callers. Email has gone the same way. I can't be arsed with it anymore. Oddly enough, in the 3 months my email has been down, *nothing of any import was sent to it*. A few hundred adverts. Jolly good. And yes, my mini server finally arrived. A wonder of modern tech, it sits in the palm of my hand, makes no noise, and is approximatel...

 Another working "week" done. Two days a week is absolutely my limit at the moment. And even that is a struggle. I am needing a lot of down time, stress free, comatose living. It is what it is. I guess I should be very thankful that I lead a sustainable life, even only working 2 days a week. A lot of people have it far far worse. I could do without the shit health that forces that on me though. Eh well. Slowly, oh so slowly, I think I am getting a little strength back. It is hideously pathetically slow. Weeks fly by. And I inch towards feeling better. Today I had an inch backwards, but, nothing dramatically worse. I am still sticking to my meds regime. Went for a walk in a new place today. A new spot just outside of Norwich proper. Same river. Different locale. Fields. Rivers. Ponds. Reeds. Horses. Athena hasn't seen too many horses in her life. I think perhaps two in all her years. Today there were more than half a dozen. All in the same field as us. And she was wary. On...

 Apart from sleeping most of the weekend. It hasn't been a terrible weekend. Managed to make myself a chili - admittedly with the help of the ever so easy ninja - make some dinner, and do a small hardware chore - switching out a.. switch... to a bigger... switch. As lame low effort as it sounds, any day(s) where I can make myself something to eat and do a few chores is an absolute win for me. There are days when I can't do that. It has to be said the old kitchen gadget of the ninja has definitely transformed my eating arrangements, and made me capable of once again cooking some stuff for myself without burning out hardcore CFS style. The fact I can put something in and it will cook without burning or spilling and will just sit and wait for me, all in a single pot is pretty damn good. The chili was good. Very good. Up to my usual standards despite being in a low effort single pot. Then again chili is not exactly hard to make. But having it in the ninja, and then letting it slow ...

 The week has passed by in a slurry of sleep. Supposed to have been working on the stuck can't go anywhere problem this week, only to turn up and have this that and the other to do. Oh no. A client is down. Can you check if it's actually down and why. It's down because the thing I told you last week to do - fix the memory, because otherwise the issue would happen again and cause everything to stop - you haven't done. Oh. Says Andy. Yeah. I saw the reminder I made myself at the weekend but didn't do it. So then I waste time repeating myself, fixing a problem that was already diagnosed, and generally fucking the day up chasing laziness on your part. In the end I fixed the problem myself rather than wait for it to fail again. Fix registered. If you want it changed, you can go do the fix yourself. Small potatoes really. But indicative. And for me. Struggling with just getting work done. A reason to bother. Et al. It's not good. This is work on its "best behavio...

 Slept an ungodly amount. Close to 15 hours. I went to bed earlier to pull my hours back and loaded up on meds. Anti histamines. Vitamins. Asthma. Mentals.  At some point in the early hours something woke me up, a loud bump or some such, and I dragged myself out of hideous sleep. Eyes welded shut. Groggy as hell. And. As ever. Precipitated by a an ache of heart pain as I kickstarted. I went back to sleep aware that this was not a good state. And slept. And felt like I could get up at some point in the morning. But slept instead. And the afternoon rolled around. And I feel a bit better. No false starts. I woke up slowly. And took an hour to get out of bed. Walking through the kitchen I can feel my mind scratching away at reality. How weird it feels just to be awake. Also waiting for some element of suffering to start. When will the exhaustion kick in. Bordering on disassociation. It's a sign of just how sketchy my mental state is under the weird existence I have. But so far I a...

 I tried hard today to force some kind of reasonable pattern on my day. I tried super hard to fight through the exhaustion and shit. Just. Sheer willpower. I will not feel tired. I will not feel ill. It didn't work. And after a brief period of wakefulness around midday. I slumped back into sleep. A few times I woke with a start gasping for breath. Odd chest pains dogging me in and out of sleep. Continual odd headaches ghosting around the front of my head. And arms going dead all the time. It was bad. I'm not sure if it's a bad heart finally kicking my ass, or anxiety ramped up to maximum or both. Hard to say. Although. I'm pretty damn sure if it is anxiety, it's not anxiety alone. The way I tire out. Sometimes eating shuts me down hard. And blah. Meh. Whatever it is, it's miserable. Black eyes greet me whenever I get up. Dizzies. And I feel like shit. Jeez. If this is circling the drain, there's a lot of goddamn hovering around the edge. Lots of time spent i...

 Diabolical day today. We've had a little heat today, nothing too dramatic, but the humidity has been very high with it. It appears my health stuff really struggles with the heat. I tried just dying today. I really did. I felt so awful. So tired. I dozed. And everytime I stirred my heart would twinge. An ache. Then gone. It's been doing that for a while. Everytime I kickstart from sleep to awake. An ache settled in all over my torso. And in my dozing state, every single limb so heavy. I just waited. Just. Die. Already. Don't fight it. And obviously it never came. Just hovering in some quasi awful place instead. But I tried. Slow your breathing. Drift away. In some ways it reminds me of a few years ago when I was horribly ill and used to lie there absolutely suffering, going out of my mind. And yet. Still clinging on. Despite my rational desire to do the opposite. The animal in me is not keen to let go it would seem. Ho hum. Today, finally, the work day arrived that I had be...

 I'm slowly adjusting to my new normal inside of my new normal. Which is basically a way of saying, I am living with the shit within the shit. My days are typically a wipe out. Tired. Exhausted. Ill. Mostly I start feeling better as the evening creeps on. So. Around 7pm. I start to feel a little better. By 10pm I am usually feeling my best. Some days it's not that great. But most days it's ok. And I do mean ok. Not just the usual ok = I am dying on my arse but it's fine. It doesn't mean I have tremendous energy or anything. But it does mean I have a little spring in my step around the house and my decisions about eating et al are normal. I can pop around the kitchen without falling over. Which is the real stupid amazingly different experience. In the day time standing in the kitchen waiting for a cup of tea is agony. My body is screaming at me to sit down, lie down. I feel wobbly and awful. In the evening, I don't even think about it, it's not a problem. Li...

 Fatigue still kicking my ass. Pattern is the same. Long sleep. Takes hours to begin to feel human. A few short hours at the end of a day where I feel somewhat better. Everything else is a struggle. And the word fatigue is a catchall. Yes. Fatigue. But also a swarm of other symptoms. From headaches and weird pressure headaches, to dizziness, tingles, screaming levels of pain around the torso, chest pains, blah yada sigh. I struggled to fix the toilet seat yesterday. Simple job. Undo two butterfly bolts. Reattach screws. Tighten butterfly bolts. I did it. But boy. I nearly couldn't. Ho hum. Fading out. Life lived in twilight that is getting darker. Eh meh. Rationally. This was always a high possibility. A decline. Perhaps it's just a phase. Ha ha. That takes months. Years. To resolve. Yeah. Probably not. Still trying to find the silver bullet that cures me. Not going to happen. Had a brief thought the other day. About the negativity that you can get from social media. It's n...